Saturday, 30 July 2016

THE PHYSiCAL SiDE TO MENTAL iLLNESS.

Okay so although mental health is literally ALL about your mental wellbeing and what not, people always seem to forget about the actual real life physical side affects to having any type of mental illness, so enjoy!

I'm someone that used to go out frequently or even just chill with some mates or something like that but as my anxiety and depression worsened I found that my own company was much better than anybody elses. I hated going out literally I'd cry at just the thought of it and when I'd have to go out with my family or something I'd say I was ill or make some bullshit excuse as to why I can't go.
I hated even leaving my bedroom, let alone my house.
I always wanted to be what I classed as normal because I hated who I was - every single thing about me even the good shit became a flaw. Maybe an insecurity, who knows.

Whenever I'm put into a situation that's scary for me I get into this weird kinda daze and won't speak or anything until it's finally over and done with,but if there's situations where it's kinda vital that I talk then I'll put this facade on and once you actually realise I'm a cool person, we'll get on fine.. kinda.
It's hard to be with someone or have friends that prefer going out rather than staying in because if you haven't already guessed, I LOVE staying in. Whether it's just to watch movies or anything, going out just isn't my jam. I mean, I'll do it but it still sucks for me.

I get panicky, and it's not the panic like ''where are my keys, ima be late?!!!!!!!!'' kinda panic, it's the kinda panic that builds up quicker than you could say hi and it builds up so much that it physically needs to explode which then I cry and cry, and my heartbeat is faster than Usain Bolt. I don't just get panicky being in social situations, when I talk to my boyfriend I'll say something that I've been thinking for a while and if I'm super excited about the thought of it and he doesn't seem at that level I'll panic and be like...
And then I'll start to overthink and because I rely on facial expressions and my 'vibes' I'll get it into my head that he's leaving me and it'll scare me. Like I'm not talking about the normal fear of losing your partner but the fear that literally makes you feel like your heart's in your tummy and you get this really weird nervous belly.

There's been this one facial expression though and I've only seen it once in a recent argument actually, but the way he looked at me it, it just hurt.


If I'm getting ready for a situation that I'm unfamiliar with I'll bite my nails, I've said I do this in a recent post but it's still a physical side affect so I might as well add it on here too. I pick the skin around my nail too and it just really hurts but it gets my mind off what's about to happen. Whenever I get anxious even mildly my skin will get these little bumps just underneath my eyes on both sides of my face and they aren't spots - it's just little red bumps that hurt like a bitchhhhhh.

Aaaaaand finally! I cry, like when I can't even explain it to people. I'll just cry because my emotions get the better of me and before I even start to cry or anything I won't be able to talk, my voice just disappears literally. I'll panic myself into an oblivion then won't be able to talk about it so I write or I cry either make perfect sense to me.

ThankYOU so much for reading! And keep being you, cos you're great.

O x







Tuesday, 26 July 2016

WAYS TO FEEL BETTER!

First of all you guys, I'd just like to say thankYOU for getting this blog over 9000 views!!! This is literally my biggest achievement and I'm so grateful to be able to share it with all of you.

As most of you can guess by now I'm kinda used to being unhappy about myself and my surroundings, but I've learnt some things on this little journey I've been blessed to be on so I thought I'd share it with you!

So firstly, living with an eating disorder and going into recovery is one of the most challenging times you'll have on this process, letting yourself put weight on a little at a time and making your body recover from not eating for so long it's tricky. - at first and well I still don't like this process but when you first start to put weight on, instead of all the clothes you wore whilst you were ill you can no longer wear so you're either stuck between always wearing trackies or having to make yourself feel bad by wearing your old clothes. My TIP or solution for this is that instead of wanting to loose weight again or feeling insecure and self conscious put the clothes that don't fit and make you feel bad about yourself in the bin. Literally, just bin them.

Secondly, instead of always thinking this journey is going to be sunshine and rainbows ad just because you've had 1 good day so far you think it's always going to be like and that you're better. STOP!  That is NOT how this journey is going to go, I know this because I've felt like this so many times, especially when I've ended up relapsing. My TIP or solution for you is that it's okay to not be okay. If you have a bad day you don't need to force yourself to get out of bed or even go out, literally just get a hot drink or your favourite drink {NON ALCOHOLIC} because alcohol just makes your bad days worse and more continuous - put a movie on, or draw something, create a plan of something so say you're gonna set a date to go out on so you have something to look forward too ahead of time.
Never put yourself down because you see more bad days than good, so what? You've come this far in your journey and that tells me that you're a fighter - so please continue to keep fighting.

And finally, don't underestimate your achievements like if you've finally too that leap of going out for a walk or even going to the shop then baby, that's fucking amazing!! Sometimes the little things matter more than the big things, finally being able to take your dog for a walk without feeling like the world is about to collapse around you is such a freeing feeling and whenever you get the chance even if you don't have a dog - go for a walk and experience that feeling.

"You don't get sunshine without a little rain, but plants need both to grow"

O x

ME, MYSELF AND i.

I wish I didn't worry or panic myself into an oblivion. I make it hard for people to talk to me, and then I get mad when they've not told me something. Whenever I feel really sad like when I argue with someone I love more than the world I get this weird sicky feeling in my tummy and it starts off as being one small thing and then gradually it gets bigger and bigger until I can feel it try to escape from my throat but I keep swallowing so it stays there and it sits patiently waiting til something else makes it bigger and eventually it gets it's way..

In my last post I said I'd talk about why I always bring stuff up - here's the reason, it's just genius {sarcasm intended} - I bring stuff up like if someone does something to upset or hurt me I'll bring it up whenever we argue, I don't do it to feel like I've got something over them, I do it because the pain I felt then I still feel now literally like the EXACT same pain. There's been times where I've felt really just broken over someone else's actions or they're the reason I've felt so bad about myself yet I've stayed and it's happened over and over again so the pain just builds and builds - so any time there's an argument I bring it up because it's still as raw as it was when it happened and I guess that kinda makes me a shitty person. 

It's funny though, I write this blog aiming to help as many people as I can, I created two campaigns dedicated to create a new law for this type of stuff yet I can still barely help myself. It sucks because I know how loving and caring I am yet it literally breaks my heart when people the closest that they could possibly be can't even talk to me. I feel like I'm in a never ending cycle of trying my hardest of always trying to impress people and at the end of the day it's always me feeling exhausted emotionally because I, myself SHOULD be good enough yet I never feel like it.

I started writing a diary the other day and I get lost in the art of writing, I could write at least 5 pages and then write more. I think everyone who has anxiety or any mental illness should definitely invest in one because it feels easy and whenever I just want to vent and be with my own thoughts I can do that but it never stays in my head so I can actually be at peace for an hour at least. 

Aaaaaaaand breatheeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

O x

WORST HABiTS WiTH ANXiETY!

Hey guys hope you're all okay and living well!

I figured I'd write a post about the bad habits I've developed since having anxiety and an eating disorder because I know so many people can relate and I think it's something barely anybody talks about so here goes... enjoy :)

MY BAD HABiTS!

I bite my nails, til they bleed and hurt but I won't even realise how bad it is til I get outta my daze. There was a point one time when I didn't bite my nails for so long and they actually grew to be so long, but then I had to get back to reality and well I've stuck to just getting acrylics instead now.. Whenever I feel sad or when I'm just feeling low or whatever I'll pick my face like I've got scaring from just either scratching my face but doing over and over and over again.

This is something that is just me I guess haha, I ALWAYS overreact, like if someone goes out of their way to hide something from me and I find out myself or I'll actually ask them and it'll slip out or something I'll stop being able to speak and just start to cry because if the people closest to me aren't going to be 100% then why should they be in my life? I mean, I'm loyal to those who are loyal to me and if they aren't loyal to me then I'll disregard them kinda people and I don't need that. 
I always bring stuff up too, I guess I'll write my next post on that in abit more detail.

Okay so this one is specifically for when I go to eat or something so it's definitely my worst habit with having an eating disorder - I could be really hungry like if I've not eaten anything that day I'll eat at least 1/4th of it because I'm still conscious about what I eat or I'll have these weird ideas of trying to lose weight then give up on that idea because I feel I'm stronger than that so it's basically a constant battle of me trying to eat more every day.

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Okay so this post is kinda short because I'm gonna write another long one too later so please keep an eye out for that!

contact meeeee - 
twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
email - livnizzzle@gmail.com

O x

Saturday, 23 July 2016

LiFE LESSONS WiTH LiV!

So as you can all tell today's post is going to be about how to cope with stuff and just general life lessons - this is just my opinion so don't get too serious about it! Enjoy :}

I'm gonna talk about a few different topics so yeah;

Relationships!

If there's no communication it isn't gonna work, that's just a fact. You both need to put each others feelings into consideration because when you're with someone you can't just always be thinking about you, it's a partnership and plus if you're dating your best friend why the fxck would you want to ever hurt your best friend? 
I never wanted to be with someone because being ill I didn't speak to people about my feelings and I knew that if I did ever get into a relationship I'd have to really open up, and I'll be honest at the start of my relationship I struggled massively. I'd put this facade on that I love social shit and I was open about everything but after a couple months he realised that I was just tryna impress the fuck outta him so he didn't leave me and that's when I thought I'd be honest and I told him EVERYTHING. 

Everything meaning I told him about my eating disorder, about my anxiety and about my feelings and since then he did his absolute best to protect me from stuff. Like the day before my birthday last year he'd taken me out but before we'd gone out he'd asked me about a billion and two times if I'm okay and he kept just really reassuring me.. Communication is really important in a relationship because if the other person doesn't get why you're upset over something they've done how can they fix it? Rhys and I had so many arguments over the pettiest of stuff because we weren't that great on communicating with each other, but we helped one another along the way and we've been together for what feels like a decade already. 

Honesty and trust is KEY because if you don't trust your partner why are you with them? Why are you putting yourself through the pain of overthinking and being unhappy when you could end it and eventually move on and be genuinely happy? ALWAYS no matter how hard it is you've always gotta be honest, if your partner has asked you a question that they most likely already know the answer to just don't lie about it. Talk about it with them and that's where communication comes back in. 
And NEVER EVER EVER sleep on an argument - you know it's fully officially over when that shit happens, keep fighting for the one you love. Love always wins.


Bullying!

If you know that someone's being bullied always tell somebody, tell your parents or tell teachers or even report that shit! Never be afraid to tell somebody, I know first hand of how getting bullied feels like and it hurts because you want to speak up but your voice has left you and it's scary. 
I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself because I couldn't stand up for myself, I always believed that I'd never lose the power of myself and I lost it as quick as you could drop a penny on the floor.
What I never realised then was that it isn't embarrassing to say you're being bullied, it happens far too much in Schools now.   
Everybody's too worried about what other people will think and judge of them so that's why they keep quiet, they think it'll just go away when really it gets worse and worse. 

I've spoken to so many people about bullying and it's heartbreaking to know that people have actually thought of ending their own life because of other people. Nobody should EVER have that much power over you that you want to end your life because they've said things that aren't true and definitely aren't needed. It's bad because bullying used to mainly just be in Schools or somewhere face to face but the place where you're supposed to feel safe and secure - your own home it'll happen online when you're just scrolling through Facebook or on social media in general. 

I personally believe that social media has played a HUGE part in how bullies function now, you could be in the same room with somebody and not even be on your phone yet they could be writing posts about you. It's RIDICULOUS! How are you supposed to feel safe and secure anywhere if it's following you everywhere - it's all on your phone, your computer, at School. How the hell are you supposed to escape and ignore the bullshit? 

ALWAYS speak up if you or you know someone that's being bullied. Never lower yourself to be a bully.

Anxiety!

Anxiety. How do I describe this? Have you ever been to one of them arcades which have the funky mirrors all around you? That is anxiety. 
Anxiety is something that never leaves you alone and when it does for a while you feel weird without that nagging little voice in your head telling you you aren't good enough.
I was going to actually title this little section to be mental health but that just generalize's it and anxiety deserves its own topic.

Anxiety isn't just occasionally feeling nervous about something, and it isn't something you can just ignore or get over. From the moment you wake up til the moment your head hits that pillow and you fall asleep you're constantly fighting this battle within yourself, and the only way you can express that battle is by getting angry or crying. I push so many people away and most of the people I pushed away were people that weren't any good anyway but that's not the point. 

Anxiety is like a race, you see the finish line but every time you think you're getting close to it it moves further and further away. It breaks you down til there's barely anything left of who you used to be. It ruins so many opportunities for me, my days may start off good but then end bad or the opposite way round. 
Anxiety isn't a state of mind and I can't just turn it off, it's with me 24/7 - I have these thoughts going round and round in my head til I literally need to nap so it'll stop for a few hours. 

If you suffer with anxiety don't be ashamed to ask for help, know that it's a fucking courageous thing to do. Don't be embarrassed to go see your doctor or even go on antidepressants, everybody needs some type of support and the one thing I'd tell you all not to do is face it alone. It makes each day harder and more unbearable. 

Anorexia!

I lived with this eating disorder for longer than I'd like to admit, in this post I'm literally going to be brutally honest about this topic as well - 

It ruined my childhood, getting bullied, getting anxiety and then getting anorexia on top of all this was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with because I didn't know how to deal with it. I used to  love sports like golf and swimming and even football but as I got into high school here's where the story changes.. 
I know not everybody is going to like you and I'm fine with that but when I was constantly getting told I'm fat and I'm not good enough that's when I decided I was going to starve myself, I barely drank anything and when it got really bad I didn't drink anything and I ate as little as I possibly could. 

I lost my confidence, my self esteem and I became a hermit, I'd hate going anywhere and I'd hate having any pictures taken of me mainly for the fact that I knew I wasn't looking my best yet the people around me were constantly saying how beautiful I was. When your body feels like it's shutting down then how the hell can you still see yourself as beautiful? I'd wear baggy clothes and I'd always have my hair up because I lost my will to give a shit. I didn't care about anything, I didn't care about me or how I was ruining my body. 
I wanted to not exist and by starving myself I knew slowly that'd happen.

I couldn't look in a mirror, I didn't want too because I knew how bad I looked. I was starting puberty when I first developed this eating disorder and I'd already had periods for a while now but because my body wasn't able to function anymore they stopped, and that's when I knew I was really in the shit. Like I'd had thoughts months before any of this happened that I was gonna stop eating and everybody would forget I existed and it'd be all good but the journey between thoughts of not eating and actually not eating seemed so far apart but it happened so quickly. 

It's been a while since I got better but after having an eating disorder your mind doesn't recover or go back to how it was before, you still have these negative thoughts about yourself and your body but it just isn't at the same level as it was when I was really ill. I'm still on the journey of recovery and finding myself because I still get so freaking down about my body and it's hard to decide whether I want to go through all that bullshit again or just learn to finally love who I am. 

Everybody can get an eating disorder, it doesn't discriminate whether you're black, white, asian, whatever your race, whatever the colour of your skin, it doesn't matter who you are - men and women can get eating disorders so please if you're reading this know that you AREN'T alone and get help. 

You deserve the world. 

O x

Thursday, 21 July 2016

NEVER GiVE UP.

Suicide isn't something I've really spoken about in detail, but I figured it might help people if I wrote a post completely and utterly dedicated about it, so here goes...

Suicide isn't something to joke or make a meme of it because it's genuine real life. You may think words over the internet have no effect on people's lives but words hurt just as much as physical pain can.
I've always kept quiet about stuff relating to this topic because it's raw and personal for me. I always wanted to not exist, I didn't want to die but I just fought so hard to try and not exist.. but how do I explain that to the people closest to me?

I had anorexia and I hid it for so long because I knew people would be ashamed of it or something like that, and the thing is I didn't want my family to find me dead one morning mainly for the fact I knew they'd blame themselves but I never wanted to die like literally forever die. Me starving myself WAS my way of slowly killing myself, it ruined me inside and outside.
I'd rather admit I had no problem rather than telling people I had this problem, I usually do hate talking about this but I figured I've wrote posts that are just as bad so why not.

When I have my really bad days I still want to not exist, there's no particular reason for it I just don't want to be here. It's weird because I wouldn't write anything like that because it isn't going to help anybody that reads this but I still want to help you realise that even though I've got over the worse of it I still fight a daily battle within myself yet I'm on top.
I had a bit of a bad day today but that's okay because I put my fingers on my wrist and felt my pulse, I'm alive still but I believe I'm here for a purpose and it's me being able to feel my heartbeat that's keeping me here still.

NEVER EVER GiVE UP.

O x

DEAR MY FAMILY...

Hey guys, I never write shit like this to my siblings but because I'm occasionally a sarcastic dickhead I thought I'd write something for them so I hope you all enjoy )

~ Ben ~

I'm writing to you first because there's things I've not wrote or told you about..
I'm glad you're happy, like even Rhys thinks it's so good. One time when Rhys was at ours and he saw you just before you were leaving to get the train to see Messaline you were so happy, literally you looked like a chipmunk you were smiling that much.
I know I've acted like I don't care that you're moving out or whatever but as much as I'm gonna miss you picking on me I'm glad you've found someone that makes you feel the way you do when you eat brownies.

Just because I've wrote that you were my best friend when we always played golf that doesn't mean you aren't anymore. You're someone I look up to because you're everything I wanted to be. You're successful and you're happy and you're strong.
I know it was difficult for you when I wasn't eating and I promise you I try to eat loads every day but you saw how bloated my belly got, and when it looks like that I get paranoid and panicky. I don't allow you to understand sometimes because I don't want to let you down but anyway, stay happy.

~ Jade ~

Do I really need to write how proud of you I am? You annoy and piss me off so much but the thing is you mean well. Like when you sent my blog link to loadsa people and I hadn't known but it literally got so far and I can thank you for that.
You've been through hell an back yet you're still the most caring, selfless person I know.
Me and you in particular have been through some shit that I never imagined we'd have to go through and when I was ill you'd come to so many appointments so I didn't feel alone and you truly supported me throughout it all.

There's one thing I've always admired about you and that's when things aren't going right for you and I'm having a really bad day you'll push your shit to the side and try and make me feel better. I don't talk openly to you or anyone really because I struggle with shit like that, I always have.
But just remember YOU always have a purpose in life.

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Anyway,

contact meeeee -

twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
email - livnizzzle@gmail.com

O x


Monday, 18 July 2016

~ Social anxiety ~

Hey guys, hope you're all having an amazing day/night wherever you may be!

There's many situational types of anxiety that you can get but today's post is going to be about social anxiety so I hope you enjoy and if you did please share with your friends!

Social anxiety to me is like that one friend that always says 'are you REALLY going to wear that?' or 'I don't think you shoulda said that..' it's the part of your mind that whenever you're out it pops up and rears its ugly head.

No matter where you go, no matter how many people will be there, it will strike and make you feel so insecure about yourself that you'd rather the ground swallow you whole than think everybody's staring at you. Anxiety itself makes you feel so paranoid and no matter how good you look you still feel people are thinking "what the fxck?"

Over these last few months I've forced myself into social situations purely for the fact that II don't want to feel like that person that holds the person you're in a relationship back, I want him to just be proud of me so that's why I'll go do things that I wouldn't usually want to do but I do and it isn't even that bad.
I've met so many lovely new people and I'm grateful I got that chance too. I get scared, I get panicked and I feel like I want to cry but these are natural human emotions and I think for me personally social anxiety has taught me to not worry if I can't go out and go to parties or meet new people because what really matters is that I feel good. I've realised that you could stay in and order pizza and just watch netflix and feel the same amount of happiness as if you were about to go to some party,

I always struggled admitting I can't do what 'normal' people can but since I spoke up and spoke about my feelings it feels like things are alot easier now than having to hide and be secretive about my feelings. It's easier now to admit I'm scared about certain situations rather than to keep it in til I go to the bathroom and just breakdown.

Social anxiety is something that sits on my shoulder whenever I'm getting ready to go out or even if I'm already out. I'll look in the mirror and see that I look good but then it'll pop up and make me feel weak and useless. One thing you HAVE to remember is that, right now you may be going through the worst of your anxiety but one you start to feel in control it'll get easier, The vices will still be there but you'll have the courage to say 'Thanks for your input and advice but I look great and I'm not going to let you ruin it for me'

YOU are powerful
YOU are strong
You are brave

~ contact meeee ~
twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
email - livnizzzle@gmail.com

Ox

Sunday, 17 July 2016

What I REALLY mean when I say I'm "tired".

Hey guys! How you all feeling?
Let's get started..


When people ask how I'm feeling and I either say "I'm fine" or "I'm just sleepy" do I really truly mean that I'm fine or just mega sleepy? 

I mean, I don't want to talk about it so I'm looking for a valid excuse, I'm looking for something to say instead of telling you I'm hurting or feeling like absolute poop. I can't tell how you how many times I've just said I'm fine instead of telling someone like even just my boyfriend, I went through a period of ALWAYS continuously having bad days and I didn't want to tell him every single day for months that I feel so bad that I could just cry right now.. He knew I was feeling really bad but he never knew to the extent and I'll probably not tell him to sort of save him from knowing stuff like that...

When I tell people I'm just tired and didn't sleep so good, that doesn't mean what I've literally said. It means that I'm tired of feeling how I do, I'm tired of my brain constantly working overtime, I'm tired of feeling that people are going to leave me and I'll be alone. I'm tired of my life. 
I used to have bad dreams constantly and instead of always thinking about them I'd sketch or draw anything that came into my head but it was always dark stuff, like skulls or broken shattered hearts.. but I loved it, 

I had someone on twitter tell me last night that mental health was ''a state of mind, not the state of your mind'' and I wasn't going to really address it because at first you can't tell if they're being negative or positive about it but  I'd read other things he'd wrote too and it was pretty obvious what he was getting at. Mental health is NOT like a light switch, you cannot just turn it off and on again when you want it. If I could change how I feel would I? Hell to the YES. But if I was changing how I feel to be worse then no, I'd rather feel nothing than go back to wanting myself dead. I went through a really rough part of my life and I'm proud of myself that I conquered it.

 I write about mental health to support and raise awareness for it, it's something I'm passionate about and because I've lived with it for the past few years so I know how I've been feeling and living with this. I know the daily struggle of having to force yourself to take a shower or even just get out of bed. Being controlled by my own thoughts daily is my downfall, yet I'm embracing it now by writing about it. I'm not ashamed because of it and I don't keep it a secret but if you message me or meet me and you think I should keep to myself then you probably shouldn't speak to me. 

I want to help other people that are suffering too, I want to help young people know they aren't alone and they DON'T deserve this. You're special and beautiful, and you're so so so strong. 
I want to help people that are getting bullied and campaign against this, I'm an anti bullying campaigner and a mental health advocate so if you do not believe in what I'm fighting for then please don't follow me on twitter or any social media. 

We hit over 8000 the other night and I know I always write another post dedicated to it, I thought I'd just tell you how grateful I am to be able to do what I love every single day. You make it all so worth it and I hope I've atleast I'd somebody out there. 
thankYOU!

O x

Friday, 15 July 2016

What's best for me.

First of all, I'd just like to thank you all for making my last post so popular, it was honest, raw and kinda emotional for me to even write to you all. And I'd also like to thank every single one of you that reads this blog because you give me the strength and courage to write about shitty days like that. So, thankYOU.


Antidepressants - AND why I stopped taking them.

Okay so I got prescribed antidepressants and I think I stayed on them for like 2-3 months, BUT I came off them for a particular reason so here goes - I've always had a problem with my eating and I really want to stay a certain size and shape so when I was taking medication for my anxiety I was always so bloated, I felt like my moods were worse than when I wasn't taking them. 
I felt paranoid and I just overall hated them. For someone that has bad issues with eating and that had anorexia it was hard to see my body change like that, because if it wasn't my anxiety that was bothering me, it'd be my body that was and my mood didn't change.

So what I'd done one day after I kept taking them every single day, I went cold turkey and made myself not take them again. I flushed them down the toilet and focused on getting myself the way I want to see myself. It's funny though because my mood was always so low it made my relationship difficult too, I wouldn't tell him what was wrong EVER but I obviously told him I was on these pills but still.. After I'd stopped taking them and after my bloatedness went down, I genuinely felt so much better. I felt in charge of everything. 

When I was in year 8/9 I developed really bad insomnia and I'd stay up ALL night and pretty much all day playing COD: Zombies {still a crazy good game} but that wasn't healthy and my mum actually took me to the doctors and I'd got put on diazepam - super strong sleeping pills, but the funny thing is it didn't make me sleep because I got a bad reaction from it and it made me full of energy like I'd had 4 fizzy drinks, I was basically like a little kid that had way too many sweets and I still couldn't sleep!

I wouldn't recommend ever going cold turkey on any antidepressant, mainly for the fact that one good day doesn't mean it's always going to be like that and you've got to understand that you're going to get way more bad days whilst your body gets off the medication. I only did it because I knew that I'd do something stupid if I was still on them, I didn't want to be here during that period and I have so many people that care and truly give a shit about my wellbeing and I didn't want to let anybody down and that's probably why I never went through with it. 

Always stay safe with shit like this.

O x

Thursday, 14 July 2016

Let it go.

Over these last few days I've had so many crazy thoughts going around in my head and I've felt so unbelievably lost but I'm gonna tell you all a little something..

On Wednesday I literally NEEDED to go out into town and buy a beauty blender and some other things, mainly for the fact I knew I was gonna see my boyfriend soon and I didn't wanna go to his without the thing that makes my make up look bomb!
I'd woken up at half 4 or something ridiculous like that but I'd stayed in bed til around 8 actually deciding whether I'm going to go or not because I've really gotta sike myself up to do something like that.

I didn't have any breakfast because I never eat in the mornings or else I'll get too nervous about something and feel like I'ma throw up but anyway, I showered and got ready and originally I wasn't gonna wear make up because how could I apply it without my beauty blender?! And I panicked, I practically cried because I couldn't wear the one thing that truly makes me feel confident as fxck!
But I had make up brushes so I decided I'd use them and it looked ridiculous, like it didn't apply properly, my face literally looked how I felt - shit. So I'd put these huge glasses on and when I say huge, I mean HUGE. I'd finished getting ready and I was out! Like I actually got half way before thinking "I'm going home, fuck this." but I kept going until I got there and I couldn't of been more afraid.

I'd had a panic attack on the way there too because usually I'd listen to music to get my thoughts outta my head but I was trapped in my head, AGAIN. But I've lost my headphones so I had a walk full of my own shitty comments about the way I look, the way I dressed for that day and I just, I sucked.
But I felt like I'd actually achieved something as soon as I got back home, I'd got back and even took my dog Ronnie for a walk and it felt freeing, I felt so god damn free.

Right now it's 02:24 am and I've been having the same thoughts - that I'm not good enough, that nobody is loyal to me and this time it isn't just me that I'm putting down. I'm feeling shit about the one person that is closest to me right now and that's my boyfriend. He's always there and he loves me more than life itself I know that but I don't know that he won't leave me and that scares me.

I'm so in my own head all the time that I don't get to truly value moments, like in London we'd gotten there but I was so panicky and anxious about it that that's all I did there. I panicked and got so in my own head about it that for the most part I enjoyed it but 50% of that trip was me thinking "do I look good enough?" "Rhys is going to leave me after this" "I don't want to be here anymore."
I've undervalued so many memories just because of my anxiety and depression that I've never let myself just be there in the moment for even 10 minutes, and I'm done with being controlled by this.

I'm done with ALWAYS wanting to be in control, if there's any situations in which is completely out of my control then I'll learn to deal with it as best as I can, {I'm scared as fuck to even write this} I CANNOT be in control of everything and I've learnt that so much recently, you never ever know if someone's going to do you wrong, or you don't know what they're thinking and that's okay.
If someone is making me physically feel sick just at the thought of them doing something bad then I cannot be in any form of contact with that person.

"Be with someone that is good for your mental health."

contact me! - 
twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
email - livnizzzle@gmail.com 

Ox

Let's change the world.

Hey guys and girls.
How y'all doing?

I've decided to start two campaigns off - https://www.change.org/p/nick-gibb-mp-prosecution-for-people-that-try-to-cover-up-bullying-in-schools-stopbullying AND https://you.38degrees.org.uk/petitions/prosecution-for-people-that-cover-up-bullying-in-schools

Why have I done this?

Because the School I went to and got bullied is trying to push bullying under the rug there. It's trying to keep bullying quiet so it always gets good reviews from ofsted. Which is so wrong on SO many levels, and I feel like for every teacher that keeps this thing quiet is another young person that's suffering in silence because the people you should be able to trust i.e -  teachers, older people at school, headmasters, etc are protecting the School instead of protecting the students.

Young people that have gotten bullied have self harmed, they've developed eating disorders or they've killed themselves because of BULLYING and Schools want to keep this quiet?! It's an outrage. You go to School to learn NOT to feel alone and scared because nobody's listening to you. 

WE need to stand up and take action before more young people have to suffer. 
Please please sign both my campaigns and spread awareness.

Get the message out there readers!!

Inquiries -
Twitter  - LiVNiZZZLE
email - livnizzzle@gmail.com

ThankYOU!
O.x

Tuesday, 12 July 2016

Please read this.

Young people suffering with mental health problems

I've always said to people to do something that will inspire others, to create a legacy so that you wouldn't just be another statistic. In the UK in 2014, 6,122 suicides were actually registered. 6 thousand plus people lost their lives over something that people will just throw under the rug so it doesn't get talked about.

For example; when people get murdered by serial killers who gets remembered the most? The serial killer or the victims? The Krays were notorious British gangsters in the 60s and they are still widely remembered by every generation, young and old. They still get recognition in 2016, but what I'm wondering is.. what about the victims? What about the people that lost their lives because they were so caught up in that lifestyle?

And this is what I'm getting at, people commit suicide every single day and it's only when someone makes a stand that something actually happens. It''s usually the victims family that brings this to the media and tries to bring so much awareness to this to make people understand. People who have the courage and strength to finally give up on life because let's be real here it takes so so much strength t have to decide that, and it's really courageous. I've always said I couldn't do it and I never want people to do it at all but I feel like when someone gets pushed to their limits so much and they finally decide they're done, it takes time to think of that and it must be so hard.

I want to raise more awareness for subjects like Anorexia, Bulimia, Anxiety, Depression - etc because I grew up going into high school and leaving high school with severe anxiety and if you haven't read my whole 'story' on this, I developed an eating disorder throughout high school so I wasn't really there anyway. But what I'm trying to get at is me being that 12 year old little girl I had no idea what the hell anxiety or anorexia was. All I knew was that I wanted people to like me, and I'd happily change myself so I could 'fit in' and young people feeling like they NEED to physically starve themselves into an abyss is just mind blowing to me.
The thought of bringing up a child in this society where you get judged on the colour of your skin rather than how BIG your heart is, or if you look a certain way that people think is 'weird' just because it's different to what to mainstream media show - I don't want to raise a baby giving this little piece of life confidence and raising his or her self esteem just for them to grow up and listen to what other people think.. one thing's for sure though, I could NOT ever allow my children to grow up and bully people, just because they think it's funny or cool.

Bullying has a MASSIVE impact on your mental health obviously so do many other factors but I'm talking about the ones close to my heart right now - when you grow up and your mama tells you you can be ANYTHING literally anything you want to be, your parents and your siblings create this mindset or outlook however you wanna say it, I've got 2 older siblings Ben and Jade and I grew up idolizing them literally but in different ways completely. My brother is confident and he's honest - he'll tell you the truth about stuff and at times that's so so needed. And my sister well Jade kinda tries to wrap me up in bubblewrap so the dangers of the world can't hurt me haha. I idolized her because she LOVES make up and she's so creative in that sense so when she'd got herself on a make up course without backing out of it I realised that I could do anything if I kept my mind on the right track.

So when I got bullied and I lost all my confidence and I'd lost my voice, I believed I was unworthy and I didn't deserve these people around me so I pushed everyone away and I stopped drawing and I stopped really giving a shit about what I looked like. Also {a main part of this is that i LOVED make up too!} I always wore make up, it made me feel confident and that I could conquer the world and when I'd lost the motivation to even put make up on, I stopped giving a shit about everything else that followed - I didn't give a shit about brushing my hair because I wasn't gonna go anywhere but stay in bed all day like usual so what was the point? I wouldn't wear proper clothes and I'd stay in a hoodie and trackie bottoms because I didn't give a shit what people thought because I didn't give a shit about ME.

Now, that part of my life is OVER because I decided I deserved more than this but there's so many young people out there that are still struggling without any help or advice and I really truly believe that NEEDS to change. Nobody should be alone in their struggle, and this is why I'm trying so hard to spread awareness for mental health and everything surrounding it, NOBODY deserves to feel trapped and alone inside their minds so please help me campaign against this and spread more attention to this!!

#endthestigma

Love you!

Inquiries -
twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
email - livnizzzle@gmail.com

O x






Saturday, 9 July 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 50.

I noticed that my last post hasn't had as many views as all my others and it just bums me out that some days are just better to post for you all, my brain is always working overtime trying to think of really good ideas and I dunno, it doesn't matter..

I don't write about stuff I don't believe in, like I'm not going to support something that my heart doesn't believe in. The amount of people I've had to unfollow on twitter purely because they were trying to glamorize mental health - it is NOT something to glamorize.

Mental health is ugly, it damages you as a person like let's be real - eating disorders - anorexia, bulimia, body dysmorphia - I had anorexia, but when I got better, as I've always said with any disorder you'll have good days and BAD and when I had bad days after I got better I'd make myself sick - I'm not going to beat around the bush, I was feeling ill again and if I hadn't of started writing this blog I wouldn't be here right now. My anxiety was worse than ever, I was constantly paranoid and I'd push people away and I hated my body. Literally, I HATED it.

I'm writing this now to show people you aren't alone, when you feel lost and trapped please understand that the voices telling you 'you're ugly' 'you can't do this' 'you're a failure' will soon die down. Create a little box in your mind and put all the negative thoughts in it and lock it, it'll open itself now and again but then you've got to realise you've fought this bullshit before and it'll only make you stronger and whilst you get stronger - the voices get weaker. And weaker, and eventually they'll die down, until something may trigger it but remember YOU are so much more than this.

Now finally, a subject that is really close to my heart - bullying.

Bullying is way more of a recent thing nowadays, but one thing I have noticed is that children as young as 7 probably younger are getting bullied. The thing is, when you bully someone you just think of the now because it's funny to you - there's way bigger consequences to bullying someone, you can affect them physically and mentally by just saying cruel unnecessary words to them. I always got old 'if you haven't got anything nice to say about someone, don't say anything' and I feel like that needs to be drilled into people's heads, whether you're young or old - if you've been taught to be cruel or just a dick then you can easily be taught to be nice and compassionate to someone.
You NEVER know what someone's going through - just don't be a dick.

Inquiries -
twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
email - livnizzzle@gmail.com

O x


Thursday, 7 July 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 49.

Good evening you beautiful people, hope you've all had a good day!
We're nearing the end of the 'New chapter' so if there's anything in particular you'd like me to write about or do then just tweet me, or comment on this post or even email me! Or how about this, you guys send me questions on either twitter, instagram or email and I could do a little chapter on that?
It's entirely upto YOU!

Okay so if you wear make up or always have the biggest smile on, does that mean you're actually okay?

I didn't get taken seriously because I wear make up and I look perfectly fine, I know people say when you have anxiety or depression or even an eating disorder you start to not give a shit what you look like, and I personally feel like that's partly true. But, I only stopped wearing make up or doing my hair when I was really seriously ill mainly for the fact I had no energy whatsoever to do anything like that.


Things I'd love to tell people that have never suffered with mental illness or anything like this is  - 

Is that mental illness is NOT like a broken bone or wound, you can't see blood physically coming out of you or nobody can tell how much pain you're in because so much pain. Mental illness isn't noticeable unless you already fully know the symptoms. Never compare your bad day to my bad couple of weeks, anxiety and feeling anxious about something are two completely different things.
Once you get anxious about something, you'll go through with it and then get over it.

My anxiety has pushed people away, it's made me miss opportunities, it ruined alot of things for me, I couldn't accept it so I pushed it to the back of my head til it was ruining me as a person. I had to try and fix myself, there's alot of things I hated to admit about myself. I can't just feel better like that, it's frustrating becuase you automatically want to have atleast ONE good day and then when you do you think it'll last a while but it takes the littlest thing to change your mood, it could be changed instantly.



Inquiries -
twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
email - livnizzzle@gmail.com

O x


Tuesday, 5 July 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 48.

Sorry for the lack of posting recently, I've been having some really bad days and I didn't really want to post so much negativity on here since this isn't what I'm about but let's get to it - Today.

Today I had an interview and I always feel mega stressed and anxious about these types of things because there's so much pressure put on you to do your best and to not fuck up but shit like that just doesn't go well with me.
I always feel like there's so much pressure on you when you tell people you have an interview for somewhere - you've got to do your best and try as hard as you can so you can accomplish whatever you want too but at the same time you think.. is this really worth it?

Whilst I was waiting for my interview in a room full of other people I panicked, I started to get this nauseous feeling and I started to get a really bad headache and I knew I was having an anxiety attack, I was literally on the verge of crying because I felt like a failure and if I didn't go through with this other than my blog what really have I accomplished? I want for example; my parents to be proud of my accomplishments and be proud of what I do but on the other hand I want to be happy and comfortable whilst I do it...

Whilst I was having my mental breakdown in my head I'd texted my boyfriend and he'd just worked that night so I thought he'd still be asleep but he replied not long after and although I was still desperate to be out of there, I didn't feel so bleurgh. He'd calmed me down to the point that I actually waited and STAYED to have my interview, which still was pretty shitty but I'd done it and I felt good about it.
But I've not felt in such a state of panic and worry that I actually NEEDED to cry in a really long time, and it really scared me actually - when you're ill and feel the worst you've ever felt you always wish to not feel anything and just be completely numb and then when you do actually feel stuff it hits you, It hits you like a punch in the face and it lets its presence be known.

I was by myself when it happened in a room full of strangers and I literally cannot explain to you all how much I wanted the ground to swallow me up whole, and I couldn't leave because then I'd have to get up in front of all these strangers and leave. I felt insecure, I felt so fucking lost.

I always write how you should do things out of your comfort zone but if it's a job, college, anything if it's going to make your mental health deteriorate then please do NOT do it, I always want to better myself and be better for everyone else that I push my feelings and my mental health to the side and always leave it there but you as an individual NEED to focus on issues like anxiety and depression because if you're going to do something that's going to make you feel worse and you don't enjoy doing it. Just stop it all together - I quit my job because it made my mental health worse, I started writing a blog instead and I've been happier than I was working a fulltime job because blogging really is a fulltime job for me.

Enquiries -
twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
email - livnizzzle@gmail.com


O.x