Sunday, 18 December 2016

I have to get this off my chest..

Pain changes people more than you can ever realise, you can go through life this happy go lucky person and it can take one thing that happens in your life to change all of that.

I'll be honest, I have major trust issues and I barely trust anybody. That doesn't mean they're shitty people or anything because some people emphasis on the SOME are really awesome people but because shitty people have fucked me over, stampled all over my heart and act like their shit don't stink then that's the main reason for my trust issues.
This post was gonna be about changes and how people can change you but shit, it's ending up to be a rant so enjoy..

People can be really fucking shitty and I hate that. This relates to one of my last posts massively, you can't control how someone treats you, as much as you wish you could you honestly don't know 100% how someone feels about you and that's whats kinda scary about being in relationships to be quite honest, for me it is anyway.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think badly of relationships I just feel like truly what's the point in them if at the end of the day you're just going to get fucked over and be upset about it. I used to be constantly anxious that shit would fuck up and in the end it did, I learnt how to be completely secure and something I realised whilst learning that was that I wasn't secure in my last relationship.

I'd have such a bad feeling he was going to fuck up and when shit was too good to be true he did fuck up, and there's probably more he hasn't told me but I don't care anymore, like honestly what's the point in caring about shit you can't change? I'm not with him and with how everything's turned out I'm glad I'm not with him. It's kinda funny really, I've changed my outlook on everything, yet he's constantly getting fucked up because he'd rather be completely high on some of the worst drugs than face his actual feelings and that's quite sad.

Before my birthday he'd convinced me he would be there, and everything would change. The day before my birthday he said he'd be there too. On my birthday, I had no messages telling me he wasn't coming, I waited for hours for him to come and he didn't. I was literally sat on the floor gaming looking out the window like a little kid waiting for Santa. It was when he stood me up on my birthday that I realised I had to truly let go of him, he'd let me down again and quite frankly I couldn't keep crying over him. He'd act like shit was gonna be fine after he sorted himself out, he was off drugs for a week or two and then he got bored of trying to better himself. If it wasn't hard drugs I'd have to accept it but it was hard drugs and I knew he was way too good for that shit.

It's close to being Christmas now and I'm honestly happy. It took so fucking long for me to be in a place where I can genuinely say I'm proud of the way things are going right now, it hasn't been easy not having my bestfriend around but it was such a one sided relationship. I'd give my all and in return I wouldn't get much back well that's what happened up until now.

I'm not sure if he'll read this or his family will but if he or they do -

 Good luck with everything, and I hope you're happy. You letting me go was probably the best thing you did for me and although I miss you and your dog, it's time to stop talking about you now.

L x

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