Tuesday, 26 July 2016

ME, MYSELF AND i.

I wish I didn't worry or panic myself into an oblivion. I make it hard for people to talk to me, and then I get mad when they've not told me something. Whenever I feel really sad like when I argue with someone I love more than the world I get this weird sicky feeling in my tummy and it starts off as being one small thing and then gradually it gets bigger and bigger until I can feel it try to escape from my throat but I keep swallowing so it stays there and it sits patiently waiting til something else makes it bigger and eventually it gets it's way..

In my last post I said I'd talk about why I always bring stuff up - here's the reason, it's just genius {sarcasm intended} - I bring stuff up like if someone does something to upset or hurt me I'll bring it up whenever we argue, I don't do it to feel like I've got something over them, I do it because the pain I felt then I still feel now literally like the EXACT same pain. There's been times where I've felt really just broken over someone else's actions or they're the reason I've felt so bad about myself yet I've stayed and it's happened over and over again so the pain just builds and builds - so any time there's an argument I bring it up because it's still as raw as it was when it happened and I guess that kinda makes me a shitty person. 

It's funny though, I write this blog aiming to help as many people as I can, I created two campaigns dedicated to create a new law for this type of stuff yet I can still barely help myself. It sucks because I know how loving and caring I am yet it literally breaks my heart when people the closest that they could possibly be can't even talk to me. I feel like I'm in a never ending cycle of trying my hardest of always trying to impress people and at the end of the day it's always me feeling exhausted emotionally because I, myself SHOULD be good enough yet I never feel like it.

I started writing a diary the other day and I get lost in the art of writing, I could write at least 5 pages and then write more. I think everyone who has anxiety or any mental illness should definitely invest in one because it feels easy and whenever I just want to vent and be with my own thoughts I can do that but it never stays in my head so I can actually be at peace for an hour at least. 

Aaaaaaaand breatheeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

O x

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