Friday, 28 October 2016

Late night thoughts..

When my relationship ended a close friend of mine said 'I wish I could be like you, you're so strong.' I just wanted to tell them that I'm not, I wasn't over this relationship that had ended. I lost my bestfriend because I believed I made him unhappy, was that the full truth? Fuck no but it's what I'd been made to believe at the time.
I had this thought of, what if it all just ended here? What would happen, would people finally change or would nothing change?
I had this feeling of what if, what if I just ran away and left all my problems here? I wanted to be free of this heartbreak, I didn't want it to be apart of me now..

I wanted to talk to loads of people and always go out, to fill the emptiness for just a few hours. I knew it wouldn't get him off my mind but I just wanted to feel something, anything but this constant pain. I wanted everybody to believe I was fine and over it, I wanted to act as if I didn't care at all and I'd just forgotten about it, but I hadn't. I met this guy someone who I used to speak too infact, at a coffee shop and it's quite funny because whilst I was just sat in this coffee shop waiting to meet someone else, he popped up and it was cool, he wanted to catch up again so I agreed too.
I'd seen him again after that and I couldn't pin point what it was but something just didn't feel right, he'd made it clear he wanted to be alot more than friends but I couldn't commit to that and he just didn't understand why...
The emptiness just got bigger. and bigger aaaaaaand bigger. I'd go out and even get to know people that I knew I wouldn't have a future with, the saying 'hurt people, hurt people' if that even makes sense.

I'd wear make up everyday to mask everything because I knew I wouldn't cry, this shit is too expensive to ruin. I'd keep it on til I was just about to sleep. I'd stay locked in my bedroom after I'd be out all of the day, mainly for the fact I knew I'd just be sat there with my thoughts going around my brain, over and over and over again. I'd be woken up by nightmares constantly, I used to love sleeping but it became a fear. I feared sleeping because I'd get woken up by the same nightmare, again and again and again.

I used to be one of them people that believed everybody had a good heart, whether they'd done bad things or everybody just thought they were trouble, I'd still believe they had a good heart but I realised that not everybody is gonna have a heart like mine, but I so desperately still wanted to believe there was so much more than I made him unhappy and I eventually found out it wasn't me.
I've been told I should hate him and I shouldn't give him no attention but I know he has a good heart, I was with him almost 2 years. I know he isn't a bad person, it just ended very badly.

But now, now I feel the calm. I no longer feel choked by my own thoughts. I still think about it all the time but I think of being happy. I think about being so happy I happy danced, I think of being so genuinely truly in love that nothing else in the world mattered. I think about meeting my bestfriend for the first time and realising this was what love was.
There's times where I literally had to be strong, for everything, for him, for me because I knew otherwise he'd be gone in an instance. I had to be strong because feeling numb and sorry for myself wasn't getting me anywhere.
I had to be strong because if it was worth it it'd come back to me one day and I had so much hope, I'm still full of hope. Never give up on the people you love because they may just need you and are scared to let you know.

Saturday, 22 October 2016

suicidal thoughts..

As you can tell by the title of this post, it's going to be about suicidal thoughts and my experiences in feeling that low. Before I start the whole post I just wanna say that, you're all worth it, every single one of you that read my posts whether it's on a daily basis or not, YOU deserve everything the world has to offer and you need to remember that..

To be honest there's so much I could write about, so I'll start off by writing about recent shit and then go back..

As you all know my relationship ended and I was scared, I was scared of not having him to rely on or if I had a bad nightmare who was gonna be there to calm me down? I feared my future, I feared not being with the man I loved. I couldn't stand to be in my own room because he was supposed to live there too. The day it ended, I felt as if everything around me had suddenly gone to shit and honestly I didn't want to exist anymore. It wasn't the fact that my relationship ended but I'd lost my future, I'd lost my bestfriend, the person I could call whenever I needed too, I'd lost someone I relied on and him not being in my life scared me because I was again, alone.
SO many people in my life have left me, whether it's been friends or bestfriends, they've left me and I've been on my own and I never once thought I'd go back to feeling all of that again, and I did.

I couldn't stand to be in my own company there's so many things I just wanted to say yet I couldn't speak without my voice going and I'd break down all over again. I started going out because I figured that would take my mind off him for atleast a couple hours, I started talking to other guys thinking I'd feel so over him afterwards and I didn't. I felt like my heart was so broken that I was living. Days went quicker when I'd go out or if I'd have a couple beers, things got easier on the outside but it never left my fucking head.
I find that I still wear this mask, this full face of make up and this big cheesy smile just so noone can see what's really going on..

Now this is going back to when I was still at school..

I did the same thing I did in the last paragraph, I'd do my full makeup, plaster a big smile on my face and convince myself i'ma be okay today and I did that every day before school because I hated it. I hated that nobody could see what I was going through, I hated that my friends didn't even believe me when I'd said I was getting bullied. I'd stopped eating anything at school too so this was where my journey with an eating disorder began to happen.

It was the six week holidays and I'd barely gone to school anyway but seriously I remember this like it happened yesterday. I'd just made some dinner and I'd gone back to sit on my bed and watch some youtube videos and I had a bbm {blackberry messenger} and I was talking to this one boy and in the end it eventually turned out that he was best friends with the girls that bullied me so he'd started to say some bullshit too, so going to school I'd get bullied, in the comfort of my own home I'd get bullied on social media - so I wasn't safe anywhere. I felt like I wasn't meant to be here because this shit wasn't fair.
Of course nobody deserves to be bullied but when you're at your own home whilst you're in your comfort zone, someone makes you feel uncomfortable you feel out of place in the one place you should feel safe and happy. It fucking sucked.

But what I'm trying to get at with this post is that you can't give up, I went from being this young girl that didn't understand why people could be such fucking dickheads to a smart, brave young woman that realised that although people can be complete dickbags, there's some good people out there that are willing to understand and help you so you won't ever feel alone again.

Never ever give anybody the power to break your heart or destroy you mentally and physically because you have the power to change the world, you can do anything with your life and how you want it to turn out.

YOU are brave,
YOU are smart,
YOU are worth it.

x x x

Thursday, 20 October 2016

the future..

A couple of months ago I thought I'd be sharing my future with someone that I believed were my future and when that ended I had no idea what I was going to do. I was lost, I felt like everything I believed was bullshit and I needed to figure what I truly wanted out. I know exactly what I want..

My future isn't in somebody else and I don't have to rely on somebody else to make me feel the same feeling of content or happiness.

Thinking of the future seemed so daunting to me a couple months ago, I was so insecure about everybody leaving me that I didn't appreciate fully having them people around but they're gone and now I need to appreciate fully everything I do whether it's spending time with my siblings or meeting new people. ALWAYS appreciate the time you have with people because you never know when it's gonna end, you never know what's gonna happen tomorrow or even a week from now.. but never take people for granted.

I've thought so much about my future and I've even spoke about my plans with people and the more I talk about what I want in life, the more I want it. Anxiety and anorexia are things that have controlled my life for far too long now and to be honest I want so much more for myself. I want to stop allowing myself to be controlled by these things because I want to do the things that are outta my comfort zone, I want to do the shit that makes me anxious. I didn't always get anxious over 'insignificant' things, it hasn't always been this way and I'm not gonna give up on myself again. I'm better than that.

I give so many chances and I barely get one, and that's a trait I want to work on. I don't believe in giving up on the people that need you, no matter how badly they've treated you. Some people would say that's being a mug and you're letting people walk all over you but honestly? When you can tell somebody is pushing you away when they've been your number 1 fan for so long, there's gotta be an underlying reason for what they're doing. - I don't give up on the people that need me, no matter how much they try to push me away because they don't want me to be in any 'trouble' shit is worth it man.

The future is still scary as fuck to me because shit could change in a click whether you like it or not, and there's certain people that I genuinely wish I could change their actions or change how shit happened but I can't, all I do know is that actions speak louder than words baby.

Have a fucking awesome day.


x x x x

Monday, 17 October 2016


My two biggest fears; I fucking hate the dark, it's not the fear of the dark I have, it's the fear of the unknown and my other biggest fear is being left. That's already happened but whatever.

"I came to realise it's that fear, that's the worst of it. That's the real enemy,

 Get up! Get up in the real world and you kick that bastard as hard as you can right in the teeth."

That's my favourite quote about fear, fear is the one thing that stops us from doing the things we want too, because we're so scared of the little voice in your head being right but it never is.
Fear is the one thing that can either make you or break you, it's all good having fear that then motivates you to overcome all the obstacles that stop you but then there's that fear that holds you back from doing the things you want too.

Everybody gets this little voice in their head that says 'you're just gonna fuck it up' or 'you're just going to ruin it, this won't work' relationships, career choices, life in general - ignore that voice that says you cant do this and prove it wrong because the only person that will suffer if you don't risk it is you.
Risks are scary I get that, you never know what's going to happen, will it work or will it all fuck up? Tomorrow isn't promised, you never know what's gonna happen tomorrow or next week or next month, you could get stuck in a rut and not know how to get out of it. You know what you want yet you're too scared to get it, if you don't know how to get it yourself, ask others for help.

I told somebody the other day to get help and they were so scared of the idea of it because they didn't know what was going to happen and they wanted it but they were so scared of the idea. It's a scary idea to take a risk or take a chance even if there's a bigger chance it'll work and things will fix up, there's always that tiny chance it'll fuck up ans you'll be even more lost and then what do you do?

Never ever let fear overcome you, always take a chance in life because YOU deserve everything that this world has to offer, but you need to want it for yourself. You need to want change for change to happen, always fight for your future because it's only you who can do that for yourself.
When the voice in your head says you don't deserve this, push yourself harder and realise you DO deserve this. You ARE great and you CAn be powerful as fuck, you just have to feel it in your heart and soul.

Sunday, 16 October 2016

taking medication..

Hey  guys, I hope you've all had an epic day wherever you may be.. I've spent my day watching documentaries and just relaxing tbh and I realised I've not really wrote a post about going on medication with mental illness so this one is going to be specifically all about that.. enjoy!

Okay so first of all I'll give you a little insight into me - I got severely bullied for years, I then developed an anorexia nervosa which then led to me developing severe anxiety which meant I couldn't stand to be anywhere but my own home and lastly I have depression so trying to look after one problem first is a super big issue..

So, I was in recovery for my eating disorder but I hadn't just got magically better, the thoughts of not eating were constantly in my head and my anxiety was at its peak so as that kept getting worse and my eating was getting slightly better sometimes, I wanted my anxiety to get better too. I'd gone to the doctors and they'd put me on fluoxetine and I hated it.

I hated it because the problems with my eating were coming back and they came back 10x stronger. Instead of it making my anxiety alot more manageable, it made me constantly paranoid about if I put weight on or if I looked different and I'd constantly scrutinize myself until I couldn't bare to look at myself in a mirror again. But I kept taking these pills because all I wanted was to just feel normal, even if it was for a day or a week. I wanted to feel like I had no cares and I wanted to like myself for once.
I'd go round my boyfriends house at the time and I'd literally watch what I ate, I'd eat so slowly too that eventually I'd just be like yeah I'm done, and I knew it was unhealthy but I just couldn't eat properly and take these pills, it was one or the other..

I don't exactly know what was going through my head at the time except I JUST WANTED TO BE NORMAL!! I didn't want people to think of me differently and people's opinions of me then mattered to me more than my own opinion of myself which sucks massively. But anyway, I just decided to throw all my pills away and from that day on I hadn't looked back.. I was more focused on my eating so I could get that sorted by myself, I wanted to sort of fix myself if that makes sense? I didn't want to have to rely on anything but myself and for the most part that worked.

And now.. I'm eating better well not healthier but it's baby steps right?! I'm able to help myself without needing to rely on others and you don't understand how great that feels. I feel like although I have mega bad days and on the rare occasion very super amazingly good days, I have my shit together and I'm more focused on staying true to who I am and I am a badass bitch that takes no shit from anybody.

the truth.

The other day I got told I should work harder on my blog if it's something I'm passionate about, someone who barely knows me tried to have an opinion on the one thing I care about the most and it really fucking irritated me.

I started writing this blog because I'm not much of a talker yet I can easily write my feelings and how I'm feeling down. I wanted to have a safe place for me to vent too and just in general talk too because I was insanely scared of losing my boyfriend {I don't know why but yeah}. With this blog I have wrote about everything, the happiness I've felt, the sadness, the heartbreak - every fucking thing.

For a VERY long time this blog was the one thing that made me look forward to waking up, there were so many times that I'd have much rather not existed than feel the way I did. There were times very recently too that I had so much stuff going round and round in my head yet I didn't wanna talk about it so I wrote posts about it, not every post is going to positive or cheerful because that isn't how I feel. Alot of the time I feel constantly on edge, I put this facade up so noone can really see if I'm full of panic and anxiety or if I just don't want to be here or anything really -  this blog is the one thing that genuinely keeps me going.

I've been in abit of a rough patch recently, my mind is a constant mess and living with mental illness on a 24/7 day to day basis is fucking tough man. How are you really meant to find motivation out of wanting to just hide under your duvet and never come up again???? It's so challenging to motivate yourself to do something when you don't even have the energy too. I'm not this confident happy person that people think I am, I struggle hard but I never ever let people see this struggle because I'm a very proud person so no way is anybody gonna see me down and if they do then that's when shit has got real.

I'm human, I suffer with anxiety and my eating on a day to day basis so nobody can ever tell me I don't try. It's hard to get out of bed every morning so for me to sit down and write exactly how I'm feeling? That's harder.


Saturday, 8 October 2016


I've been in such a funk today like I haven't found the motivation to get up outta bed or do my make up and go out. I FINALLY figured out why I'm feeling this way..

A few days ago I found out WHY my relationship actually ended, after him being so persistent in telling me he was so unhappy to be with me, which I knew wasn't true. Yet, I've been going round and round in my head over the real reason and I said after so many phone calls and texts that I'd still be here and that I'd wait for him to get better.
YET, my problem is that I'd be waiting for someone that convinced me I wasn't enough and made me physically question my own worth, I'd be waiting for someone that would probably be doing god knows what with god knows who whilst I'm sat at home waiting for him to fix up.

I know for a fact too that he's rather happy moving on too yet he'd like me to be around and that's cool, I'd be there for someone that's struggling BUT I'm not going to be there for someone that's just going to mug me off again.

I felt like damaged goods, that nobody would or could ever make me feel that insanely happy again, and I compare every single guy that talks to me or just wants to know me better, to him. I shouldn't compare guys to him because everybody's different but it feels wrong and weird to even think of me being with someone else and that fucking sucks. I hate feeling so vulnerable like this, there's so much going on in my head that I can barely focus on anything.
I begged and pleaded for that relationship, for him to just be mine again, I'd cry myself to sleep every night and I'd feel so fucking broken inside yet I'd keep it all in because I wanted to pretend everything was fine even when it wasn't.

There's still SO much hurt and anger there and it truly fucking broke me, I'm trying to stop wanting to call or text him yet I always find a reason too.

I wish things were different, I wish I could allow myself to be truly happy.

Sunday, 2 October 2016


After living with this for so long its hard to change your complete routine, your eating habits especially the bad ones, you have to change almost everything you got so used to doing and it's so scary.

The biggest scare for me was when I had to start buying clothes after I put weight on, I hated it. Although I wanted to get better, I was still massively scared of putting even a tiny bit of weight on, like I'll admit I still check what my weight is now especially on bad days and I'll feel bad but I won't go to the extent of what I used too. If I do have bad days of course I'll eat less but that isn't even by choice, I just get this HUGE fucking lump in my throat and it gets harder and harder to eat, especially when I get this little voice in my head again ..

"You're too fat..."
"You look ugly today.."
"You aren't good enough, you really think someone like him would like you? Silly girl"

Listen to ALL you girls, guys, young or old - every single one of you are so much more than this, it's extremely hard to get out of bad habits that you set yourself but once you truly believe in yourself and believe you WILL overcome this, you have to be strong, so fucking strong.

Honestly though, changing your lifestyle after you've been so used to living one way then suddenly changing to another way - its fucking hard, what I realised is that I wouldn't just be 'fixed'. I never understood how I could live my life without all my demons following me or controlling my emotions.
When I was starving myself I thought it was a good thing, I couldn't control anything else around me but I could control what I eat and what I don't. I still have days where I honestly feel so lost and afraid of myself - mainly for the fact I know that with just one seriously bad day, it could all go back to the way it was and that scares me more than anything else.

Having an eating disorder is like being in a relationship, a really unhealthy one. It follows you around, it controls how you're feeling and it breaks you down to your bare minimum. I always wanted for it to just be over and I no longer wanted to fight for myself and I wanted to give up.
There are times that I'm so fucking glad I got ill because I was on such a downward spiral that if me getting ill hadn't of happened then who knows where I'd be right now? I think I'd probably be so so much worse than I was.

I never believed I was good enough or worthy of feeling 'normal'.. that's all I ever longed for, I wanted to have friends and I wanted to be in love and everything else but I just couldn't do it.
I remember going to the doctors after I got better and because I have severe anxiety I got put on anti depressants but I HATED them with a passion, they made me watch my weight and I always felt like I was putting weight on and that's the last thing I wanted and needed whilst I was still in recovery.

It's harder than others some days but I'm so glad I kept fighting. There's so many things I've experienced and I couldn't have done that if I gave up - I've felt real love, I've felt pure fucking happiness and I've felt the worse one of all.. heartbreak.

If there's one thing I could tell people that have or are suffering with this too is this..
Never feel like you aren't good enough. You're the fucking BOMB. You're so goddamn strong and I wish I could just hug every single one of you because you don't deserve this, having an eating disorder is scary, challenging and it'll break you down and that's a fact. BUT everytime it breaks you down, it gives you all a chance to build yourself back up ten times stronger and I believe in you all.

It's hard each and every day but YOU are enough of a reason to wake up every day, YOU are important and most of all YOU are worthy and you do deserve everything good this world has to offer.. You can conquer absolutely anything because we're all fucking warriors.

I love YOU all..



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