Friday, 28 October 2016

Late night thoughts..

When my relationship ended a close friend of mine said 'I wish I could be like you, you're so strong.' I just wanted to tell them that I'm not, I wasn't over this relationship that had ended. I lost my bestfriend because I believed I made him unhappy, was that the full truth? Fuck no but it's what I'd been made to believe at the time.
I had this thought of, what if it all just ended here? What would happen, would people finally change or would nothing change?
I had this feeling of what if, what if I just ran away and left all my problems here? I wanted to be free of this heartbreak, I didn't want it to be apart of me now..

I wanted to talk to loads of people and always go out, to fill the emptiness for just a few hours. I knew it wouldn't get him off my mind but I just wanted to feel something, anything but this constant pain. I wanted everybody to believe I was fine and over it, I wanted to act as if I didn't care at all and I'd just forgotten about it, but I hadn't. I met this guy someone who I used to speak too infact, at a coffee shop and it's quite funny because whilst I was just sat in this coffee shop waiting to meet someone else, he popped up and it was cool, he wanted to catch up again so I agreed too.
I'd seen him again after that and I couldn't pin point what it was but something just didn't feel right, he'd made it clear he wanted to be alot more than friends but I couldn't commit to that and he just didn't understand why...
The emptiness just got bigger. and bigger aaaaaaand bigger. I'd go out and even get to know people that I knew I wouldn't have a future with, the saying 'hurt people, hurt people' if that even makes sense.

I'd wear make up everyday to mask everything because I knew I wouldn't cry, this shit is too expensive to ruin. I'd keep it on til I was just about to sleep. I'd stay locked in my bedroom after I'd be out all of the day, mainly for the fact I knew I'd just be sat there with my thoughts going around my brain, over and over and over again. I'd be woken up by nightmares constantly, I used to love sleeping but it became a fear. I feared sleeping because I'd get woken up by the same nightmare, again and again and again.

I used to be one of them people that believed everybody had a good heart, whether they'd done bad things or everybody just thought they were trouble, I'd still believe they had a good heart but I realised that not everybody is gonna have a heart like mine, but I so desperately still wanted to believe there was so much more than I made him unhappy and I eventually found out it wasn't me.
I've been told I should hate him and I shouldn't give him no attention but I know he has a good heart, I was with him almost 2 years. I know he isn't a bad person, it just ended very badly.

But now, now I feel the calm. I no longer feel choked by my own thoughts. I still think about it all the time but I think of being happy. I think about being so happy I happy danced, I think of being so genuinely truly in love that nothing else in the world mattered. I think about meeting my bestfriend for the first time and realising this was what love was.
There's times where I literally had to be strong, for everything, for him, for me because I knew otherwise he'd be gone in an instance. I had to be strong because feeling numb and sorry for myself wasn't getting me anywhere.
I had to be strong because if it was worth it it'd come back to me one day and I had so much hope, I'm still full of hope. Never give up on the people you love because they may just need you and are scared to let you know.


  1. you are incredible, your words are beautiful and so are you. the world sucks and is always changing for the worst, please dont ever change

  2. thankyou SO much, you're the best! I've only just seen this and it's the loveliest thing EVER! I won't my love X