Wednesday, 22 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 38.

I always got told to never rely on people but sometimes you just can't help it.
My mum always told me not to trust someone 100% or give them my whole entire heart because people can change in an instance but being with someone that makes me feel like I matter is the best thing in the world.

This guy right here has been the reason I want to better myself, I feel like I'm something worthy because he's one of the most genuine, passionate and damn right lovely people I know. I know I've wrote about him alot recently after he did his few posts but I've spent like a week in perfect happiness with him, waiting up til like half 6 til he got in from work just so we could sleep together. Not sex, just, lay there whilst my head's on his chest and he's calming me outta a nightmare. 

When we were first together he had no idea how bad my anxiety was or how I was really struggling, we were best friends before we'd even got into a relationship but we always wanted to be together, he was and still is my entire world. He's sleeping right now after being at work all night and right now I'm wide awake because my head looks so fucking empty without him. It's kinda funny actually, I always wore make up when I was around him, whether it was just to sleep in so he didn't see me natural or just to stay in and watch movies, I'd wear it as a mask so even when I was sad he wouldn't be able to see it. 
This week the only time I had make up was when I'd gone to his, I no longer feel like I need to hide myself because I'm 'ugly' or 'gross', I've embraced my freckles near my eyes, I've embraced the little burn marks on my belly from putting a hot water bottle on it too quickly, I've embraced that some days I'm going to a little bloated every now and again and that's okay.

I've accpeted that there's going to be days where I don't wanna get out of bed and eat or anything and just curl up into a ball, I'd much rather share my bad days with RJ though because he knows how to calm me down and I don't have to worry that he's going to take anything I say personally, I don't have to worry that he's going to start thinking I'll get ill again because I have more bad days than good. 

I always worry I'm going to ill again or that my anxiety's going to get worse but he reminds me that I'm strong and I'm not alone, he makes me feel powerful. 

If anyone would like to talk or anything - livnizzzle@gmail.com

Please feel free to email me because I remember feeling so fucking alone and wanting to talk but I couldn't figure out the words so even if you wanna send a fullstop, it's a start.

Thanks for reading,
Ox.

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