Friday, 30 September 2016


Happiness always starts with YOU. You have to physically want it, to want to be and to want to feel it.
The reason we as humans get stuck in ruts is that once you get stuck in a constant bad mood, it'll feel freaky to actually feel great and because you're so scared of feeling good you'll automatically wanna resort to feeling bad again. It's human, I do it more than I care to admit.

Let's take love for example - if you've been with someone for so long that you'll get stuck in the same pattern of speaking to them every day, seeing them consistently, feeling the same love on a constant basis - so when it does eventually end you'll be scared because who do you have to lean back on? That's why people move on so so quickly, you crave to feel the same love and happiness as you did before but with a different person. But in the end, someone ALWAYS gets hurt because it isn't as real as you first thought.

As soon as I'd come out of my relationship I couldn't stand to be in my room, I couldn't stand to be in a house where me and Rhys had so many memories, I couldn't stand walking past somewhere we'd been or anything like that but then I realised something... That although I was constantly laid in bed crying, things move on and it's upto you to decide when like my last post says. I stayed at my brother's and his girlfriends place and I felt 'normal', I felt fucking broken inside but I wasn't getting stuck or lost in my thoughts, my mind was off him and I thought "Fuck it, I think I can do this now."

I physically WANTED to be happy, I wanted to be able to figure things out for myself, and more to the point I no longer wanted to give a fuck. About everything, I wanted to be able to prove to myself that I CAN do things without him. I no longer wanted to rely so much on someone that left me like it was easy, I understand why he did it now but it's excuses that are so unnecessary, it makes no sense.

I've proved to myself that although it's inevitable to feel the way my anxiety makes me feel, I'm so so slowly getting on top of it aka I'm fucking winning. I can go out of my house and meet someone and not feel guilty or that I just wanna hide because I don't anymore, I'm a fucking warrior and I want everybody and anybody to see it.
I have a battle within myself that I have to try and overcome every single day, and at one point in my life I honestly wanted this to be done, I wanted to stop existing and just let it become the best of me and for some reason I fought the battles, I still fight today.

I fight for all the people out there that once fought the same battles I do and it unfortunately got the better of them, I do it because EVERYBODY deserves so fucking more of what they allow themselves to have. Being in a war with yourself is one of the hardest and most brutal things you'll have to deal with but once you decide you're so much better than it then it loses.

Find your inner warrior and fight this bitch with me,

Love YOURSELF because you'll never be able to love someone else properly.

I love YOU ALLLLL!!!

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Wednesday, 28 September 2016


I don't even know if this post has a purpose or if I'll even keep it up but I just have to vent and let my thoughts out otherwise I know I'll cry or text someone I shouldn't..

Honestly, my emotions are so goddamn conflicted right now. This week I've gone out alot, I've smiled so goddamn much yet I miss my bestfriend. Forget the fact we were in a relationship but that wasn't how it all started, we were friends and then best friends for so long before we'd even gave this a try. I remember drunk calling him and ranting that some guy's broken my heart but that's another story. He was my bestfriend when everybody else fucked off, this stranger took the time to stay up til 5am nearly everyday to just talk to me about random shit that barely made sense, but that's why our conversations worked so well.

On Monday I hadn't smiled that much in so fucking long, just the way somebody treated me and acted towards me was honestly the best feeling. I hadn't felt like that in such a long time. I'd started to question my own worth and that I'm not good enough, so for someone to treat me that well like I honestly could get used to it..

And now, I'm ready to say goodbye..

Thankyou Rhys, for being my bestest friend and the person I wanted to give my heart too. I'm sorry it didn't work out but I hope one day someone makes you feel the way I felt on Monday because it's a fucking great feeling. I hope everything works out for you in the end and I wish you all the happiness in the world. I love you always.

ALWAYS be dignified.

I started writing this post honestly about to cry and now I feel like this massive weight has been lifted off my chest and after this post there won't be any more relationship type posts..



When is the RIGHT time to move on?...

No amount of time is the right time.. There's not a certain amount of time that's right.

I believe in feelings though and when you meet someone that makes your smile bigger than ever and your eyes wider then that's the right time. Whether it's weeks or months or even years after the relationship ended, you'll know when the right time is when you meet someone that makes you feel lucky that it didn't work out with anybody else before.

I'll be honest, as my relationship was slowly dying down and fading into the shit storm it became, I still held hope out for it even when the other person didn't believe in it or me anymore and I know me clinging onto the rubble of the relationship was because I was scared to feel that way for anybody else, I hate feeling vulnerable so putting myself in that situation again with someone else didn't feel right.
You can go from feeling safe and secure around someone to feeling like you don't know them anymore and that's absolutely fine - people change, I changed and matured whilst some people just stuck to what they do best and you can NEVER make people change, they'll only change if they want too.

If somebody makes you feel so goddamn happy then go for it because the person that deserves happiness is ALWAYS you! There's no need to keep grieving over a relationship that obviously isn't going to work out again, be happy with someone that makes you feel like you're their world.

And ALWAYS remain dignified.

O x

Monday, 26 September 2016

new new chapter, 1.

Hey guys and welcome to this new chapter - this is gonna be full of everything, new people I meet even old people that I've gotten in contact with again. New relationships and all that other future shit.


It's like that one friend that always puts you down, tells you you aren't good enough and basically makes you question yourself 24/7. It's something I deal with every day, some days I can battle through it all and others I'll just want to stay in my bed and never come out again - it's unpredictable as fuck. 

I find it hard to trust people, especially people that have let me down before - and this is where everything comes into place... Today I went out for a couple hours with someone kinda special, I felt nervous and anxious as fuck but I kinda just wanted to be out of my room and I did actually wanna go out so I did it and you wanna know the best part? I hadn't smiled or laughed like that in months and it felt fucking wonderful. I find that some days like today I'm in control of my emotions like there's no bullshit, I don't feel like having a panic attack or being sick. I just felt good. 

This is what I'm trying to get at, you ALWAYS have to push yourself and push those limitations you've set for yourself because the only way you'll pass expectations is if you beat them. If you didn't ever have bad days then you'd never be able to grow and learn from the bad. Nothing is perfect and life will ALWAYS goddamn test you, you have to always win because the day you say no and give up - you already lose. 

Always fight for the right to be yourself, never let your mind tell you shit that isn't true. 

Be passionate and always love - love always wins. 


Friday, 23 September 2016

moving on..

I never thought I'd be writing a post like this on or my last so this shits kinda new to me right now.

At first it felt like I could never be apart from him or just be myself without  him because I felt like he built me up so much that I kinda figured I'd just come crashing down as soon as it ended, and I haven't..

It's weird not waking up to good morning messages or talking to some all day til we slept then kept the conversation going for days. It's weird not telling someone how your day went or how you feel about things in general. The day he ended it for good, I didn't just lose my boyfriend, I lost my bestfriend, the man I was going to marry. I could never accept that, I couldn't accept that he didn't want this because I didn't want it to be real. I wanted to work something out, I wanted anything but this to happen and he just didn't want me. But, I'm learning how to be myself on my own and although I miss my bestfriend - he doesn't want me and I can't pursue someone that doesn't want me.

Moving on doesn't mean forgetting all that's happened or what you two had, it just means taking proper care of yourself - for days I didn't eat, sleep or drink properly. All I did was cry in my duvet and whenever I'd speak about it I'd cry - I cried on the bus after he gave me most of my stuff back and said he didn't want me. There comes a point when you legitimately have to decide ''WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP CRYING?!!!!"

I spoke and stayed at my brother's house and I spent the day with him and his girlfriend, and I'm not even sure what happened but something clicked in my head and I finally decided to stop it. Stop crying, stop wasting my days in bed crying.
I have to prioritize myself and if I'm not your number one priority then I'm not wasting my time crying over you.

I loved the time I spent with him, I love him as a person and I think I probably always will. I appreciated everything him and his family have done for me and I'm going to miss them crazy amounts.

Moving on is hard, but sometimes you just gotta focus on yourself and what's really best for you.

I love my boo boo.

Now, time to chill the fuck out. Goodnight.

Wednesday, 21 September 2016


I'm gonna be real with you guys, I know I've wrote so many goddamn posts about me and my boyfriend we've either argued or it's an anniversary or we even went somewhere cool, this post isn't going to be like any of them.

On the 19th of September he'd decided he didn't want me anymore and although I don't agree with his decision, I respect it, 

I spent days and nights crying in my bed, wondering where the fuck it went wrong and how I could have changed things. I begged and pleaded for him to change his mind and he had his mind set. It's heartbreaking because I don't know where I went wrong, or how I could have prevented this and I realised I couldn't have known any of that because he played his part so goddamn well. We spent nights planning our future and talking about him moving in, we'd gone away for a few days and I'd met alot more of his family. He held my hair back whilst I was being sick, he'd kissed me right after I was sick too and I knew he loved me, 

He played his part so well because after being with him for so long now he decides he isn't and wasn't happy being with me, blah blah blah. I feel so fucking sorry for you and I say you because I know he's going to read this like he always does - I feel so sorry for him because I know for a fact he isn't going to find someone who fought so hard to be with him, who loves him that much it's physically hurting not being with him and I know he's NEVER going to find someone that could make him as happy as I know I did. 

We weren't ever perfect because perfect doesn't exist, but we were happy and we definitely loved eachother, I know that for a fact. 

I'm sad, angry and hurt by all of this. Please don't expect another post for a while. 

Thankyou all for reading this, 


Wednesday, 14 September 2016

Today's a bad day.

I woke up already feeling like shit from yesterday - I'd spent the whole day puking my guts up and I barely got any sleep so I felt even worse.

It's not even turned 9am yet and I'm already wishing for the day to be over. There's one feeling I hate the most and that's feeling like a burden to people. What I've noticed having anxiety is that you become more dependent on other people, and not everybody is going to have your likes and dislikes and I realise that, it's fine but I have to get myself out of the mindset that people are going to be as good to you as you are to them,

Having anxiety in itself is a burden because over a long time period you become reliant on other people, but one thing I personally need is consistency and Ill never ever be able to get used to something without it being a constant thing and it bothers me so goddamn much.
I wish I didn't even have this because it's ALWAYS fucking with me, I wish it didn't make me feel more sensitive and I wish it didn't make being in a relationship such a fucking hard thing to do.

If I didn't have anxiety I'd be a completely different person and it would definitely stop arguments being made. There's so many things I wish I could change, and this is one of them. I don't always have good days and I don't always have bad days but I never know what to expect when I wake up and it fucking sucks.

I wish so many things were different.

Sunday, 4 September 2016



It's a big issue for me, I hate not trusting someone and I hate trusting them too much. I used to put too much trust into people like I never believed people could be so bad, even when I was younger I'd put so much trust into strangers.
Trusting people too much and too little has always and will always probably be my downfall, I have no in between I either trust you too much or far too little. We could be friends for say 10 years and I still wouldn't trust you at all, I'd still be your friend, I just wouldn't trust you.

Maybe I trust people too little because of my experience that people can be really fucking shitty. Or maybe it is because most of the population IS really fucking shitty.
I always wanted loads of friends and I always wanted to be someone people liked whether or not I liked me, I always focused more on what other people thought of me rather than what I thought of me and looking back now I shouldn't of allowed myself to become like that because I was pretty fucking awesome before I changed.

It takes a strong and courageous person to admit their flaws right? MINE are that I'm paranoid people are always going to fuck me over whether it's people I've met on social media whilst writing this blog or people in my real day to day life. I overthink to the point that I'll cry at situations that haven't even happened yet but I'll still worry about them every single day. I let one thing ruin my day like even if other people think its insignificant it'll ruin the rest of my day and be on my mind for WEEKS.
I'm not a perfect person, there's literally so many things I wish I didn't give a fuck about but I'm slowly learning what matters and what really doesn't.


Something of which I have NOT got. I'll wear clothes that'll make me feel some type of way, like if the clothes I wear portray me as a confident young woman then I'll wear them regularly. Even if inside I don't feel confident wearing it. Like the other day I bought some clothes from missguided - which were, a body suit and a dress and I usually wouldn't wear bodysuits because it's literally the thing I hate most about my body being on show more than it should really but I've worn it a couple times now and my boyfriend has said how I look so good in it and shit like that but I still feel like I'm far too big for it - just my opinion.

When I was younger I never really struggled with not being confident, I was always over confident like for a long period of time I didn't care if nobody loved me cos I goddamn loved me but like I've said in alota posts that's where School changed it for me. I always put this facade on because I want to give the vibe off that I'm confident and I love my body but obviously I don't, I just feel like right now is the perfect time to get this all off my chest.

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I struggle alot more than I let people believe I do, when I first started writing this post my heart started to beat fast like abnormally fast and it's so hard to put posts out that aren't always super fucking positive but I don't want anybody to get bored of me so I'm nervous about that too.

I'm gonna leave it there for now, maybe there'll be an untitled part 2 who knows.

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Thanks for reading.