Wednesday, 29 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 46.

There's been some missed opportunities but I'm taking it with a grain of salt, I'm not going to stress over things that are out of my control. but one thing is for sure I'm not going to let it stop me from doing what I love to do.

As I've already wrote that I want to go to schools or whatever and talk about mental illness, I think I'd love to talk to young people and tell them how it's okay to struggle and it is okay to ask for help.
Now let's get to the main post..

There's things I always tell people who don't understand my anxiety -

  • It isn't just going to go away
  • I can't just turn it off
  • Don't tell me you know I feel
  • Your bad day isn't the same as my bad days
  • Do not ever tell me to just get over it
  • Don't tell me it's normal because it isn't
I've always hated telling people what's on my mind because if I struggle to understand myself then how are YOU going to understand me and how I'm feeling? My outlets are writing and drawing, but whenever I draw, I draw how I feel so I'll sketch skulls and super eery stuff like that. 

Anybody out there that's struggling I want you to know, that it's okay. You don't deserve this but it's okay to admit you're struggling, if you've relapsed with your eating disorder, it's okay because you've shown that you were strong enough to beat it before. This doesn't define who you are as a person, you always gotta have a little rain to get a little sunshine and that's something I honestly believe.

Enquiries - 
Twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
Email - livnizzzle@gmail.com
Instagram - living_with_a_mental_illness

O. x


Tuesday, 28 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 45.

How're you all feeling guys? 
- I've made mistakes and I've done things that wasn't exactly needed but I can admit I've fucked up and I made situations worse but in life you're meant to make mistakes. If I hadn't of made mistakes I wouldn't be human. - 

Being in a relationship whilst I suffer with anxiety and an eating disorder is hard. Motivating myself to get out of bed every single day is hard. Some days are much harder and some days are easy. I hate getting out of bed or out of my room when days are harder than most.
It's hard to do day to day stuff - if you've got no motivation to do anything, how can you put your whole focus into something in which you're numb. You're numb to the world, you're numb to all the feelings.

Staying sane whilst you're struggling so badly is hard, trying to be yourself whilst you feel like the world's falling apart is heartbreaking. Mental illness is something that tests you any chance it can get but do not ever ever let it break you. You may feel like the world's on top of you and you just can't deal with it but keep fighting baby, you're worth so much than this.

I write everyday even if I don't always post every day, I still write. I write so I can't overthink things, I write so that other people suffering can see that they aren't alone and I write because it helps me, it helps me track my journey and it helps people that know me, know me better because I'm actually pretty quiet.

I still hope to get the opportunity to spread awareness and get my message into schools because it's happening more often than it really should.

Enquiries -
Twitter - @LiVNiZZZLE
Email - livnizzzle@gmail.com
Instagram - living_with_a_mental_illness

O. x


Monday, 27 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 44.

I am SO freaking blessed!!!

First of all, I'd just like to say thankYOU to everyone that continues to support this blog and me on a daily level, this support and all of you readers make this little dream of mine achievable, and I'm so grateful because this journey we're all on isn't just helping you guys but it's helping me. 
Before I wrote this blog I was struggling, really fucking badly actually, I wouldn't go out unless it was with my mum or my boyfriend, I was so dependent on other people that I couldn't go out by myself and when I did it was a huge challenge for me, 

Getting my focus back on something positive instead of always having a negative mindset was so difficult for me too because I got myself into a habit of always being negative even if there was nothing to be negative about, and I'm not usually a super negative person but when you think of your life as being a whole period of utter darkness then it soon changes you as a person.
This blog IS my focus, it's what I set out to do every single day, I wake up and think of new ideas to write for posts, I want you all to know that I am human and my experiences are what makes me me. But please never ever think that just because of what's happened it's going to make me bitter or angry because it isn't, I had enough of being angry and bitter, it isn't going to change what happened or make things better. 

All you've got to do after bad shit happens is make positives of all the negatives and DO NOT let mental illness or bullying or anything else turn you into someone that's bitter and angry all the time, I've got something great to focus on and make this blog something BIG. I never thought I could do that, I never thought I'd take my exams because I thought by that time I'd of ruined my body so much it would just give up on me but it hasn't and I'm grateful for everything I've been given and I've achieved. 

I'm grateful I've got my family and my boyfriend, I'm grateful for his family and I'm grateful for myself. I'm grateful I've been given another chance and that I'm able to write for all of you now. 

Enquiries - 
Twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
Email - livnizzzle@gmail.com
Instagram - living_with_a_mental_illness

ThankYOU for continually showing this page love and for your continued support. 
You're all appreciated,
O. x

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 43.

Mental health is a subject not everyone wants to talk about, in schools it isn't really spoke about much either and this is gonna kinda be today's topic - Awareness of mental health -

When I was in school there wasn't much awareness or talks about mental health or even eating disorders with boys and girls, there more talk about eating disorders in girls than there is boys but it still happens, just because it isn't spoken about, IT STILL HAPPENS.

I think my goal for this blog is to get it into schools and get it out there because children and young people need to know that mental health isn't something to be embarrassed about and that it isn't something to glamorize either, eating disorders aren't something to glamorize either because it's ugly. I'm not saying people who have eating disorders are ugly but the eating disorder itself is, it takes away who you are as a person and tears you down so much you're at your bare minimum of who you are.
I was vibrant, happy and I was just a kid, I then became someone who just shut down, I shut everyone out and I became secretive. That wasn't who I really was but it's who anorexia made me.

I see so many 'Pro - ana' and thinspo shit on instagram/tumblr and I feel like that should be banned. Purely for the fact eating disorders AREN'T to promote unless you're showing people the awareness, I actually had a tumblr but I deleted that because there were so many pages promoting starving yourself and that's so wrong.
Young girls and guys need to be aware that this isn't healthy, promoting something that essentially can kill you makes me real sad. This is damaging to everyone but there's young people out there that struggle with this, and if YOU have an eating disorder and you look at all this bullshit on instagram you're only going to make yourself feel worse and you're going to make your eating habits 10x worse.

And if you are on the journey of starting to get better and help yourself a little at a time, looking at this IS going to trigger you, it's going to make you feel so bad about yourself and I know it will because I used to do the exact same shit so I know first hand the effects of it.

Enquiries -
Twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
Email - livnizzzle@gmail.com
Instagram - living_with_a_mental_illness

Ox.

Sunday, 26 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 42.

Hey guys and girls and everything in between, if you're a new reader I'd just like to welcome you here and thankYOU for taking the time out to read this, whether you're suffering with a mental illness or you know someone that is, you're all appreciated.

Sorry for the last few posts of me having a meltdown, I just overthink far too much and it ruins so much and takes up way too much of my time.

I want to talk about bullying, it's a subject I'm quite passionate about actually.
I got bullied for years, I came to Norfolk after living in a little place called Cornholme up north, and I've a different accent to everyone else down here and I stood out more than I already did. Before I moved I had so many friends, I was a really happy little kid.

In primary school I'd always stuck up for myself especially when I moved here, I wanted to fit in almost as soon as I'd got into that school, and one thing I grew to dislike so much was these little cliques they'd have. Before I moved there was a boy in my class I think that had disabilities and I was friends with him, I was friends with everyone to be honest, I wasn't particular who was my friend aslong as they were nice.

When I got bullied I kept it in, I didn't like anybody knowing I was that vulnerable and I became quite secretive about it, I mean I wouldn't want people to think of me as someone who couldn't stand up for themselves.
I'd hide it all and keep everything in and eventually that's what hurt more than anything and noone could understand why I shut off completely.

And ultimately, me getting bullied led to me developing an eating disorder and that ruined me and my self esteem.

Everyone's story MUST be heard.

Ox.

Twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
Email - livnizzzle@gmail.com
Instagram - living_with_a_mental_illness

Saturday, 25 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 41.

For all of you that has continued to read my blog from the very beginning, you all know that I've struggled with my weight and my anxiety for what feels like years now, sometimes I can be my biggest fan and be like 'YEAH I LOOK WELL GOOD!' and others it's usually like 'you need to lose weight, how the fuck have you got a boyfriend? Are you sure you should be eating that?'

It's been an ongoing battle ever since I was little and I've always just wanted it to end, I mean I don't want my life to end or anything like that but I want to stop feeling like every day I have to weigh myself just so I know if I've put weight on or not.
I want to be happy with myself and feel good about doing the stuff I do like writing this blog, I love doing it don't get me wrong but I'd rather feel accomplished and happy about doing it than feeling like this isn't going anywhere.

I've got a boyfriend and I want him to be able to tell everyone and anyone that I'm his, I want him to be proud that I'm just his, I want him to want to show me off to all his family an all that shit, I just want him to be grateful and happy that I'm his..
Being in a relationship with him whilst I've got anxiety and my eating still isn't proper is actually so freaking difficult, I always wanted to hold everything in and not tell him anything because I was quite embarrassed of anyone knowing my feelings or any of this, mainly for the fact I don't want people to feel pity for me because it happens to so so so many young boys and girls, it's ridiculous. But when I did tell him about everything he didn't do anything I expected like I expected him to leave me because of it but he didn't, he tried to understand and he still tries now and I'm so grateful for that.

Being in a relationship whilst you suffer with mental illness is probably one of the hardest things to do, you never know if one day you'll wake up and feel the worst you've ever felt and there's nothing you can do except try and force yourself to get out of bed and get on with the day no matter how hard it is, but then you get the good days, the days were you could feel like you can conquer the world but it isn't always that easy..

There's 5 things I want people that don't have anxiety to understand:
  • It isn't just a 'bad day'
  • Don't say you know how I'm feeling because you occasionally get bad days, this is a constant thing 24/7
  • Please don't say you have severe anxiety just because you get nervous over shit
  • Don't tell me to get resilient because you don't get it
  • Please please please don't tell me to just get over it, its 'normal' it isn't normal to have constant bad days, EVERY single day, it isn't normal to feel miserable every day of your life and it isn't normal to not want to be around people even if it's just 5 people in a room. Fuck that.
And finally, I created a twitter and instagram for this blog so if you'd like to follow, please do!

Email - livnizzzle@gmail.com
Twitter - @LiVNiZZZLE
Instagram - living_with_a_mental_illness

Thanks for reading loves,
Ox.

Friday, 24 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 40.

Since writing my last post I realised that if you don't like something about your body you can easily change it, so I think I'm going to start working out alot more, mostly ab work outs and cardio but whilst I'm feeling better like that.. I'm still in search of the PERFECT dress, it doesn't matter what the occasion is but it's kinda important to me.

I'M TOTALLY FREAKING OUT.
I THINK I'M GOING TO CANCEL.
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

It's been like 4 hours since I put this and it's a definite, I'M NOT GOING!!!!

If you ever want to know what anxiety feels like, it's definitely this.

Ox.



#NEW CHAPTER ~ 39.

23/06/2016
I got my hair done today and cut and everything, I thought it'd be nice since I've felt like shit these past few days, but obviously the good feeling doesn't last forever.. meh..

Do you ever get them days where absolutely nothing looks right n your body or you just feel like your body and how you look is equivalent to something mega fucking gross? That's today's feelings and its fucking shit.
My belly looks so bloated too which is just great cos that's gonna make me feel so much better, like I genuinely feel like I should go on some diet or something.

It's now the day after I wrote that and I still feel the same but I don't want to begin to write a post which is all about me hating myself because that's not what I'm about.
I want to feel good about myself and of my accomplishments but I really don't feel that great, I feel like I look gross, I feel gross, I don't even feel confident enough to wear dresses and anyone that really knows me knows that I LOVE wearing dresses!!!!

I don't even feel like writing anymore...

Ox.





Wednesday, 22 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 38.

I always got told to never rely on people but sometimes you just can't help it.
My mum always told me not to trust someone 100% or give them my whole entire heart because people can change in an instance but being with someone that makes me feel like I matter is the best thing in the world.

This guy right here has been the reason I want to better myself, I feel like I'm something worthy because he's one of the most genuine, passionate and damn right lovely people I know. I know I've wrote about him alot recently after he did his few posts but I've spent like a week in perfect happiness with him, waiting up til like half 6 til he got in from work just so we could sleep together. Not sex, just, lay there whilst my head's on his chest and he's calming me outta a nightmare. 

When we were first together he had no idea how bad my anxiety was or how I was really struggling, we were best friends before we'd even got into a relationship but we always wanted to be together, he was and still is my entire world. He's sleeping right now after being at work all night and right now I'm wide awake because my head looks so fucking empty without him. It's kinda funny actually, I always wore make up when I was around him, whether it was just to sleep in so he didn't see me natural or just to stay in and watch movies, I'd wear it as a mask so even when I was sad he wouldn't be able to see it. 
This week the only time I had make up was when I'd gone to his, I no longer feel like I need to hide myself because I'm 'ugly' or 'gross', I've embraced my freckles near my eyes, I've embraced the little burn marks on my belly from putting a hot water bottle on it too quickly, I've embraced that some days I'm going to a little bloated every now and again and that's okay.

I've accpeted that there's going to be days where I don't wanna get out of bed and eat or anything and just curl up into a ball, I'd much rather share my bad days with RJ though because he knows how to calm me down and I don't have to worry that he's going to take anything I say personally, I don't have to worry that he's going to start thinking I'll get ill again because I have more bad days than good. 

I always worry I'm going to ill again or that my anxiety's going to get worse but he reminds me that I'm strong and I'm not alone, he makes me feel powerful. 

If anyone would like to talk or anything - livnizzzle@gmail.com

Please feel free to email me because I remember feeling so fucking alone and wanting to talk but I couldn't figure out the words so even if you wanna send a fullstop, it's a start.

Thanks for reading,
Ox.

Saturday, 18 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 37.

"You will always be the miracle that keeps my life complete."

I used to spend practically all my time in bed, I'd hate to leave it because then I'd have to see people even if it was just the people in my house.. I've always felt alone and lonely, even in other people's company. 
I'd resent be left alone to be with my thoughts because they've always scared me, I know it could be like this; I know how easy it could be for me to have one more bad day and realise I want nothing more to do with suffering anymore. It would be so easy for me to just give up on fighting YET I never want to give up.

I've always had my family but this, this is different.. it's different because I've planned a life with someone, I've got hopes and dreams, there's so many things I want to achieve with this person and I can't do it if I'm not here. 
I used to live in darkness, I'd think dark thoughts, I'd live in numbness and there's so many times I've told him to give up on me and he hasn't. There's been times where we've just both sat and cried on my living room floor and then we cuddled not like a normal cuddle, a cuddle that's needed and it brings you back together. He broke up the darkness, it's always still there but I don't feel numb, I feel excited, scared and happy.. all rolled into one.

It's funny when you look back and see how much you've both changed, fuck. He was probably the biggest hoodrat I've seen in my life and I'd stopped giving a fuck about everything, in that period of time I did shit I'm not proud of, but he did the same and I guess it brought us together. It made us together and then we changed together.


He makes me feel like although it's okay I'm hurting, I don't need to hold it all in because let's be honest, he can read me like a muthafucking book!!! 

I hope you realise how special you make me feel.

I love you always boo boo,

Ox.

4000+ VIEWS!

I feel like saying we did it baby. We as in me and RJ and me and ALL my readers.

I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd achieve or be able to achieve everything I have with this blog. I'm at a realisation that I can and will proceed to attempt to conquer the world.. I genuinely feel like crying right now because of my experiences I can try and help other people that have or that are going through this right now and it's the most empowering feeling in the world knowing you've really helped someone in need.

When I was getting bullied, I wanted absolutely noone to know because they'd know I was weak and couldn't speak my mind when I used to always be able too, I decided to think 'Fuck it'.

-Fuck Bullies
-Fuck all the people who ever doubted this blog
-Fuck all the teachers that said I wouldn't make it
And most of all FUCK my english teacher that said I didn't have a good writing style.

4000+ people have read and shared this blog, I always write personally to you all because even if you don't want to talk to anybody about how you're feeling or what's going through your head, you can always know that there's people out there that have suffered with this and still continue to fight everyday, you may be struggling to get outta bed, or even shower, every meal you eat you have no motivation to finish it and you don't want to look in mirrors because you'll see how shit you look. I want YOU all to know that baby I still feel like this and I have more bad days than good but when I do have a good day I revel in it because I don't know how long it's actually going to last, so whenever you do have a good day push yourself to do one thing you wouldn't normally do, like go take a walk or get dressed!!

Always no matter what start with baby steps because you don't want to get too ahead of yourself, I remember I'd started having way more good days so I thought I could start going into classes and start doing school full time but eventually it all got too much for me and I broke down, I couldn't take going into school anymore and I couldn't handle getting dressed or stepping foot out of my bed.
The phrase 'lost the will to live' became all too familiar for me and although I didn't harm myself or commit suicide, starving myself was my way of slowly ending it, if the people around me saw how bad I got then they'd let me give up {Which may I just add, they never did.}

I want you all to know that all of your dreams can be possible, please PLEASE never underestimate yourselves because of mental illness, it's held be back for so long but I'm not letting it stop me anymore. Writing is my dream and we've now reached 4000+ views on my blog, my dream is slowly becoming a reality and I can't wait to see how big this becomes.

ThankYOU for always sharing and reading, thankYOU for realising I'm a human and making me realise I deserve more than I give myself credit for. ThankYOU for everything.

Please keep sharing and as always if you ever want to talk - livnizzzle@gmail.com I'll reply as quick as possible!!

I'm thankful. I created an instagram specifically for this blog so if you have an insta and would like to follow it it's living_with_a_mental_illness - please check it out!!

Ox.

Thursday, 16 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 36.

Whenever I speak to someone the thing that's always asked is 'how're you?'
Do YOU really want to know or are you just being polite?

I feel broken, like a jigsaw puzzle and there's pieces that just never fit so you can never complete it.
I smile, I always do whenever I'm with anybody, I smile. Purely because mental illness is my biggest weakness. It's something I can't fight physically because it's always in my head.. How can you tell people you're fighting a battle with yourself, in your head?
I never wanted to speak out about my eating disorder, because every fucking day it was breaking me down until I had no fight in me, I wanted to give up, so I'm going to write a letter to all the people that want to know like REALLY know how it feels to have an eating disorder from someone who still suffers right now. Enjoy.

Dear people,

I was starting high school when I started to starve myself, it's funny because I say it like it's an every day occurrence. I went from being deliriously happy to wanting to end my life in the matter of a couple of months, I went from being a confident kid with her whole future planned to hating every inch of my body and no longer wanting to go out anywhere.
It started off as I'd not eat dinner at school and I'd just pick at food, then the thought of eating made me feel like I was gonna be sick and eventually that's what happened.

My day to day life went from always being at school and having the occasional day off to ALWAYS then being at hospital appointments or counselling.. it was a never ending cycle and all I ever wanted was for it to be over. 
I grew up hating my body, myself, EVERYTHING about myself really. I still do, but I'm alot less obvious about it, I hide behind nice dresses and make up because I hate people knowing my weaknesses.



I crave the feeling of 'normality' whilst stopping myself from doing what I want to do for the fear someone won't like it.
I always got told by teachers that I had to be 'resilient', or I'd get told by people that I'd 'get over this', you all want the truth? You never get over it.
It ALWAYS stays with you, I've had the voices that tell me I'm not good enough or I need to lose more weight stuck in my head since I was ill, and that's what stops me from feeling 'normal'.

I've become paranoid, insecure and I barely trust anybody and let's be real even if I do trust ya, I'm 100% gonna lurk the fuck outta you til I find something and eventually I'll find something I don't like and you'll have to justify that but I'll start an argument and say I want nothing more to do with you because of the fact I wanted you to be decent, for once and you let me down like everyone else has.

My eating disorder has never left and I doubt it ever will.
Have you ever just looked in a mirror and picked at all the bits you don't like about yourself?
I hate my belly, I hate my legs, I hate the way my body's proportioned and most of all, I hate the way I look and I've got to wake up every day with the same feeling but plastering a smile on instead. Brilliant.

I know my boyfriend wrote that I wouldn't be writing til I came home but it's been playing on my mind for a while now and I needed to write my thoughts down before I went crazy.
To be continued..
Ox.

Monday, 13 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 35


Hi guys,

This isn't Olivia right now, it's her boyfriend Rhys

As you saw in her last post, she's taking some time away from here, and she doesn't know I'm going to be writing this, I wanna surprise her, like a romance ninja

I want all you readers out there, to share the shit out of every post that has been written on this blog. I want her to come back to 4000 views guys, +1 it, share it, post it on twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, put it on your cats collar and send that cat out, tell your Nan and Mum about it, just get the word out.

Me and Liv, we have been together over a year now and do you guys wanna know something? The amount of change I've seen in her over the year is astronomical. When we met for the first time she was this cute, shy little thing, who would listen to me natter on and on about all this shit that she didn't care about, and now thinking about it, I don't know why I did care about it, it was a big old pile of shitttttt. I remember when we first met, we were walking away from Morrisons and I went to push her in a bush, and she stopped walking just as I was about to push her in, and I fell in myself basically and she laughed and then when I went to roast her to cover my own ass, I stumbled on my words and she laughed even harder it literally made me feel like this
But seeing her laugh, and seeing that big cheeky smile of hers, made me happy. And you know there's that happiness on the outside like when someone tells you a joke and you're like ha ha very funny and then there's the happiness of your soul, like your whole body feels warm? Yeah I got that kinda happy when I heard her laugh and saw her smile and I still do to this day.

And then there's another story, of when I went to kiss her, while sitting in the park, and my big fat butt slipped down in between the slats on the bench and I practically headbutted her, like I'll be honest I thought I'd blown it with that, I thought she was gonna be like 'who the fuck you think you are headbutting me' and then she was gonna punch me in my pearly whites, but she didn't. And clearly I hadn't blown it cause we're still here nearly 13 months later.

Now as we get towards the end of the day, and she's watched me cry because my shoe's got dirty, and get all wet because my coat didn't have a hood and hers did and she was mean and wouldn't share it with me, we go back to hers to dry off before I get the bus back to mine and she gives me a can of coke full fat because I'm a lil piggy and we dry off, and I ask her what times the last bus back, because I've had such a good time with her I wanna spend the most I can and she says 'half 6' so we leave hers around 6 to get to the big bus stop for half 6, except we turn up at about 20 past 6 and see the last bus was half 5. So there I am all stuck in a different county, 2 hours away by bus, and all I have is £13 in my pocket. We do everything I can for me to try and find a way back to mine, cause I have college the next day at 9 oclock! Yes, I know, that time of the morning does exist, I didn't realise it either. It's about half 9 and we're walking back from Tesco's back towards hers and I'm going to stay there the night. We've been out for 3 hours and Livs phones broken so noone could message her and when we were on our way back, her mum finds us, and let's just say on the walk back, I felt like I did when I was middle school, and I told the teacher his head looked like a bowling ball. I feared for my life because her mum had an umbrella and I thought in the headlines there was gonna be

Teenage Boy Killed by Umbrella

But very clearly I wasn't, because I'm here now, tryna write a real long ass blog post that will eventually turn around and be related to the main objective of the blog.

That was just at the start, when Liv was all quiet and shy, and when she'd come to mine, if we wanted something from the shop she wouldn't come with me, whereas now, she'll go by herself to the shop and get what she wants.

Just a few weeks ago we went to ComicCon in London, and there were literally thousands of people there at one time, and she got through each day we went. She got through the busyness of the underground and of London itself, and how packed it was in the Excel Centre, and not once did we leave early. She got through it all, and in the short space of a year she's managed to do that, when before she couldn't even get a bus. I've been with Liv when she's had her really low moments, when she can't even talk and she has to write what she wants to say to me on her phone and show it to me. I've also been with her when she's having a really good moment, like when she hit 2000 views, you'd have thought she won the lottery. That's how much you as her viewers mean to her, she basically threw a mini party because 2000 people at least could have been helped by her blog

One of the reasons I've decided to do this post is because I think I don't make it apparent enough how much she means to me and how proud of her I am. I think she doesn't get how much I appreciate her and the things she does for me. The amount of times she's put her own problems aside for mine is a huge amount and I could never say thankyou enough times to her for it. She does everything for me without question, and I don't show my gratitude enough. So when you eventually read this. Thankyou for everything you've ever done for me, and will do for me. I want to make her realise she is the strongest person I know. Anyone that goes through what she goes through on a daily basis is a complete soldier, the way they can keep a straight face and help everyone and anyone, when inside theyre hurting more than any problem would.

Another reason is basically so all you readers out there will see that it does get better. From someone who bailed on me 3 times, to someone who managed to go to ComicCon, someone who as she has said used to starve herself with the aim of ending it all, to a boss ass bitch who wants to help end the stigma of mental illness. She's gotten through it all, and she comes out stronger each time.

And to all you who don't suffer with any kind of mental illness, be careful what you say to people. You could be saying something to someone as 'banter' when actually you're tearing them up inside. You can't see mental illness, so to be safe rather than sorry, don't be a dick and bully someone for banter. Because together, we can all end the stigma of mental illness.

I appreciate all of you guys support towards the cause my girlfriend is doing, so I love you all for that. Keep doing what you're doing guys, you're rocking it!

Oh also, her blog is her blog, she keeps everything to do with that confidential, so don't be afraid to message her, noone else will ever see it.

Message her here at livnizzzle@gmail.com

Don't forget I want 4000 views by the time she reads this so comment, share, do whatever yopu have to do to spread the word!

Peace out

RJx

A Little Heads Up

Hi guys and girls,

I'm just writing this to say I'm going to take a few days out from posting on this blog. There's lots going on right now, and I think for me to do everything the best I can I should step back from this for a few days

I'll be back soon lovelies, and just because I'm taking a few days away from posting, you're all still welcome to message me here at livnizzzle@gmail.com

STAY STRONG, IT DOES GET BETTER, TRUST ME

Ox


#NEW CHAPTER ~ 34.

Loneliness. Every word like that has a different meaning to everyone I think. But loneliness to me means complete numbness, you're alone in your head for such a significant amount of time that eventually you'll feel like you're going crazy.
I could be in a room full of people and still feel like I want to just break down and cry..

I hate to be left to my own thoughts, mainly because when I didn't tell anyone my thoughts or my feelings and I'd just keep it all in, I'd start to feel like I shouldn't be here. To tell the truth, I didn't want to be here either.
I get that same feeling if I'm having a really bad day and it'll scare me because I know how good shit is when I'm feeling good. Most of all though, I haven't done it because my mum is an amazing person, my sister even though she's very overprotective she's a real special girl, my brother I envy, I love my dad and the last person to write about is my boyfriend.. I've got some real special people around that even when they don't understand they TRY to and I think if I ever did end it all they'd be the ones hurting the most and I don't want them to hurt.

I've never wrote about my brother Ben so I'm gonna just tell you a little about him, he's my older brother and by now if you haven't noticed I'm the baby of the family which when everyone's already overprotective of me it gets 100 x worse after all this bullshit happens haha. Ben is someone that I really envy sometimes because he's a strong kinda person whereas I don't particularly feel like I am. We used to play golf together on the weekends and do tournaments an shit, and at that point he was my bestfriend really.
There's other things that have gone on and I'm not going to go into detail into it but even though we don't always get on, he's a really great person.

I feel like complete utter shit right now but I'm hopeful shit's going to change soon.
It needs too really haha

Ox.

Sunday, 12 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 33.

Hey guys, how you all doing?

For such a long time I didn't think I could feel like me again, I didn't realise I could feel accomplished and genuinely happy again. I've realised over these last few weeks that I'm not as weak as I make myself out to be, I'm starting to feel like I am strong.

I stopped myself from doing so many things that I actually wanted to do because I was scared, scared I couldn't do it or be good at it too but there's things I've not stopped myself from doing, and I think I'm starting to feel less trapped within myself and it's a good feeling.
But don't for one minute get me wrong, there's some days I literally have to force myself to get out of bed because I have no motivation. There's been days where I'm at my guys house and I can't even pretend I'm okay and I'll just start crying.

I've realised that crying isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign that you've been holding in too much and you just need to let it go. Strength isn't determined by whether you can act happy all the time then cry when you're alone, although you have to be so fucking strong to do that.. it isn't really the best thing to do in my opinion, this is coming from someone who did and sometime does do it still.
But anyway, strength is getting up in a morning when you feel like absolute shit, getting dressed, putting make up on and getting on with the day. You may feel like the world's against you 99% of the time but YOU need to fight back.

You need to show everybody and most of all yourself that YOU can do this, you're all warriors because the fight never ends, you get stronger and whilst you're getting stronger, the fight becomes easier to fight back too.

The insecurities you have become less noticeable because you no longer feel like you're worth nothing, you eventually realise that you're worth the world and no matter whatever happens you've got to realise that the biggest battle you will ever have is with yourself and if you've won once, you can win again and again and again. Until it just goes...

Daily thoughts..

Ox.

Saturday, 11 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 32.


Dear my readers {new and old},

When I first shared my story through bullying, mental health issues and all that other crazyness, I didn't realise people would appreciate it.
In one of my last posts I wrote how I was thinking of writing a blog for months before I eventually did do it, I was scared really. Scared that noone would understand or get it.

I write because whilst I've got all these crazy thoughts stopping me from speaking, what's really on my mind comes out whilst I type, I don't re read what I've put because I feel it's a bit more raw.
One thing I never expected whilst writing this is well I want everyone who reads this to know they aren't alone. Being on a journey with mental illness can sometimes feel like it's just a one way and you don't think you'll make it out alive but boo, YOU can.

I write about the negatives and positives of my life to show YOU that anxiety isn't a walk in the park, it isn't sunshine and rainbows, its tough. It's hard and so so fucking challenging, it's basically a war in your head with you.. crazy right?
I won my battle, it's still ongoing but you know what felt so fucking great? Everytime I'd go to the doctors and they'd tell me I put weight on I'd be ecstatic!! I'd literally be so happy and I knew I was winning. I always tell you guys that I wish I was how I was before I got bullied but getting bullied, having an eating disorder and STILL living with anxiety makes me stronger, every day.

To just know that I could have the chance anytime to end all of this and I haven't just shows that I'm strong too, I'm not saying it makes you a weak person if you do decide to end it all because that makes you a fucking courageous person. It takes courage and strength to do that because it's such a hard decision to finally commit too.

I want YOU all to know wherever you may be that no matter what time of the day it is, no matter how late or early it is, I'm only a message away if you'd like to talk. I suffered in silence for a very long time and it's hard because the only person that can wipe away your tears an tell you everything will be alright is yourself, and what I've learnt these past few months is no matter how strong you are, you always need someone to fall back on. Whether it's a friend, a partner or your family, YOU all need to talk to someone because eventually it will eat you up and that'll just hurt you more.

I'm writing to you because I made it my mission to help people, I always write posts thinking 'are they going to like it?' 'will anybody understand?' and you know what? I'm nearly at 3000 views. 3000 people that have read this and shared to support my mission.
Now finally, let's take away the fucking stigma of mental illness for good, I love you guys!!

As always message me if you'd like too - livnizzzle@gmail.com

Ox. 

Thursday, 9 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 31.

Hey guys, my last few posts have been in the style of letters mainly because its the things I want to say but I can't actually put into words.. I had the idea of writing a letter to the people that bullied me but instead of it going to them, it'll go to you guys. Mostly because I want YOU all to know whether you're getting bullied now or you have been bullied that YOU deserve so much better than this, and YOU aren't alone.
Enjoy :)

Dear my bullies,
How can I say this? 
You ruined my life and made me feel like it was my fault,
you turned my friends into disloyal fucks and you made me alone.
Everyone said for me to just ignore you but how could I even have the chance to ignore you when YOU were always there!

I actually used to like school and you ruined that for me, I got over that but one thing I never got over?
I'd be at home on my phone and you'd make my home feel unsafe. You were everywhere, I practically couldn't escape you.
I remember just being sat on my bed with my phone in my hand and I'd been talking to some guy on BlackBerry Messenger {old I know} and at first he was nice, and then I'd realised you were behind all this, you all laughed at me and I felt like somewhere in life I'd deserved this.

You made me feel disgusted in myself, at home, a place where it's meant to be a safe place, an escape really.. you'd ruined that because it made you and your friends laugh whilst it made me make myself sick and cry on my bathroom floor.

I'd go to sleep and I'd have nightmares, but I wouldn't want to wake up because the nightmares started to be better than reality, you made me convince myself I wasn't worth anything and I started to believe what you all said.

"You're ugly"
"You're fat"
"Noone likes you"

The 3 main things I focused on, which ultimately lead to me having an eating disorder.
You made a young girl that loved sport and loved going out hate everything. 
I'd hate going out, I used to play golf and I'd stopped doing that. 

You made me feel alone and worthless, I always thought this was my fault that maybe if I'd of just kept quiet and not even hang round with my friends in the first place that maybe, just maybe if I hadn't of annoyed you or said the wrong thing then maybe this wouldn't of ever happened.
I've always said what I believed in and I've always had strong high morals so if I think something is wrong, I'll say it.

If you didn't like me, that's fine but what gave you the right to bully me? I'd always laugh it off or say nothing whilst you'd walk past me and say shit. 

I remember going to the doctors with my mum because I desperately needed help, whether it was with my anxiety or my eating disorder, I'd wait for a few weeks then get another counselor and I'd have to tell them everything which started this whole bullshit. Everytime I told them it  felt so raw and hurt more and more each time. 
I stopped going to school even after you'd left because even after you'd left nothing had changed. The head teacher wouldn't listen to me, nobody understood me.

The only teacher that actually listened was in 3d. I stayed in there for a while then I stopped going to school altogether.

You made my relationships with people hard, I always think they're going to up and leave and I don't trust people. I always trusted people even if they were the wrong type of people to trust, I'd always give them the benefit of the doubt but I don't. 

I wanted to die because of how YOU made me feel, there's days where I still feel like that too. I'm struggling trying to love myself as a person and your just going on with your life, moving on from what happened in school. I envy that, I really do. 
I really wish I could just move on and never think about any of this bullshit again but you made me hate myself to the point that I'd starve myself so I'd be slowly fucking dying. How can I just move on from that? 

I can't move on but I know for a fact I'm better than what you put me through, I didn't deserve that so you know what?

Anybody that reads this blog is going to know if they've been bullied or made to feel like they're nothing, I'm going to make sure that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU that's going to read this know that YOU do matter, YOU are worth everything and more and finally.. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS.

thankYOU for giving me a reason to want to help other people so nasty little fucks like you can't get away with this bullshit.

As always if you wanna talk - livnizzzle@gmail.com

Ox.

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 30.

This is another post that's gonna be in the form of a letter type thing. Hope you're all feeling good and let's get started..

Dear Mama, 
I never wanted you to know I was getting bullied because I hated to admit it.
I was ashamed of it.
I was ashamed that I couldn't stand up for myself, 
I'd always acted cocky and I could always stick up for myself but I'd lost my voice. 

To tell you the truth, if you hadn't of found that letter which was from the girls that bullied me.. 
You'd of probably never known.
I didn't really want you to know because I always said to myself, "I'd sort it".

I never wanted you to know how much I was hurting, I never wanted you to know how much I'd skip school just so I didn't have to be in class with people that actually hated me.
You'd make me butty's for dinner and I'd always end up throwing them in the bin but leaving the bag you'd put them in, in my bag still so you'd think I ate them.

I used to LOVE going out, but the thought of going out actually made me cry and I remember you and Jade were wanting to go out and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. 
I hated wearing normal clothes, my grey nike trackies and hoodies became my favourite thing to wear.
I became more secretive, I didn't want you knowing how I was feeling, I didn't want you to know I was starving myself because all I wanted in this world was to die.
I'd get angry and frustrated then cry and cry and cry, I'd lock myself in the bathroom because it had become my safe place.

I didn't want you to know I was living in pain.
But when you did find out, it felt like I was free.
 Free from holding in this secret.
I remember you just holding me whilst I just cried in your arms and I think you'd always known your little girl was suffering but you just didn't know to what extent. 

I was no longer alone, it was me and you.
You were my voice, you said all the things I couldn't bring myself to say.
YOU fought for me when I didn't have the strength to fight for myself, you fought for me with school, you fought for me with doctors, and you fought for me with EVERYTHING.

You'd beg and plead with me til I ate but I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it for you, I didn't want to do it.
I wanted to leave this world but you wouldn't let me.
I chose to start eating again, I knew I had a purpose..

I just didn't know what it was, yet.

I realised I had to help more people that were in this situation, that had no voice.
I had to do what my mama did, and I created this blog, so show every single one of YOU that no matter how bad you're feeling, YOU aren't alone and you never will be whilst I'm on this Earth.

ThankYOU mama for inspiring me, thankYOU for never giving up on me and most of all thankYOU for being the voice for me whilst I'd lost mine.
I love you always.

Ox.

Monday, 6 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 29.

ThankYOU to every single person that's read this blog, I can't actually put into words how grateful I am. I hope you're all good..

This kinda relates to the last post I did so if you haven't read it, it's ~ 28!

Every single person that gets bullied or has a mental disorder, they suddenly become a statistic people can add to the figures. Noone should be thought of as just another statistic, I got bullied relentlessly and I suffered because of it so in no way am I just going to sit back and let that happen to other people.
Peoples lives are worth SO much more than just a number, no one in this world should be thought of as just another number.. I'm a human being with thoughts and feelings and after so many years I've got a voice too. No way am I just going to sit quietly whilst another person becomes ill or gets bullied, WE have to stand up for what's right and we have to be the voices to people that have lost there's right now.

I was made to feel weak, and there's something I've noticed actually, that week in London proved it too.. the bullying, the eating disorder, the counselling, EVERYTHING.. it only made me stronger, it only made me want to stand up against it all.

I am SO much more than the eating disorder. There were so many times I nearly let you win, I nearly let you become the person who I am, I nearly let you win. I was so willing to just give up, but time after time after time I fought because I'm better than this.
And I want you all to know no matter how hard it is now, it only gets better and better. Of course it's not always going to be perfect but you gotta have a little rain to get a little sunshine.

If you wanna talk ~ livnizzzle@gmail.com

Thanks for reading,
Ox

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 28.

How're you all feeling? I'm feeling a mixture of emotions really, I'm not exactly quite sure how to put it into words but I'm sure as fuck gonna try. So enjoy and as always please do keep sharing.

I miss my bestfriend, he's always been so much more than that, he's my confidant, he's helped me all throughout this blog.. he did a post about his opinions on this {if you'd like to check it out, it's called Other Perspectives}, I value his opinion so so much especially to do with this because I prefer to not really tell people my ideas and goals for this blog.
It's always been scary writing on the internet about how you're feeling and how badly you've been bullied, it's scary to put yourself out there like that because this is your life and everyone's of course going to have an opinion on it.

I never thought over 2000 people would be interested in this at all, I started writing because I had been feeling lost. Like I didn't know who or what I stood for anymore, mental illness has always been something I've had a strong opinion on and really it's what I've wanted to write about because there isn't really much awareness.
 Mental illness is a subject with many different categories -
  • Eating disorders - Body Dysmorphic Disorder - Anorexia - Bulimia 
  •  Anxiety disorders
  • Dementias 
  •  Schizophrenia/Psychotic disorders
  • Mood disorders
There's over 200 classified forms of mental illness but they are just the five major categories, before I'd got bullied or developed an eating disorder I'd never even knew the facts or figures about mental illness and now, well now I'm on a mission.

I'm on this mission because when I was in school noone stood up for anything, I had no voice. But now, now's different. I've learnt so much about myself after overcoming these struggles, it's scary as hell because you never know where you're actually going to end up. It's back to that fear of the unknown..

I want to be able to be someone's voice, I struggled every single day because I couldn't talk about it, I couldn't talk about my feelings because I'd just break down and eventually I'd be so trapped inside my own thoughts and feelings it'd scare me. I don't want anybody feeling like that, trapped inside your own body? It's possibly the worst thing you could go through, writing has always been my escape and I hope somehow me writing how I've dealt with things and what I went through has helped somebody at least.

I'm going to help as many people that need it. Because YOU deserve it, YOU deserve the world and all it has to offer.

Ox

Sunday, 5 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 27.

Hey guys, this post is gonna be slightly different.. it's going to be about something I've never spoke about or wrote about my opinion on the matter and the subject is Alcoholism.

My uncle who I'd never actually call my uncle died of it. He was more of a friend really, I'm not entirely sure how long he'd suffered with this disease but his body just got too weak to cope with the amount of damage he'd done to it..

In the UK, in 2014 there were 8,697 alcohol related deaths, and only 1% of alcohol dependent people get treatment.. these are the horrific facts, it's scary to think something so 'normal' looking could be a deadly killer. I say normal looking because it's just a drink, something you have with your dinner, something to celebrate occasions with, we've grown up to find this as a normal thing older people do, most young people do it now too.

I remember one night getting upset over something so trivial so I stayed downstairs and drank practically half a full bottle of captain morgan's, I got woke up by my mum and sister because I'd been sick in my sleep and that was real dangerous. I don't drink now, I practically despise the stuff but what I'm trying to say writing this post is that no matter what ever happens in your life, drinking something that's actually been found out to be addictive can be dangerous. One little drink there turns to be a weekly thing then a daily thing, then it's something you can't live without. Your body can't function without it, it ruins lives. Not only does it ruin your body but whilst your drunk shitty stuff can happen too like drunk driving, you could injure someone, fuck you could even really really hurt someone and not even know about it!

It isn't worth it.
Please keep sharing, thankYOU.
Ox

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 26.

Hey guys. How you all feeling?
Sorry I've been so inactive, I've not been feeling too great to be honest, I'm not sick or unwell, I just.. I don't have the motivation to do this much anymore, it isn't that I don't want too but usually when I write I show my boo before I post anything, I ask his advice on it, everything and we've barely had an hour long conversation since Monday and that was when he dropped me off at mine from going to London.

It's near to impossible to function properly when you go from speaking to someone every single day, every single hour to barely getting a message a day. It hurts, it really really does but it changes everything. I've felt like utter shit these past few days and I've just kept it all in because it isn't like I can tell my guy about it, I feel so fucking lost. But the thing is, he seems completely fine about it and I've noticed he's changed. The way he talks, the way he types, he's just changed and ugh.

I'm gonna leave it at that, have a good day and as always if you need to talk to anyone hit me up with an email at - livnizzzle@gmail.com

Have a good day 
Ox

Friday, 3 June 2016

2000+ VIEWS!

ThankYOU.
Thank you ALL for reading this blog, thank you ALL for sharing this too, this blog is supposed to help and be a support system for anyone that needs it really. I write to YOU all because this is also my support system, it's much easier for me to write my feelings on here than tell my boo. 
Not because it's hard to talk to him but because it's hard to tell him anything when I'm upset because my throat closes up and I struggle to even put a sentence together.

This blog has now got over 2000 views, I'm honestly amazed. I never thought I'd get past 100 views let alone 2000! I'm so so glad this has come as far as it has because this is an issue that needs to be taken seriously, and people just need to understand alot better than they do right now.
So, thankyou ALL for taking the time outta your lives to read this, I'm so proud of this because it's getting the recognition it really does deserve. 

Please please please keep sharing and keep reading!!

Love you!
Ox

Thursday, 2 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 25.

Hey guys, how're you all feeling?!
I'm currently in the process of creating something BIG for this blog because it's going to expand alot in the next couple of months, I'll let you all know closer to the time but I feel it'll be really good to get the support out for people who have lived with mental illness and still do, it'll take away the stigma for eating disorders because there isn't alot of information that gets out for guys with eating disorders too. #TAKEAWAYTHESTIGMA

It's amazing how resilient a person can be, I used to hate getting told I have to be resilient at school because noone actually knew how hard it was to get up in a morning let alone go to school and deal with the same continuous bullshit day in, day out. When I got bullied I didn't tell anyone at all, after a while I'd obviously told my bestfriend at the time and she said I wasn't getting bullied, it was just 'banter' so I believed that I deserved to feel like this or it isn't that much of a big deal but it was. 
Bullying isn't something you can just push under the rug and hide until a later date, I'd told the deputy head at my school and she'd told me that she used to get bullied by Geri Haliwell {pretty sure that's her name, she's some big celebrity}!!! 
So, everybody I'd told just acted like it was nothing, I wouldn't tell my parents not because I couldn't talk to them it was just.. I didn't want ANYBODY to know. 

I remember the dinner bell had just gone so we was walking to class and I was walking infront of the girl I'd told I was getting bullied and she'd basically spat in my direction and I had enough. I'd had enough of all this school bullshit so I started walking home but just so noone knew I skipped school I'd be sat in a park, sometimes I'd stay there until school was over for that day but my mum had found little notes the people that were bullying me wrote and I'd just put them in my bag and that's how my mum found out and I knew I had to tell her what the fuck was going on.
I remember we'd always have meetings because I'd never go to school and noone took it seriously, I remember when my mum took me to the doctors and told the doctor I was getting bullied and I wasn't eating and it felt like we'd made progress on that day because it wasn't even a week later that we got a call saying I had an appointment at the hospital.

As always the school hadn't taken it seriously again, I didn't feel safe there at all and it got to the point that I didn't feel safe anywhere that I wasn't with my mum. I'd lock myself in the bathroom with a notebook and just write all my feelings there, the bathroom suddenly became my safe place.

I'm telling you all this because ANYBODY can get bullied, it doesn't discriminate whether your black, white, chinese, whatever you look like it doesn't matter to bullies. You could be the best looking person in the world an people will still dislike you, and I'm NOT going to say 'well that's life buttercup' because it shouldn't be. People get very jealous very easily, and what I've noticed throughout all of this is that people can be super loyal or super against you and it goes from 0 - 100 REAL FUCKING QUICK. 

I want YOU all to know, whether this or similar shit has happened to you or you are getting bullied right now, it isn't your fault. None of this bullshit is your fault, you're the victim no matter what anybody else tells you. You're worth the world and SO much more, you don't deserve this. 
I've wrote this post because I want you all to know it does get better, it gets so much better. I never thought I'd get over whats happened to me, I was scared of never having friends, never being me before it all happened. I just wanted to be 'normal', but everyone's idea of normal is completely different so fuck it. Be YOU. Be whoever the fuck you wanna be and don't ever let people stop you.

Email - livnizzzle@gmail.com

Ox.

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 24.

I've always had a big fear of the dark. 
A fear of the unknown, you're scared but you don't know what of, is it myths or legends or the real? 
It's completely insane to be scared of things you don't know, however if you need to have a lil bit of control then it's completely rational.

My two biggest fears; the dark and the love of my life leaving me.
I push people away so they can't leave me and I write from morning to night so I'll never have to be in the dark outside.
And the second one, I've always thought I didn't need people because I'm a stubborn lil asshole.. but the thing is I spent practically 3 weeks in one persons' company and I couldn't of been more content with it. Although, I often got scared and panicky that they thought I was too difficult to be with because, take last week for example I was practically crying before we'd gotten to ComicCon because I was petrified. I was so scared to be there, not that I didn't want to be there but there was people EVERYWHERE!!

I faced all my fears last week and I'm literally emotionally drained, exhausted even. I'm only one person and I've got to try and keep up with everything like some days I've got to force myself to eat even if I feel like absolute shit afterwards. I've got to keep trying to convince myself that things aren't going to be as bad as I think they are. Before Rhys and I had even gone to ComicCon all I'd do is argue then say 'I'm not going to fucking ComicCon with you' we'd argue ALL the time on the lead upto it. 
But I did it. 

I did it because I always tell you guys that you can't let anything stop you from doing what you wanna do, yet I was willing to let my anxiety stop me from doing something I've always wanted too.

If anybody has any specific topics you'd like me to talk about, just hit me up with an email. I check it everyday so its livnizzle@gmail.com

Believe in yourself.
You're fucking wonderful.

Ox

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 23.

Hey everyone.. I deleted some posts I wrote yesterday because it didn't feel real. I'm not even sure what is or isn't real anymore, I'd gone to London ComicCon..
That's Sean Kelly from Storage Hunters..

I felt so trapped going there, I kinda thought that I'd back out at the last minute but obviously I didn't, I desperately tried to put all my anxious thoughts to the back of my head because I was scared. Scared that people would be able to tell my thoughts are eating me up every night. As you can all guess by now I wear make up but it isn't the fact that I need to wear it but once my face is all done I feel like a new Liv. Someone that won't take your shit like the old Liv did, 
I feel refreshed, like everytime I put make up it's a new skin type of thing. I am able to get that confidence I wish would stay with me.

Ox