Wednesday, 9 November 2016

How I developed my eating disorder.. part 2

I isolated myself from the outside world, I'd spend most of my time drawing or watching Ru Paul's Drag Race {something I still do!} I'd try and stay off social media because I knew that was just going to make me feel worse so what really woulda been the point?

After staying in the comfort of my own house which felt like an eternity I'd felt like I was strong enough to try going to school again and me being the over confident tit that I am wanted to go straight into a lesson with actual people from my year group because I'd occasionally go to this building called the 3D centre which for the most part was okay but I was desperate to just get back into normalcy again so I decided to go into a lesson, and I hated it.

I wanted to just get straight back into being a normal teenager when I needed to build myself, build my confidence and sort of slowly beat my anxiety instead of it ruining me. I remember going into ONE lesson and I fucking hated it, I felt out of place and so uncomfortable that after the lesson was done I walked home. You're probably wondering why I didn't just leave it BUT I have severe anxiety so standing up and walking out in front of everybody wasn't exactly something I wanted to do, I woulda probably cried if I had.

Trying to look after anorexia made my anxiety worse and trying to look after my anxiety made my eating disorder so so much worse. So for my anxiety, I got put onto anti depressants and I felt like it made me put on weight so I became overly conscious about my weight which made that worse so I stopped taking my pills altogether. I figured I can look after myself without medication because come on, if I took the pills I'd probably develop anorexia again and be so so much worse off and at that moment I had everything I ever wanted so I wanted to exist and I wanted to have an amazing future..

Things have happened in these past few months and it did make my eating go down, you know when you get so upset that your throat just closes up and your heart literally feels like it's breaking? Yeah well that's what I felt constantly.. I wrote about this in a couple of my last posts too. But anyway, being so so fucking content with the way things are going then for it to suddenly be ripped away from you with no good reason fucking sucked. It broke me, and I'm slowly.. very slowly trying to figure shit out on my own now, and it's scary. It's been a couple months now yet I'm still trying to pick up the pieces that broke and I know eventually one day I'll be complete but for now I'm a working progress.

I wanted to write a post about this because it's something that I KNOW a lot of people suffer with, whether they have support from it or not. It's a tough thing to go through on your own but you ARE better than this, you may feel so fucking weak compared to it whether it's anxiety, depression, anorexia, bullying or anything else.. you ARE worth it, you DO have a reason to continue fighting and that reason is YOU baby. Keep doing you and whether people like it or not, fuck them. You're worth SO SO SO much more than you give yourself credit for..

Twitter - @LiVNiZZZLE
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Have a blessed day x

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