Sunday, 17 July 2016

What I REALLY mean when I say I'm "tired".

Hey guys! How you all feeling?
Let's get started..

When people ask how I'm feeling and I either say "I'm fine" or "I'm just sleepy" do I really truly mean that I'm fine or just mega sleepy? 

I mean, I don't want to talk about it so I'm looking for a valid excuse, I'm looking for something to say instead of telling you I'm hurting or feeling like absolute poop. I can't tell how you how many times I've just said I'm fine instead of telling someone like even just my boyfriend, I went through a period of ALWAYS continuously having bad days and I didn't want to tell him every single day for months that I feel so bad that I could just cry right now.. He knew I was feeling really bad but he never knew to the extent and I'll probably not tell him to sort of save him from knowing stuff like that...

When I tell people I'm just tired and didn't sleep so good, that doesn't mean what I've literally said. It means that I'm tired of feeling how I do, I'm tired of my brain constantly working overtime, I'm tired of feeling that people are going to leave me and I'll be alone. I'm tired of my life. 
I used to have bad dreams constantly and instead of always thinking about them I'd sketch or draw anything that came into my head but it was always dark stuff, like skulls or broken shattered hearts.. but I loved it, 

I had someone on twitter tell me last night that mental health was ''a state of mind, not the state of your mind'' and I wasn't going to really address it because at first you can't tell if they're being negative or positive about it but  I'd read other things he'd wrote too and it was pretty obvious what he was getting at. Mental health is NOT like a light switch, you cannot just turn it off and on again when you want it. If I could change how I feel would I? Hell to the YES. But if I was changing how I feel to be worse then no, I'd rather feel nothing than go back to wanting myself dead. I went through a really rough part of my life and I'm proud of myself that I conquered it.

 I write about mental health to support and raise awareness for it, it's something I'm passionate about and because I've lived with it for the past few years so I know how I've been feeling and living with this. I know the daily struggle of having to force yourself to take a shower or even just get out of bed. Being controlled by my own thoughts daily is my downfall, yet I'm embracing it now by writing about it. I'm not ashamed because of it and I don't keep it a secret but if you message me or meet me and you think I should keep to myself then you probably shouldn't speak to me. 

I want to help other people that are suffering too, I want to help young people know they aren't alone and they DON'T deserve this. You're special and beautiful, and you're so so so strong. 
I want to help people that are getting bullied and campaign against this, I'm an anti bullying campaigner and a mental health advocate so if you do not believe in what I'm fighting for then please don't follow me on twitter or any social media. 

We hit over 8000 the other night and I know I always write another post dedicated to it, I thought I'd just tell you how grateful I am to be able to do what I love every single day. You make it all so worth it and I hope I've atleast I'd somebody out there. 

O x

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