Wednesday, 28 December 2016

my relationship with anxiety..

I haven't really been writing alot lately because I've had some stuff going on but I feel like this is a post I've wanted to write for so long and I've not entirely felt free from this but I feel like today is a good time to finally write about it..

My relationship with anxiety has been an extremely long one, there was a time when I'd cry at just the thought of leaving my house and then I pushed and pushed myself of course I had the help of my parents and my siblings but nobody could really force me to go out because I'd panic and I'd literally be so so scared of any place that wasn't my home.
After a while it got easier to go out and Id actually enjoy it, however if I'd go out all the time I'd be so overwhelmed because I'd need time to just be by myself..

In my last relationship we'd literally argue over going out because of course I could go to his house but actually going out to places with him was tough, he could never really understand why though and it's hard to explain something to somebody when they just don't get it. Some of the time I'd go on buses to see him and that's fine but then still people couldn't understand how I could still be anxious but really, if I had to go on two buses to see the man I loved I'd do it. I'd push my anxiety to the side and focus on seeing him in the end after it. You know, my anxiety was ridiculous when I was with him. I was so focused on him doing something bad that I could never truly enjoy the moment for what it was and I guess that's why I wanted to just stop all of this.
I didn't want to constantly be driven by this anxiety, I used to have nightmares every single night, I'd wake up crying and he couldn't understand why and neither could I to be quite honest.
I realised after it ended though that how could it have ever worked out for a long time if I didn't help myself?

I needed to help myself before I let anybody in and that's why anxiety is such a dickhead. You can be in a room full of people and still feel like the loneliest person. You feel like everybody's talking about you and you're constantly on guard, and honestly to live a life like that it's so fucking exhausting. Constantly being on edge and thinking everybody's out to get you turns you into a paranoid nervous wreck and eventually that's what I became.
I always wanted more for myself in terms of my anxiety but I thought ''Well, he's never going to leave me and he's always going to be there so I can just rely on him instead..''
Probably the worst thing I could have done, you should never ever rely on somebody unless it's your parents or family or whatever.

You get so sure that nobody's ever going to leave you and then when they actually do, you feel broken. Like you'll never be you.. you'll never be happy and you literally put yourself into such a state of panic that you scare yourself by overthinking all of this. You constantly hurt yourself by overthinking stuff you can't change and that's where I kept getting lost. I over thought about everything, I was so sure it'd never be over and essentially that relationship being over helped me.
It put me in my place and at first I just thought fuck it I'll start meeting other guys I'll be fine, and that wasn't the case at all because I felt shit when I'd come back home. I still spoke to my ex up until my birthday when he let me down again but I'm happy he did because I was so besotted with him but I knew he'd never change and him standing me up on my birthday proved that as well.

I wanted to start going out, to not be controlled by anxiety and I did start going out, well I have started going out. On one of the nights I was out I had a really bad panic attack and I had to put more effort into focusing on feeling better. Someone made me realise that I'm more than anxiety. It's a nerve wracking thought to be over anxiety because it's been with me for so long now and everytime I start to feel better, it lets me know it's still here and I don't want that constant reminder of it.

Anxiety can be numbing, making you not care about yourself and the people around you, it can make you extremely distant. I've made some shitty decisions and I take 100% responsibility for it, I was full of fear how people would react to certain things so I kept it quiet when I really shouldn't have. I've realised that good communication is needed for absolutely everything, every relationship you have whether it's a boyfriend/girlfriend or family and friends, you need to open up and talk about the things that make you happy because then you and them will have a better understanding of how you're all feeling. Recently I've lacked communication and understanding and honestly I wish I was more open with my mama. The fear of disappointing the people you love the most is what eventually makes you disappoint them more by hiding stuff.

If you all want more posts like this lemme know, I love writing about these kinda topics haha.

L x

Wednesday, 21 December 2016

this blog.

This is a personal post to all my readers out there.. so here goes..

Throughout writing this blog I've wrote about a complete mixture of things. Being in a relationship, getting absolutely heartbroken, conquering my fears etc. So once again I'm going to tell you all about a little something/someone.

The other night I had a panic attack whilst I was out, but because I'm so fucking lucky I had someone calm me down and although I was basically on the verge of crying they saved the day. I hadn't had someone that isn't family say and be genuine about wanting to help me conquer anxiety again.
I kept saying he didn't understand and that's because I was so fucking scared of him understanding, it wasn't because I think he's going to leave or anything but because I don't want pity. Literally that is the last thing I want, ever.

I haven't had many people enter my life and me feel secure and sure that they aren't a dickhead, I'm starting to feel alot less anxious and I think I was addicted to the feeling of anxiety because I was so scared of feeling anything other than anxious and overwhelmed.
I know I'm slowly going back to that outgoing person I was way before any of this and it's such a daunting feeling because I'm not used to feeling this content with how shit is.

The feeling of disappointment from my parents and my sister is something that hurts more than they realise, the look on their faces when I've fucked up like recently I know my decisions could have been alot better but it's hard. It's hard when I'll wanna go out everyday and because they aren't used to that they get really worried
about me and I wish shit was different. I know I don't make shit easier but idk.

We hit 18 thousand + views on this blog earlier and I'd just like to say how grateful I am for every single one of you that takes the time out to read this, I wanted to create this because I'm probably the most closed off person but I love writing and I enjoy writing about things I'm extremely passionate about. Writing about things like this which mean so fucking much to me has helped my anxiety too, it's like this big weight is slowly getting lifted off my chest and getting up in a morning is starting to get easier..
I'm writing this because it's almost Christmas, and it'll soon be ONE year since I started writing and thinking about this entire year is crazy to me, there's so many people who were in my life this time last year and now there's new people that I never thought I'd have in my life. (WHICH I'M EXTREMELY GRATEFUL FOR.)

I'm gonna add pictures from this year that have made me so fucking happy now, so enjoy.

Have a wonderful Christmas and stay positive.

If you ever wanna talk -
INSTA - livnizzzle_
TWITTER - LiVNiZZZLE

L x 



MY sister..

This is my sister..

You're one of a kind. 
You have the kindest heart, you're literally the most selfless person I know. 
This is my sister Jade. She's my older sister which means she's over protective as fuck and it does get crazy annoying. 

However, she's one of the loveliest people.. shit hasn't been easy for her at all but she's not let anything get her down. She's dealt with a ridiculous amount of stuff, stuff which I know I couldn't deal with as well as she has.

She's stayed up with me when I've been crying over some lame ass boy and she's been there when I've been so happy I could cry. I'm writing this now with a huge smile on my face.
She doesn't always understand but she tries her absolute hardest to try, I haven't always been the best little sister and I know her dealing with my shit as well as her own has been ridiculously tough on her too, more than I realise.


Of course we don't agree on everything and we do have a fuck tonne of arguments but this girl is truly a fucking gem. She is a one of a kind, and I couldn't be any happier she's my sister. 
I told her I'd write a post about her ages ago so I'm sticking to my promise now. 

Now Jade,
I love you more than words can ever explain. I'm proud as punch to have you as my sister, you're the best thing and I love ya.

Don't you ever go changing for anybody because you're beautiful, you have the kindest soul and I know you're going to make someone so fucking proud to have you because I'm proud to be related to you.

L x





relationships..

Being in a relationship with your bestfriend sounds amazing. I want to be with someone I just click with, who accepts all my weird little quirks and the random outbursts of whatever bullshit I come out with.

I've allowed myself to be unhappy, constantly anxious about how someone feels about me or if they're going to leave. But the truth is eventually everybody leaves you, you've just got to find someone that makes you feel less worried they're going to leave.
 I used to plan everything like in my last relationship I planned that at a certain I'd get married, have babies, etc. I realise how pressurizing that is now but I planned everything because I thought he'd leave so if we'd have all these plans he couldn't and that's so fucked up, I know.

I've allowed myself to be in a state of panic, paranoia and fear. I was so scared everybody around me would leave me that I never truly enjoyed every last second I spent with these people and I regret that massively. However, I'm extremely secure with the people I'm currently spending my time with and I cannot stress anymore that you really just have to let go of the people that make you second guess yourself constantly.
I'm genuinely happy, like I'm so content with how things have turned out. There's people that have really just made me happy. There's some people that have made effort and tried to understand me, some of them even read this so you'll know who you are.

I thought I'd never be able to get over Rhys and honestly I have. I thought I'd still be pining over him, we were good together but so so much better apart. That heartbreak taught me alot and it changed my perception and outlook on things. I have to allow myself happiness and that's what I'm finally doing, I'd have nightmares EVERY single night it'd usually be something fucked up but now.. I'm going to sleep with a smile on my face every single night and I couldn't be anymore prouder with myself for finally letting myself be happy.

.... to be continued.

Monday, 19 December 2016

Change your outlook..

Hey guys, I hope you've all had an awesome week.. as it's practically the start of the week I thought I'd do a real positive feel good post since my last couple were pretty deep..

So, last week my feelings completely changed about everything. If I've had one day that'll completely change my mood for the whole week and I literally let ONE bad day ruin an entire week when I could have been so productive. I let these negative thoughts run round and round in my head and essentially I drive myself crazy by overthinking shit I can't change and I really have to change that about myself.

I know this is something other people can relate too as well and I want to change how people feel about themselves in that sense too, you can NEVER ever let anxiety, depression, bad days, whatever else control your life because you'll get constantly stuck in a rut and essentially the only person you're hurting is yourself. I always used to think people would leave me and I'd be left on my own and it'd literally give me nightmares every single night until I left what scared me.
You cannot stay in situations or relationships, friendships whatever if it scares you. If you get so scared to the point you don't allow yourself to feel 100% happiness. And it's not essentially the other persons fault, it's just how you feel about them.

Don't let shady characters in your life make you feel less than you are because you're all worth the absolute world, however we as humans always settle for less than we deserve because we're scared of being alone. LOVE who you are, because YOU're beautiful, YOU're important, YOU're worth it.

Tell yourself every single day that and soon enough you'll start to believe it. Trust me on this one.

More positive posts coming soon..

L x


Sunday, 18 December 2016

I have to get this off my chest..

Pain changes people more than you can ever realise, you can go through life this happy go lucky person and it can take one thing that happens in your life to change all of that.

I'll be honest, I have major trust issues and I barely trust anybody. That doesn't mean they're shitty people or anything because some people emphasis on the SOME are really awesome people but because shitty people have fucked me over, stampled all over my heart and act like their shit don't stink then that's the main reason for my trust issues.
This post was gonna be about changes and how people can change you but shit, it's ending up to be a rant so enjoy..

People can be really fucking shitty and I hate that. This relates to one of my last posts massively, you can't control how someone treats you, as much as you wish you could you honestly don't know 100% how someone feels about you and that's whats kinda scary about being in relationships to be quite honest, for me it is anyway.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think badly of relationships I just feel like truly what's the point in them if at the end of the day you're just going to get fucked over and be upset about it. I used to be constantly anxious that shit would fuck up and in the end it did, I learnt how to be completely secure and something I realised whilst learning that was that I wasn't secure in my last relationship.

I'd have such a bad feeling he was going to fuck up and when shit was too good to be true he did fuck up, and there's probably more he hasn't told me but I don't care anymore, like honestly what's the point in caring about shit you can't change? I'm not with him and with how everything's turned out I'm glad I'm not with him. It's kinda funny really, I've changed my outlook on everything, yet he's constantly getting fucked up because he'd rather be completely high on some of the worst drugs than face his actual feelings and that's quite sad.

Before my birthday he'd convinced me he would be there, and everything would change. The day before my birthday he said he'd be there too. On my birthday, I had no messages telling me he wasn't coming, I waited for hours for him to come and he didn't. I was literally sat on the floor gaming looking out the window like a little kid waiting for Santa. It was when he stood me up on my birthday that I realised I had to truly let go of him, he'd let me down again and quite frankly I couldn't keep crying over him. He'd act like shit was gonna be fine after he sorted himself out, he was off drugs for a week or two and then he got bored of trying to better himself. If it wasn't hard drugs I'd have to accept it but it was hard drugs and I knew he was way too good for that shit.

It's close to being Christmas now and I'm honestly happy. It took so fucking long for me to be in a place where I can genuinely say I'm proud of the way things are going right now, it hasn't been easy not having my bestfriend around but it was such a one sided relationship. I'd give my all and in return I wouldn't get much back well that's what happened up until now.

I'm not sure if he'll read this or his family will but if he or they do -

 Good luck with everything, and I hope you're happy. You letting me go was probably the best thing you did for me and although I miss you and your dog, it's time to stop talking about you now.

L x






Saturday, 17 December 2016

HELP!!!

When I was ill and struggling I refused to talk to anyone because I feared being vulnerable and I didn't know if people would understand me. So because of that I went without telling people I was hurt and struggling until obviously my mama put 2+2 together and shit started to make sense.

There's this really awesome website ...  www.yourhope.io  and I'm super excited to share this with you all. If you're struggling and you just need to talk to somebody, anybody but people you know then this is probably going to help and save you massively.
You can talk anonymously and there's people who want to help and listen to your feelings and the stuff that's bothering you, there'll be absolutely no negativity and it's all about helping people that need it.

It gets released in 2017 and I think it's going to help so MANY people especially the younger generation, suffering through this.

Honestly if there was something like this when I was younger maybe I wouldn't still be struggling now but I'm here to raise awareness of mental health and stop people from suffering alone. I know how lonely and daunting it can get to fight a constant battle by yourself and you want to talk but you just can't because there's this fear of people knowing your struggling, it's okay to not be okay sweetheart.

There's still this HUGE stigma around mental health, like people physically need to talk about it however there isn't a huge number of people willing to listen and that's why I think this website is such a great idea, people commit suicide every single day because they're suffering and sometimes the pain just gets far too much for them to deal with and I find that to be so freaking heartbreaking, people just want someone to listen and understand and sometimes people just aren't willing to understand.
This website will help educate people on issues such as bullying, anxiety, suicide, just mental health in general and I think that's why I'm so excited for this site to be released. We need more people to truly educate themselves on a topic like this because there's so many suicides that happen because people can be ignorant about it.


I'm so privileged to be able to tell you all about this, it makes me so happy that this is becoming available for people in need.

www.yourhope.io 

- - - - - -  - - - - - - - - -  - - - 


I'll let you all know more when it comes out and when it's closer to the time of release, I just wnated you all to know a little abit about this site etc.

ThankYOU for reading!


pain changes people.

Pain has a way of changing people tremendously, you could be the chillest person until ONE thing  fucks you over or you get heartbroken and you literally change as a person.

The way my last relationship ended it had absolutely broken me, I was so hurt and so angry over losing my bestfriend for such a shit reason I took my pain out on other people. I know that's such a shitty thing to do but the saying hurt people, hurt people made sense then. I was constantly thinking maybe I coulda changed how I acted towards him, maybe I coulda been better but honestly none of what he did was my fault. I've realised that now too, you give someone your absolutely EVERYTHING and they can just drop you like it means nothing, peoples actions can be pretty fucked up.

However, after blocking him on everything and deleting all the pictures and everything else of us.. it became easier. I do miss my bestfriend don't get me wrong but things happen for a reason and I'm glad it happened then rather than after we got more serious. But anyway, it took me so long to finally actually realise that I don't need to rely on him or anybody else to be my main form of happiness because I can make myself happy.

People take themselves for granted far too much, and it's such a shame because there's nobody in this world that can love you as a person and more but yourself and if you don't show yourself the same amount of love you show other people, other people will show you the same amount of love that you show for yourself and you'll be treated badly because of it.
How you present yourself to the world allows others to know how they should treat you, and I know it's a really shitty thing to do but it's true.

Now, I'm happy and I'm more focused on keeping my head straight like I no longer want to get wrapped up into someone else's bullshit.. I no longer want to be surrounded by negative sources because honestly I'm really better than that, so is everybody else really. You can't strive for a positive lifestyle when you're always constantly consumed by so much negativity.

I'm going to be honest now, when my relationship ended I decided "fuck it." And I literally wanted to change, I wanted to become a better version of myself however the person I was in a relationship with went and did a complete 360* and although it really fucking sucks to see someone you adored put themselves through hell and back because they'd rather get fucked up than face their feelings but I had to let go and I'm currently leaving that behind.
That relationship was with my bestest friend in the whole entire world, we had some really amazing memories which of course I'm not going to forget but I've changed, so has he and he's absolutely nothing like the man I fell in love with and I've dealt with that.

Everybody who reads this blog has their own little story and I want to inspire and encourage people to want more. More for yourselves, more in life, NEVER settle for less than you deserve because you're only stopping yourself from your own happiness basically.

Friday, 16 December 2016

i don't know..

I'm not entirely sure where this post is gonna go but yeah..

The other day I met someone and I don't mean I'm in love with him or anything because I'm not but for the past few days I've really been working on myself and just really focusing on what makes me happy and I haven't need to rely on anybody to make me happy because I make me happy and that feels so fucking good.

But anyway, he sounds like me and because I'm northern as fuck and living where I do it's a completely different so to hear an accent that's so similar to mine was great, he's going back home today and well it's been great and I kinda already know it's not going to be the last time I see him but it kinda sucks haha..


I always used to hate going out literally I'd get so anxious about doing it and I just would majorly freak out but for the past couple of days I've been going out constantly and I'm so at ease with myself and it feels so good to finally be able to say I'm genuinely happy. I'm meeting new people and feeling confident in who I am as a person. It's kind of a miracle to be honest because I always thought I'd just be me on my own all the time and although my own company doesn't scare me or anything, I like going out with people and then spending my own time gaming. It makes me far too happy haha.

Anyway, there's currently a little something in the works for this blog so keep a watch out, thanks for reading and i love you!

have a fabulous day x

Thursday, 15 December 2016

RELATIONSHIPS!

Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in a couple days, I've been ridiculously busy but I have a crazy amount of posts coming up in the next few days so please keep an eye out for that!

As you can tell by the title I'm writing about relationships, it's something I'm highly opinionated on so yeah, lets get to it..

 I'm not someone that can have short term relationships, I always go into a relationship thinking ''Yeah, he's gonna be the man I marry, blah blah blah.'' However it doesn't end that way. Since writing this entire blog for alot of it I have only wrote about being with one person. I wrote way too much about him and then because of that I had to write about when we ended too, you all know how fucking hard that was for me because I was literally heartbroken.
BUT, I've come to realise that I have to focus on myself more than I did.. I have to really look after myself because I can get really stuck in a negative mindset, it affects my anxiety so so badly if I do.

I'm not really interested in someone just being occasionally in my life, I've got to the point where I'm if I'm not interested in you as anything more than friends I'd just be upfront about it really.
I'm not into no childish shit like I don't play games in relationships, quite frankly there isn't any point in it because at the end of the day somebody is always going to get to hurt.

To be honest, I'm just at the point where right now whatever happens relationship wise or not I'm just happy. I'm truly allowing myself to be happy and I'm so so grateful for the people around me that have helped me with that too..
In one of my last posts I wrote how alot of things would change on my birthday and so so so many things did!! I didn't see who I thought I would but that was probably the best thing really for me, I've had the pleasure of being able to speak to so many awesome people and the things that once broke me I'm kinda glad they did because otherwise I'd never have met the people I have and I'm pretty lucky for that.

The next few posts are going to up very shortly so watch out for that,

thanks for reading!!

Monday, 12 December 2016

untitled.

The problem with society these days is that everybody falls in love with the words people tell you, promises people make to you that eventually turn out to be bullshit but everybody's gotta realise it's the actions that matter. You can't sit at your computer posting how you're this big campaigner for mental health yet do nothing about it.

If you want to make a change in this world you gotta be the change, you gotta envision that the change is gonna happen and then it shall. There's only one person stopping you from doing anything in this world and that's YOU. Instead of always using the words 'I am' negatively about yourself, how bout you all say this?

''I am powerful.''
''I am strong.''
''I am healthy.''
"I am worth it."
"I am IMPORTANT."

Just because you've got negative influences around you that doesn't mean you have to be stuck in their mindset, if you keep telling yourself ' I am overweight, I am ugly, I am broke' then you'll get in this bad habit of being like fuck it, I'm ugly and fat and broke anyway. When I was ill I didn't give a fuck about anything, especially myself. I didn't care how I looked or what people thought of me because I knew it was obvious that I was ill anyway so eventually after me hiding it for a while I stopped caring, and that's the lowest you can go.

I was always bothered about my appearance before I got ill, I'd always do my hair and my make up an all that jazz. But I just stopped, and at that point of my life I literally hated myself and I'd given up on myself.

BUT one day I had this fire inside my heart and I'd decided I don't wanna give up on me anymore, I want more than just this for myself so I fought back. I conquered alot of my demons, I slowly recovered from anorexia.. although alot of the time I did have setbacks but I still continued to fight because I knew I was alot stronger than this and I wasn't ever going to let anorexia or anxiety beat me.

Never give up on yourself because the only person that can and will ever fight for you is yourself, and I know it's so so fucking hard to get out of that negative mindset about yourself. When I was ill my family would ask me if I'd start to try and eat more for them and I just didn't have it in me. Never be afraid of the struggle because the struggle has to happen before the sunshine appears.

And now, I'd just like to thank each and every one of you that has read this blog because this has helped me overcome so so many things and I hope it's helped you all too. When I first started reading I thought nobody would be interested or would read it but we're at almost 15 thousand views and I'm so fucking proud of how far we've all come with this. Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, mental illness in general isn't an easy thing to deal with especially if you're dealing with it on your own as well.
This blog is my safe place, I write when I'm sad, when I'm happy and I hold absolutely nothing back. So I hope that whoever's reading this now feels like they're not alone because no matter where you are in the world, no matter who you are.. you ALWAYS can get in touch with me because you have me.

ThankYOU all for reading this again, and I appreciate every single one of you.

contact meeee! -

email - livnizzzle@gmail.com
twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
instagram - livnizzzle_

xxx








/.

Do you ever meet someone that literally makes you just not feel anything but happy?

Well, I met someone in super weird circumstances but they're actually a really great person. On the evening of my birthday that's when we started talking and straight off the bat he made me laugh, like I felt ridiculously comfortable and that shit is new to me because I never do that. I never feel that at ease with somebody and it really surprised me.

I'm starting to allow myself to meet new people and you know it's never going to be something that just comes naturally for me but I literally felt so in my element and that's just kinda overwhelming for me because I've never met someone that makes me feel like that, ever.
After I saw him like I couldn't stop smiling because for the first time in months I was truly content,
With the way shits gone recently I just needed to allow myself to be free of the shit that bothers me and I did that yesterday, which feels like an absolute weight off my chest too.

I really enjoyed myself yesterday and I'm glad I gave myself that opportunity to meet someone new because we laughed alot, we got to know each other and really it was great, plus he's got extremely cute dogs so that's always a bonus.

I'll admit, I was extremely fucking anxious about meeting him but as soon we spoke I was just at ease, like I'd known him for longer than like what 3 days? I didn't really have any anxieties going round my head and I haven't felt like that for a very long time with somebody and although it was a dead odd feeling cos I haven't actually felt like that, it made me really just want to stop letting my anxiety get in the way of absolutely everything (which I do)..

I'm actually genuinely happy I met him, although he's a douchebag, he's a funny douchebag so it works.

YAY for conquering anxiety!!

Sunday, 11 December 2016

recently..

Recently I've had to deal with alot more shit than I thought was possible, so ima cut it down for you guys..

It was my birthday a couple days ago, I literally had the best birthday EVER. I allowed myself to be happy, like truly happy and I'll be honest I haven't felt true pure happiness like that in a while so it felt real fucking good. I gamed for a while then went out with my family and for one whole night I felt so anxiety and it felt so fucking freeing.
Having your every being consumed by anxiety and depression on the daily is fucking exhausting but I didn't want that for my birthday so I somehow pushed it to the back of my mind.

Having to let go of people that are so far from wanting help is the hardest thing to do and I had to do that as well. I know I said I'd never give up on the people I love the most but.. what about me? I'm giving my absolute everything to a person that doesn't care, and I had to let go. You can't save people that don't want to be saved but I did tell absolutely everything I knew about what that person was doing to his dad. It honestly breaks my heart the way it all turned out because when you see so much potential in somebody and they just take themselves for granted, it sucks.
On the night I let go of him, I lost my bestfriend again and it hurts more and more everytime that happens.

And then there's just a little something I want to say directly the Li, I think you're truly the best thing in the world and I know I've pushed you away tonight but just please know it isn't something I wanted to do because I'm hurting beyond belief. You are the light in the dark for me and you don't realise how much I value and appreciate you. You've been there for me when I've cried so much I look like a lil baby seal and you've been there when I've been crazily happy. You're the bets thing in the world and some girl is going to be so fucking lucky to have you.

And now.. honestly I don't know. I was really happy today and my emotions have hit me like a tonne of bricks basically. I just wish I would allow myself to be happy for once.

Sunday, 4 December 2016

....

I want the whole world to know how I feel about you, I want everybody to be able to see how much of a power couple we are, I want people to see how fucking in love with you I am.

Its never going to be easy, but its ALWAYS going to be absolutely worth it, you're always going to be worth it.. no matter how fucked up shit gets, you'll always be the man I see myself growing old with. I'm not going to mention any names or anything but ima be real with you guys...

For a while shit hasn't been easy, I've been trying and trying to keep on top of things when everything has just seemed to fall to shit. There's people that are very reliant on me so although there's days where I just wanna cry my eyes out and watch RuPaul's drag race, I'm not essentially allowed too.

I've rewrote this post twice now because there's so much I really want to say but there's alot of stuff that is incredibly personal, and I'll be honest there's alot of stuff that I haven't wrote about purely for the fact I'll have to really think about the issue in the first place and right now it's best to just avoid it..

When my relationship broke up, I wrote 4/5 posts literally a week or two later talking about moving on and all that bullshit and that wasn't fair. I was so bothered about putting posts up and everything that I didn't give myself a real chance to look after myself properly, I'd go out and spend the day with someone and that'd be fine til I got in my room and I just felt like crying.

It's 4 days til my birthday and I'm happy.

Happy in the sense that I have real amazing people around me and literally last night I just vented to a really genuine person and he made me realise that I allow people to effect me in such a negative way and that's kinda where I have to change my mindset.. and this is something I've let affect me for so long now that I'd kinda become oblivious to it til he said something and I woke up this morning with a completely different mindset.
I feel like throughout this whole blog I've been telling you guys how truly important you are but on the bad days I have I forget to remind myself just how important and needed I am, and that's definitely something that has to change, definitely.

I feel really happy with the choices I've made so far, it's been fucking exhausting but it's definitely been worth it and I wouldn't change any of it. I'm rather looking forward to my birthday, kinda nervous but so so excited for it too. Shit is definitely going to be changing on that day, if shit goes to plan.


i love you :) xx


Friday, 2 December 2016

anxiety prt 2

Hey guys! A while ago I did a post entirely just about my anxiety and how bad it can get and I figured I'd just do a lil update on that since alot of shit has changed so yeah!

PS - this little bit is dedicated to the one person/two people that commented on two of my most popular posts, I literally only saw them Friday and it was the sweetest thing EVER! I'll check more frequently now if anybody comments but I really appreciate every single one of you that takes the time out to read my blog, I've wrote about such personal things and I'm very appreciative of you all.

To be quite honest, I very rarely speak to people or even message them first so if I ever messaged you first then you have to be real special haha! I feel like I've become more closed off now than I was when I wrote my last post. I became very reliant on this one person so when they weren't there I was stuck. I didn't ever wanna get outta bed or just do things that were fucking hard anyway.
But I didn't want to be crying over that and be crying about my anxiety as well so I decided to change my attitude to absolutely everything.

I was scared of saying what was really on my mind because if I barely understand myself then who else is going to actually be able to understand me and why I am the way I am? I spent some time working on myself and I've met some shitty people in this time but I've met some really awesome people too and I've realised that I don't need anybody else to understand me, I just need to work on myself and realise I'm better than I give myself credit for. I've let so many people just walk all over me because I've been scared they'd just leave me and that's stupid.

A ridiculous amount of people have left me, and I'm not gonna say yeah I'm used too it but I get that things happen and people change so if people just wake up and decide they don't want you in their life anymore you can't fight for them to stay. Because one day your bestfriend might genuinely need you there and you have two choices, be there or don't talk to them.

Anyway I went slightly off topic there but I hope it kinda made sense..

I'm an extremely closed off and shut off person, there's some days where I want to just crawl under my duvets and just die and there's others were I want to do my hair and my make up and just convince myself ima be okay.
Anxiety is my worst enemy but there's so much more to me than it, it's been a very big part of my life and it's played a very big role in my life too but this shit doesn't define me.

I don't want this to be how people see me, I don't want people to pity or give me sympathy because I fucking hate that. My anxiety is shit, it can just come out of nowhere and I'll suddenly just feel like crying but all I want is for someone to understand me.