Sunday, 16 October 2016

taking medication..

Hey  guys, I hope you've all had an epic day wherever you may be.. I've spent my day watching documentaries and just relaxing tbh and I realised I've not really wrote a post about going on medication with mental illness so this one is going to be specifically all about that.. enjoy!

Okay so first of all I'll give you a little insight into me - I got severely bullied for years, I then developed an anorexia nervosa which then led to me developing severe anxiety which meant I couldn't stand to be anywhere but my own home and lastly I have depression so trying to look after one problem first is a super big issue..

So, I was in recovery for my eating disorder but I hadn't just got magically better, the thoughts of not eating were constantly in my head and my anxiety was at its peak so as that kept getting worse and my eating was getting slightly better sometimes, I wanted my anxiety to get better too. I'd gone to the doctors and they'd put me on fluoxetine and I hated it.

I hated it because the problems with my eating were coming back and they came back 10x stronger. Instead of it making my anxiety alot more manageable, it made me constantly paranoid about if I put weight on or if I looked different and I'd constantly scrutinize myself until I couldn't bare to look at myself in a mirror again. But I kept taking these pills because all I wanted was to just feel normal, even if it was for a day or a week. I wanted to feel like I had no cares and I wanted to like myself for once.
I'd go round my boyfriends house at the time and I'd literally watch what I ate, I'd eat so slowly too that eventually I'd just be like yeah I'm done, and I knew it was unhealthy but I just couldn't eat properly and take these pills, it was one or the other..

I don't exactly know what was going through my head at the time except I JUST WANTED TO BE NORMAL!! I didn't want people to think of me differently and people's opinions of me then mattered to me more than my own opinion of myself which sucks massively. But anyway, I just decided to throw all my pills away and from that day on I hadn't looked back.. I was more focused on my eating so I could get that sorted by myself, I wanted to sort of fix myself if that makes sense? I didn't want to have to rely on anything but myself and for the most part that worked.

And now.. I'm eating better well not healthier but it's baby steps right?! I'm able to help myself without needing to rely on others and you don't understand how great that feels. I feel like although I have mega bad days and on the rare occasion very super amazingly good days, I have my shit together and I'm more focused on staying true to who I am and I am a badass bitch that takes no shit from anybody.

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