Wednesday, 20 January 2016

#6.

This blog isn't here to show you all that recovery is easy or quick because it isn't. Its to show you that no matter how hard it gets just know that you aren't alone. I'm still struggling with my anxiety and sometimes I struggle with my eating too but I'm telling YOU all of this because this is life. Life is full of daily struggles we all need to overcome and if I can help anyone just writing this then I'll be happy.
Happy to help someone that's felt this alone too. But anyway back too it..

Have you ever felt so alone when you're in a room full of people or at a party? To be fair, I've never been one of them people to enjoy parties an what not but the one I did go too was just ugh haha. That kinda helped me realise that I've shut the world out for so long that when I do get introduced to other people I shut off, I already make my mind up about people. I always told family members I'm a 'lone ranger' but the thing is I don't want to be alone but I can't think of anything better than chilling watching Netflix, with pizza and my guy. Literally that's my idea of a perfect night.

I don't think I've mentioned this in any of my posts but I have nightmares, pretty bad ones but I never really tell people about it because they get so vivid and scary that it actually seems so freaking real. After I got bullied and lost way too much weight I had to go to a counsellor type thing but there were a few times that they had group sessions and seeing other people in the exact same position it got me real scared. I think I was kinda oblivious to how I really looked to be honest, but I guess so were a few other people.. I always wore trackies so no one could see how bad I really was. I feel so vulnerable telling people how I feel and even writing this but trust me boo once you actually write down in like a journal or a blog or anything you feel SO much better!!!

No matter how bad you feel or think you look after all this bullshit is over and you realise or discover that YOU (aka the person reading this) have so much going for you, you're more than your anxiety, you're more than your depression, you're more than your mental health problems. Remember you can't get no sunshine without a little rain.
Ox

#5.

For me the worst experience of this wasn't when it all happened, it was afterwards. You get so used to feeling low and bad about yourself so when you start feeling better it's the weirdest feeling EVER. Period.
When I started going back to school after the long ass period of being off school in bed waiting for Jeremy Kyle to come on with a cuppa, it scared me. Literally I'd create these scenarios in my head of me getting bullied again and it'd scare me to the point where I didn't sleep at all in the night time but when everyone else was awake I'd eventually manage to sleep til the night time. But lets be honest staying up all night on Netflix isn't exactly healthy now is it? Oh god I wish it was but it isn't and when you're sleeping all day you aren't eating healthily either, you're eating whatever is easiest out of the cupboards because you're only going to go back to bed..

I'm not going to say I miss being ill because it's quite the opposite actually but I miss the person I was before any of this happened, I miss trusting everyone and anyone, I miss being so confident that anything people said about me wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but most of all I miss being so happy that I didn't need to fake a smile at all.

I'm not unhappy don't get me wrong, but one thing these illnesses made me was paranoid. I barely trust people and when I eventually do I push them away so much by arguments I create. I get jealous too easily, I'm insecure and I'm so freaking scared.
I don't want another person to leave me because I'm like this.
 I get it, its hard for the people being with you when you feel so bad like this but always remember it's harder being the person going through this. Coming from a personal level though I feel no matter how far you think you are from getting better, you're one step closer to it no matter what you think or believe about yourself.

I'm slowly overcoming this but I don't trust people and I'm paranoid as fuck. It's crazy to think that you could be in a relationship with someone for 8 months (so far) and still think that one day they're gonna up and leave just because you find it hard, harder than most people have it.. but just remember if you got this far, you're going to feel better and so what if people leave you, yeah it'll be sad at first but if they leave when you need them the most are they really the type of people you need in your life?

Ox