Sorry for the lack of posting recently, I've been having some really bad days and I didn't really want to post so much negativity on here since this isn't what I'm about but let's get to it - Today.
Today I had an interview and I always feel mega stressed and anxious about these types of things because there's so much pressure put on you to do your best and to not fuck up but shit like that just doesn't go well with me.
I always feel like there's so much pressure on you when you tell people you have an interview for somewhere - you've got to do your best and try as hard as you can so you can accomplish whatever you want too but at the same time you think.. is this really worth it?
Whilst I was waiting for my interview in a room full of other people I panicked, I started to get this nauseous feeling and I started to get a really bad headache and I knew I was having an anxiety attack, I was literally on the verge of crying because I felt like a failure and if I didn't go through with this other than my blog what really have I accomplished? I want for example; my parents to be proud of my accomplishments and be proud of what I do but on the other hand I want to be happy and comfortable whilst I do it...
Whilst I was having my mental breakdown in my head I'd texted my boyfriend and he'd just worked that night so I thought he'd still be asleep but he replied not long after and although I was still desperate to be out of there, I didn't feel so bleurgh. He'd calmed me down to the point that I actually waited and STAYED to have my interview, which still was pretty shitty but I'd done it and I felt good about it.
But I've not felt in such a state of panic and worry that I actually NEEDED to cry in a really long time, and it really scared me actually - when you're ill and feel the worst you've ever felt you always wish to not feel anything and just be completely numb and then when you do actually feel stuff it hits you, It hits you like a punch in the face and it lets its presence be known.
I was by myself when it happened in a room full of strangers and I literally cannot explain to you all how much I wanted the ground to swallow me up whole, and I couldn't leave because then I'd have to get up in front of all these strangers and leave. I felt insecure, I felt so fucking lost.
I always write how you should do things out of your comfort zone but if it's a job, college, anything if it's going to make your mental health deteriorate then please do NOT do it, I always want to better myself and be better for everyone else that I push my feelings and my mental health to the side and always leave it there but you as an individual NEED to focus on issues like anxiety and depression because if you're going to do something that's going to make you feel worse and you don't enjoy doing it. Just stop it all together - I quit my job because it made my mental health worse, I started writing a blog instead and I've been happier than I was working a fulltime job because blogging really is a fulltime job for me.
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