Thursday, 14 July 2016

Let it go.

Over these last few days I've had so many crazy thoughts going around in my head and I've felt so unbelievably lost but I'm gonna tell you all a little something..

On Wednesday I literally NEEDED to go out into town and buy a beauty blender and some other things, mainly for the fact I knew I was gonna see my boyfriend soon and I didn't wanna go to his without the thing that makes my make up look bomb!
I'd woken up at half 4 or something ridiculous like that but I'd stayed in bed til around 8 actually deciding whether I'm going to go or not because I've really gotta sike myself up to do something like that.

I didn't have any breakfast because I never eat in the mornings or else I'll get too nervous about something and feel like I'ma throw up but anyway, I showered and got ready and originally I wasn't gonna wear make up because how could I apply it without my beauty blender?! And I panicked, I practically cried because I couldn't wear the one thing that truly makes me feel confident as fxck!
But I had make up brushes so I decided I'd use them and it looked ridiculous, like it didn't apply properly, my face literally looked how I felt - shit. So I'd put these huge glasses on and when I say huge, I mean HUGE. I'd finished getting ready and I was out! Like I actually got half way before thinking "I'm going home, fuck this." but I kept going until I got there and I couldn't of been more afraid.

I'd had a panic attack on the way there too because usually I'd listen to music to get my thoughts outta my head but I was trapped in my head, AGAIN. But I've lost my headphones so I had a walk full of my own shitty comments about the way I look, the way I dressed for that day and I just, I sucked.
But I felt like I'd actually achieved something as soon as I got back home, I'd got back and even took my dog Ronnie for a walk and it felt freeing, I felt so god damn free.

Right now it's 02:24 am and I've been having the same thoughts - that I'm not good enough, that nobody is loyal to me and this time it isn't just me that I'm putting down. I'm feeling shit about the one person that is closest to me right now and that's my boyfriend. He's always there and he loves me more than life itself I know that but I don't know that he won't leave me and that scares me.

I'm so in my own head all the time that I don't get to truly value moments, like in London we'd gotten there but I was so panicky and anxious about it that that's all I did there. I panicked and got so in my own head about it that for the most part I enjoyed it but 50% of that trip was me thinking "do I look good enough?" "Rhys is going to leave me after this" "I don't want to be here anymore."
I've undervalued so many memories just because of my anxiety and depression that I've never let myself just be there in the moment for even 10 minutes, and I'm done with being controlled by this.

I'm done with ALWAYS wanting to be in control, if there's any situations in which is completely out of my control then I'll learn to deal with it as best as I can, {I'm scared as fuck to even write this} I CANNOT be in control of everything and I've learnt that so much recently, you never ever know if someone's going to do you wrong, or you don't know what they're thinking and that's okay.
If someone is making me physically feel sick just at the thought of them doing something bad then I cannot be in any form of contact with that person.

"Be with someone that is good for your mental health."

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  1. Been there. Hope you feel better soon. You look great :)

  2. ThankYOU so much, I really appreciate that X