Sunday, 11 December 2016

recently..

Recently I've had to deal with alot more shit than I thought was possible, so ima cut it down for you guys..

It was my birthday a couple days ago, I literally had the best birthday EVER. I allowed myself to be happy, like truly happy and I'll be honest I haven't felt true pure happiness like that in a while so it felt real fucking good. I gamed for a while then went out with my family and for one whole night I felt so anxiety and it felt so fucking freeing.
Having your every being consumed by anxiety and depression on the daily is fucking exhausting but I didn't want that for my birthday so I somehow pushed it to the back of my mind.

Having to let go of people that are so far from wanting help is the hardest thing to do and I had to do that as well. I know I said I'd never give up on the people I love the most but.. what about me? I'm giving my absolute everything to a person that doesn't care, and I had to let go. You can't save people that don't want to be saved but I did tell absolutely everything I knew about what that person was doing to his dad. It honestly breaks my heart the way it all turned out because when you see so much potential in somebody and they just take themselves for granted, it sucks.
On the night I let go of him, I lost my bestfriend again and it hurts more and more everytime that happens.

And then there's just a little something I want to say directly the Li, I think you're truly the best thing in the world and I know I've pushed you away tonight but just please know it isn't something I wanted to do because I'm hurting beyond belief. You are the light in the dark for me and you don't realise how much I value and appreciate you. You've been there for me when I've cried so much I look like a lil baby seal and you've been there when I've been crazily happy. You're the bets thing in the world and some girl is going to be so fucking lucky to have you.

And now.. honestly I don't know. I was really happy today and my emotions have hit me like a tonne of bricks basically. I just wish I would allow myself to be happy for once.

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