The biggest scare for me was when I had to start buying clothes after I put weight on, I hated it. Although I wanted to get better, I was still massively scared of putting even a tiny bit of weight on, like I'll admit I still check what my weight is now especially on bad days and I'll feel bad but I won't go to the extent of what I used too. If I do have bad days of course I'll eat less but that isn't even by choice, I just get this HUGE fucking lump in my throat and it gets harder and harder to eat, especially when I get this little voice in my head again ..
"You're too fat..."
"You look ugly today.."
"You aren't good enough, you really think someone like him would like you? Silly girl"
Honestly though, changing your lifestyle after you've been so used to living one way then suddenly changing to another way - its fucking hard, what I realised is that I wouldn't just be 'fixed'. I never understood how I could live my life without all my demons following me or controlling my emotions.
When I was starving myself I thought it was a good thing, I couldn't control anything else around me but I could control what I eat and what I don't. I still have days where I honestly feel so lost and afraid of myself - mainly for the fact I know that with just one seriously bad day, it could all go back to the way it was and that scares me more than anything else.
Having an eating disorder is like being in a relationship, a really unhealthy one. It follows you around, it controls how you're feeling and it breaks you down to your bare minimum. I always wanted for it to just be over and I no longer wanted to fight for myself and I wanted to give up.
There are times that I'm so fucking glad I got ill because I was on such a downward spiral that if me getting ill hadn't of happened then who knows where I'd be right now? I think I'd probably be so so much worse than I was.
I never believed I was good enough or worthy of feeling 'normal'.. that's all I ever longed for, I wanted to have friends and I wanted to be in love and everything else but I just couldn't do it.
I remember going to the doctors after I got better and because I have severe anxiety I got put on anti depressants but I HATED them with a passion, they made me watch my weight and I always felt like I was putting weight on and that's the last thing I wanted and needed whilst I was still in recovery.
It's harder than others some days but I'm so glad I kept fighting. There's so many things I've experienced and I couldn't have done that if I gave up - I've felt real love, I've felt pure fucking happiness and I've felt the worse one of all.. heartbreak.
If there's one thing I could tell people that have or are suffering with this too is this..
Never feel like you aren't good enough. You're the fucking BOMB. You're so goddamn strong and I wish I could just hug every single one of you because you don't deserve this, having an eating disorder is scary, challenging and it'll break you down and that's a fact. BUT everytime it breaks you down, it gives you all a chance to build yourself back up ten times stronger and I believe in you all.
It's hard each and every day but YOU are enough of a reason to wake up every day, YOU are important and most of all YOU are worthy and you do deserve everything good this world has to offer.. You can conquer absolutely anything because we're all fucking warriors.
I love YOU all..
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