Thursday, 9 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 30.

This is another post that's gonna be in the form of a letter type thing. Hope you're all feeling good and let's get started..

Dear Mama, 
I never wanted you to know I was getting bullied because I hated to admit it.
I was ashamed of it.
I was ashamed that I couldn't stand up for myself, 
I'd always acted cocky and I could always stick up for myself but I'd lost my voice. 

To tell you the truth, if you hadn't of found that letter which was from the girls that bullied me.. 
You'd of probably never known.
I didn't really want you to know because I always said to myself, "I'd sort it".

I never wanted you to know how much I was hurting, I never wanted you to know how much I'd skip school just so I didn't have to be in class with people that actually hated me.
You'd make me butty's for dinner and I'd always end up throwing them in the bin but leaving the bag you'd put them in, in my bag still so you'd think I ate them.

I used to LOVE going out, but the thought of going out actually made me cry and I remember you and Jade were wanting to go out and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. 
I hated wearing normal clothes, my grey nike trackies and hoodies became my favourite thing to wear.
I became more secretive, I didn't want you knowing how I was feeling, I didn't want you to know I was starving myself because all I wanted in this world was to die.
I'd get angry and frustrated then cry and cry and cry, I'd lock myself in the bathroom because it had become my safe place.

I didn't want you to know I was living in pain.
But when you did find out, it felt like I was free.
 Free from holding in this secret.
I remember you just holding me whilst I just cried in your arms and I think you'd always known your little girl was suffering but you just didn't know to what extent. 

I was no longer alone, it was me and you.
You were my voice, you said all the things I couldn't bring myself to say.
YOU fought for me when I didn't have the strength to fight for myself, you fought for me with school, you fought for me with doctors, and you fought for me with EVERYTHING.

You'd beg and plead with me til I ate but I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it for you, I didn't want to do it.
I wanted to leave this world but you wouldn't let me.
I chose to start eating again, I knew I had a purpose..

I just didn't know what it was, yet.

I realised I had to help more people that were in this situation, that had no voice.
I had to do what my mama did, and I created this blog, so show every single one of YOU that no matter how bad you're feeling, YOU aren't alone and you never will be whilst I'm on this Earth.

ThankYOU mama for inspiring me, thankYOU for never giving up on me and most of all thankYOU for being the voice for me whilst I'd lost mine.
I love you always.

Ox.

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