Thursday, 12 May 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 13.

Trapped.
Alone.

I used to be so so trapped in my own thoughts, my fears, my insecurities.. everything. I get so caught up in my own scary bullshit that I make myself so alone, I make it so no one can speak. I'll push people away, I do it all the time.
I'm practically my own worst enemy, I tell myself I'm not good enough so many times and then I start to feel paranoid and overall I get fucking insecure. I leave people because it's easier than letting them in, alot easier actually.
When I was in school, well when I did go anyway.. there was this place called the 3D centre and it was kinda my home away from home because I'd keep myself in the office and half the time I'd see noone but the people in there for the few hours I was in and I could easily just slip in an out of there. That's my problem.
I always just want to not be noticed, I kept myself isolated for so freaking long and I eventually got bored of my own company, I'd speak to people that were fucking dickheads, no gooders really.

I'd go meet people in my year that I didn't even like just so I could get out of my house, when you get so used to your own surroundings it feels like the walls are closing in on you and I just wanted to feel free for a few hours.. They'd treat me like shit and I laughed it off because I made myself feel like that so why isn't it okay for someone else to do that?
I made myself feel so bad and horrible about myself that even when the bullying stopped and I finished school I'd STILL not want to eat, you could say I was frightened, fucking petrified of becoming 'the old me'. I'd have nightmares of it all happening again, I dropped out of college because I was way too in my own head, and I'd isolated myself so much that I didn't even want to approach people, as you guys can probably tell I'm much better just writing on a computer screen waaaaaaaaaaay away from actual humans.

I remember how I was way before I even got ill and bullied, I was literally my biggest fan.. I didn't care what people said about me, and I had such a trusting soul it got me into trouble sometimes but it was just my nature and I desperately wish I could feel that way about me again.
I was happy.

All right guys, that's it for this post. I hope you enjoyed and don't forget to share!!

If you think you're weird or different, just remember weird and different is the best kind of human you can be. Unique is amazing so I guess that means you're all pretty damn amazing, have a good day, night, wherever you may be.

Ox.

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