A few days ago I'd been asked by someone who a while ago I might of actually classed them as a friend but you guys know my opinion on 'friends' he'd said.. 'Does RJ mind you postin all this?' or some bullshit, and I'd kinda kept it to myself but the thing is, my early posts about 'The predator' or about me just ranting about loyalty and trust, it's my thoughts. I'm sure some of you have or had diaries, well this IS my diary. If I feel I can't talk to anyone posting is my first thought, I've wrote about so much of my life because it's genuinely how I feel so I hope you all can accept that although I'm trying to help every single one of you, I'm trying to help me too. Because I'm still human, dealing with the causes of this blog.
I was originally just going to write about the future and what I want etc but I'm going to go back to what I said about friends so enjoy..
I'll be honest, I always fucking wanted friends, I craved normality, I'd change myself and my morals for whoever I hung around with at the time and that ruined me more than any eating disorder could. I hate how I'd rather hang out with fake lame ass people rather than just be by myself, and I think as I've grown up, I've grown up to realise that people only liked me because I wasn't me.
I've isolated myself ever since.
The reason I feel I needed friends was because in reality, I was missing something. I missed realness, and I needed to be honest with myself, I don't and have no reason to surround myself with people that I feel are just shitty fucking people, I put my mental health on the line for someone that didn't value that as a big deal, and that turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes I'd of ever made. It's my biggest regret actually, I never usually talk about regrets or regretting anything but anyway that's my biggest regret because still I wasn't good enough but HANG ON ONE FINE MINUTE BITCHES! Who in this world determines one's ability to be good enough or not? I found myself not being able to eat, sleep and well cope because some silly bitch said I wasn't good enough. I went through primary school and practically all of fucking high school getting told I'm not good enough, I'm too fat, I'm this and I'm that and I started to feel the exact same way I felt back then. I felt like if nobody likes the real me, the one I don't pretend to be then what the fuck do I do? How am I supposed to be proud of me when noone but me likes me?
I think after that moment that's when I really stopped just trusting everyone, I used to have a very trusting nature like I'd just trust and believe that not everybody was a bad person or not everyone lied, and I'd just grew up to believe that, I wasn't naive I knew how the world worked meaning not everyone will like you an all that shit but I gave people the benefit of the doubt when they didn't deserve it and that was very foolish of me.
And one thing that I'll always hate is that 'She isn't good enough for you' has been stuck in my head since the moment I got told.
I'm so fucking drained right now, go tell your loved ones you love them and go make a cuppa.