I've been in such a funk today like I haven't found the motivation to get up outta bed or do my make up and go out. I FINALLY figured out why I'm feeling this way..
A few days ago I found out WHY my relationship actually ended, after him being so persistent in telling me he was so unhappy to be with me, which I knew wasn't true. Yet, I've been going round and round in my head over the real reason and I said after so many phone calls and texts that I'd still be here and that I'd wait for him to get better.
YET, my problem is that I'd be waiting for someone that convinced me I wasn't enough and made me physically question my own worth, I'd be waiting for someone that would probably be doing god knows what with god knows who whilst I'm sat at home waiting for him to fix up.
I know for a fact too that he's rather happy moving on too yet he'd like me to be around and that's cool, I'd be there for someone that's struggling BUT I'm not going to be there for someone that's just going to mug me off again.
I felt like damaged goods, that nobody would or could ever make me feel that insanely happy again, and I compare every single guy that talks to me or just wants to know me better, to him. I shouldn't compare guys to him because everybody's different but it feels wrong and weird to even think of me being with someone else and that fucking sucks. I hate feeling so vulnerable like this, there's so much going on in my head that I can barely focus on anything.
I begged and pleaded for that relationship, for him to just be mine again, I'd cry myself to sleep every night and I'd feel so fucking broken inside yet I'd keep it all in because I wanted to pretend everything was fine even when it wasn't.
There's still SO much hurt and anger there and it truly fucking broke me, I'm trying to stop wanting to call or text him yet I always find a reason too.
I wish things were different, I wish I could allow myself to be truly happy.