Tuesday, 24 May 2016


Hey everyone, I'm finally home!! For those that don't know I've been at my lil lovebug's house for the past week or so, so yeah let's get straight to the point..

I've been feeling kinda rough lately, it's a bunch of things all mixed in to one.. it's weird.
I've always wrote about my inner most thoughts and feelings because it's so much easier than actually telling anyone right? I'm gonna be honest like brutally honest so please no one take offence to anything I'm about to say..

This blog was wrote to help everyone that suffers or knows someone that's suffered with similar issues to me because I want people to learn more about human beings as human beings. You can't just judge someone whether they're too quiet or too loud, and I feel like not many people REALLY know about mental illness, you always get them people that write long fucking status' about it and how bad it is but I'm not sure about you but I hate people knowing that I even suffer with it, I hate telling people the main causes of it and how this destructive little journey began. It's a really big insecurity of mine actually, not because having a mental illness is a bad thing but if I told people about it, it'd become my biggest weakness and everyone would know what to say to make me suddenly break the fuck down and I really never ever want to be able to give someone the power of doing that.

As I've said before I'm a really private person and there's so many people that think they know loads about me when really there's very fucking little. The amount of people that actually really know real shit about me is few because people don't deserve to know me in that way, they don't deserve to know how far in life, I just don't like being vulnerable.

I hope you've all had a good day wherever you may be. Stay safe and love yourself boo.

As always, if you'd like to talk about anything { livnizzzle@gmail.com } I'm only an email away.


Monday, 23 May 2016


Hey guys and girls and everything in between, sorry for being so slack and not writing as frequently as I usually do..

There's actually something I wanted to talk to you all about, next week I'm going to London comic con and I'm so excited!!! And I figured if there's anybody that reads this blog from London then I'd like to see some of you but obviously it isn't a guaranteed thing that anybody will turn up but still!

It isn't my job to help you understand, it's my job to end the stigma of mental illness and all things associated to it, I don't write this blog so anybody can try to understand how or what I'm feeling because no one can ever understand, it's my own feelings and if at least I know how to write about it.
I really just want everyone to know that the success that I've had on this blog can happen to anybody, whether you wanna be an artist or a lawyer, if you put the time and the effort into this then you can do it.

This is gonna be a short post because I'm really not feeling it today. Sorry.

Have a good day,


Sunday, 15 May 2016


I told you that feeling good shit wouldn't last..
Do you ever just start thinking about something and you start feeling that pit of your stomach arriving like it literally feels like you've got this big ass pit at the bottom of your stomach and it just makes you wanna be sick but you can't be sick. If any of that makes any type of sense anyway.

I hate thinking about the future because that means there's going to be some obvious change happening soon and it scares me. I'm literally petrified of change, I'm starting to feel the emptiness type feeling come back. I know change has to happen its just inevitable obviously but I don't want it now. Everything is how it should be for the most part and obviously if it changes then who knows what's gonna happen then?

Maybe I'll have to change along with this bullshit. It's such a lonely feeling.

How're you all feeling? Hope you've had a beautiful day wherever you are..
As always feel free to message me or comment on here..




I'm back again!!

I just wanted to add a new post because I'd seen this new buzzfeed video about when people tell you how good you look after losing weight and how complimenting someones weight does alot more harm than good and it really is true because even when people try compliment you saying how 'skinny' or how 'tiny' your body is, it affects your mental health alot more I personally think so anyway.

I personally just feel awkward when someone tries to say how tiny I am because I sometimes feel like saying 'oh, you should of seen me a few years ago. Then I really was tiny.' The fact of the matter is that ALL the time I'm still thinking I could easily slip into that same cycle of not eating or not eating properly anyway. I had a really severe eating disorder and on top of that I had severe anxiety and depression and on top of ALL that I was still trying to deal with getting bullied and all of that on top of each other fucking suck. Literally, how can you possibly get better any time soon when anorexia and anxiety basically counteract each other, you feel so shit with not eating and drinking but then you're trying to feel better with anxiety and it's just a big fucking mess.
But once my eating got reasonably better I really just had to focus about my anxiety, that kept getting worse and I kept getting more used to feeling numb within myself and I really hated it. After a while I got put on some medication for my anxiety and well after a while I noticed that I'd once again lost control of my eating and I started feeling really scared because I had my boyfriend practically always with me so it'd be much harder to pretend like everything's okay..

I went cold turkey off them pills, and my moods went from BUZZING SO FUCKING HAPPY to I want to fucking kill myself now, I hate the muthafucking world. It was unbelievably tough and I can only imagine how hard it was for the people around me to see me like that but I couldn't control that.
Right now, I'm not taking any medication for anxiety or anything.. I'm not 100% in control of this thing that's always in the back of my head, controlling my every thought but I'm getting far too used to it now...

Please do feel free to message me if you just wanna talk, you're the people that keep this blog running!!

Love you always,


Hey loves, how're you all feeling today?

I'm just listening to abit of Yeezy and I've got a super sweet candle lit, so it's time to write!

Just to let you all know now, I've created an email especially for this BLOG! It's livnizzzle@gmail.com so if any of you just wanna talk or you need advice of any sort, just hit me up and I'll reply as quick as I can!!

Today, I'm happy.. I feel really good actually, I feel really hopeful today, I feel like right now I could conquer the world. I know this feeling isn't going to be there forever, but I feel like today is probably the right time to write a good post for once.
I'm calm, and I feel like I've really got to start getting my act together. I stop myself from doing so so many things because of my anxiety, my brain will make my body feel so sick just because I don't want to do something 'normal'.

But, what I really want to do is help YOU. I've been struggling for so long with my issues that I've held myself back from doing stuff I actually want to do, I dropped out of college, I just I regret it now but yeah.
I scare myself into situations which then obviously leads to be getting frustrated and I'll just stop it altogether, I'm weird like that.

Remember what I said before though, weird is crazy good.

Email - livnizzzle@gmail.com


Saturday, 14 May 2016


Hey guys!!
Because I want this blog to feel a little personal between me and the readers, and because I really do want the best for YOU all and I definitely don't want anyone of you to b feeling alone. Nobody deserves that..

So, I've got a little solution for this!! On every new post, I'd like YOU to comment how your day was, how you're feeling. Whatever you feel like, you can post it anonymously or have your name up there.. it honestly is upto you!! 
So, I challenge every single one of you readers that on my next post comment what makes you happy, no matter how little or silly you think it is and I'll reply to all of you!!

And I hope you realise that whenever you're feeling like you aren't needed or wanted, you know I love you all and I wouldn't keep this blog running if I didn't think it didn't atleast make a little impact on people's lives..

Love you!



Today's second post was gonna be all ranty and shit but I've listened to Drake's new album and I'm feeling better..

SO, how're you all feeling?

I figured it's about time I did a good post throughout all of it, so here goes, enjoy my loves!

There was one person I would actually have proper intense conversations with and he's got a blog too so you should check that out too but he's called Nores {I think!}
Anyway, I found his blog off Instagram actually and I think about this time he was in an American prison but I'm not going to go into that but over time as we'd wrote a few letters an he'd sent me some of his sketches which were fucking incredible..

He did that for me last year!

Anyway more to the point, I'd ask his advice on stuff because I value his opinion and he'd make me feel like I mattered in this world, that I was kinda important even if I didn't feel like it and I appreciated that SO fucking much!
For another human being to make another feel like they mattered and that they was worth it is probably the best thing anyone could do, and I value that man more than I think he even knows..

When you've got a mental illness you ALWAYS no matter what need an outlet, like you need something that will just be a calming, relaxing thing to do and art has always been my outlet and he made me really get back into it, get one of them anxiety coloring books for adults and just let yourself drown everything out and just colour the fuck outta it!! It's a major stress reliever and it'll get some shit off your mind for a little while atleast. Learn how to do other sketches and you'll be like a self taught pro.

Thanks for reading my lil lovebugz.



Hey guys, I hope you're okay and thankyou for reading.. enjoy :)

Making your girlfriend or boyfriend feel insecure is probably one of the worst things you can do, if you like having the option of even thinking about other people, you should already feel like your boyfriend or girlfriend is the best thing in the world. There's no need to even talk about other girls or guys whilst you're with the person you're in a relationship with.

I had a conversation with someone the other day and he was there practically drooling other other females and that's so wrong on so many levels. You shouldn't be sat there making your girlfriend/boyfriend feel like they aren't enough because really, that's just what you're doing.. you're sat there thinking it's all innocent an shit whereas she's sat there feeling like absolute shit because of you being a dickhead. If you don't feel like your partner is the best thing created in this world then what the fuck are you doing with them? Leave them. Seriously if you don't feel that way with them, just leave them because I promise you and this is a guaranteed promise, someone somewhere is going to feel that way about YOUR girl and she'll actually feel like she deserves too.

You've spent nearly a year making her feel like she isn't good enough, the people around you think she isn't when HOLD UP she thinks of YOUR feelings before her own, she put all her anxieties to the side for you and this is how you treat her? Why is that fair?

Either start treating your girl right or she's going to leave and be so much happier with someone that isn't YOU.


Friday, 13 May 2016


This post is dedicated to someone who just gets it. So enjoy my loves...

It's hard to keep friends or even have friends whilst you've got a mental illness.
It's hard to be in relationships or even want to be in a relationship when you're suffering on a daily basis.

How can you expect someone to always want to stay in with you? How can you expect someone to understand why you're feeling so low about yourself?

I didn't think I'd speak to someone who just gets it. Like, my personal thing to do is write or chill and watch some cool series on Netflix, before I even contemplate going out I've literally got to sike myself up and tell myself it isn't going to be as bad as I think it's going to be.

I was speaking to someone the other day about this and when you come into any type of relationship with someone that has come kinda mental illness, you've gotta allow yourself to become vulnerable sometimes.
Too many times have I started arguments with my boyfriend just because I didn't want to allow myself to fall into that vulnerable scared state again. Because the thing is my problem is I either love fearlessly or I could just drop you like absolutely nothing. There's no in between at all, there's always a chance I'll just wake up and not feel shit for you anymore. That's just how I am..

Now to ALL you readers out there, I want you all to share the fuck outta this since after all it is Mental Health Awareness Month!!!!

I love you all boo.


Thursday, 12 May 2016


This post is going to be slightly different to the rest of them, because this isn't from my point of my view, and as you can tell it's from other people's perspective. This first one is from my bestest friend.

I've wanted to post a post on her blog for you all to see for a while. I want everyone who is like me and lucky enough to not suffer with anything mentally, to appreciate it. Appreciate the fact that things you consider little things like getting the bus, or throwing an apple core in the bin, are possibly some of the most daunting things some people can do, and thye are forced to overcome thinfs every single day. They suffer in their own house. Imagine that? Not even feeling at ease in your own home, normally everyone has a place where they can feel at ease, almost like a personal temple. Could you imagine always being on edge? Can you imagine having nightmares that you can't wake up from? On a bad day, that's what mental disorders can be like, I assume so anyways, because I have no right to say. And people who haven't even suffered with it don't have a right to say shit like 'calm down' or 'it's gonna be okay' or the worst one 'you're being silly' you dumb muthafuckers, don't you think for one measly second that that's how they're choosing to be? They want to be able to do things that 'normal' people can do. They want to be able to do things without constantly thinking that they're doing it wrong or everyone is watching them do something.

Never ridicule someone for doing something differently to the way you do it. Because perhaps its taken them every bit of gut they had to do it. That's possibly a personal achievement for them and you say you did it wrong? How dare anyone ever put down someone else's personal achievements because that's what they are. Personal. Not yours, not mine. That persons. You do not know the things they are capable of, and because of ridiculers, they may never reach their full potential. Take my girlfriend for example. She considered writing this blog, for months before she wrote her first post. And some of the people who found out. They laughed at her. That's not cool. It took her months to build up the courage to do this, and what in the space of 6-7 months she's amassed over 1200 views. Considering it hasn't got that much publicity yet, that's a hell of a good achievement which nearly never happened because people laughed at it. If it wasn't for me supporting her through it, this may never come as far as it has.

This next paragraph, this is for those who are in a relationship with someone who suffers with any illness. Be grateful. Don't take them for granted. Every day they're with you, is a battle. And I'm not trying to say either of you are bad people because I'm not. But I have been and I've fucked up multple times. But I have been extremely lucky to to have another chance with my girl. But you other people may not be. So, I advise you all, to take your girls or guys hands, look them in the eye and tell them you love them. Because when I do that to my girl, she gets this big ass grin on her face and her cute little eyes brighten so much, and even if she's having the worst feeling in the world, she can always be cuddled so hard she pops. That might not work for everyone, so I task you all with this. Find out exactly what you can do to make your girlfriend or boyfriend feel the best they can, even if you don't suffer with anything. Do it because I said so. And tke it from a man that's nearly lost his. Oh and also, if you do read this princess, I'm sorry and I love you, to the moon and back a million billion trillion times assface

And to all the readers of this blog and post. You support my girl as much as I do, so I love you all for that. Support everyone as much as you support us, and the world will be a better place.

Peace out,



I used to be so so trapped in my own thoughts, my fears, my insecurities.. everything. I get so caught up in my own scary bullshit that I make myself so alone, I make it so no one can speak. I'll push people away, I do it all the time.
I'm practically my own worst enemy, I tell myself I'm not good enough so many times and then I start to feel paranoid and overall I get fucking insecure. I leave people because it's easier than letting them in, alot easier actually.
When I was in school, well when I did go anyway.. there was this place called the 3D centre and it was kinda my home away from home because I'd keep myself in the office and half the time I'd see noone but the people in there for the few hours I was in and I could easily just slip in an out of there. That's my problem.
I always just want to not be noticed, I kept myself isolated for so freaking long and I eventually got bored of my own company, I'd speak to people that were fucking dickheads, no gooders really.

I'd go meet people in my year that I didn't even like just so I could get out of my house, when you get so used to your own surroundings it feels like the walls are closing in on you and I just wanted to feel free for a few hours.. They'd treat me like shit and I laughed it off because I made myself feel like that so why isn't it okay for someone else to do that?
I made myself feel so bad and horrible about myself that even when the bullying stopped and I finished school I'd STILL not want to eat, you could say I was frightened, fucking petrified of becoming 'the old me'. I'd have nightmares of it all happening again, I dropped out of college because I was way too in my own head, and I'd isolated myself so much that I didn't even want to approach people, as you guys can probably tell I'm much better just writing on a computer screen waaaaaaaaaaay away from actual humans.

I remember how I was way before I even got ill and bullied, I was literally my biggest fan.. I didn't care what people said about me, and I had such a trusting soul it got me into trouble sometimes but it was just my nature and I desperately wish I could feel that way about me again.
I was happy.

All right guys, that's it for this post. I hope you enjoyed and don't forget to share!!

If you think you're weird or different, just remember weird and different is the best kind of human you can be. Unique is amazing so I guess that means you're all pretty damn amazing, have a good day, night, wherever you may be.


Wednesday, 11 May 2016


I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I feel a sense of loss and I'm not even sure what I've lost yet, I feel pained. Like when you feel really sad you get this weird thing with your throat like your choking but you aren't and it hurts, that's real emotion coming out when words can't do shit.
I want to just detach myself from everything and everyone, I'm feeling trapped inside my head and it's probably the shittiest place to be trapped, damn I'd much rather be trapped with spiders in the dark than this bullshit.
This is definitely a bad day.
Anxiety and mental illness strike once everything's settled and you're actually feeling okay for the first time in fucking decades, I'm so fucking lost, I can't even begin to explain to you guys.

Literally, my last post said about feeling like you just don't know anything anymore, it mixes into this so so well. I don't know anything and I hate it. I've always felt like I needed to have a little bit of control over something and I've got no control over this, and it couldn't be more horrific if it tried.


Sunday, 8 May 2016


Do you ever get the feeling that you're just lost or you just don't know half the shit you did months ago, things change and that's what's scary to me..

Change is like my second biggest fear apart from the dark haha, and I just can't function properly when somethings changed. I'm very set in my ways so I like things to be in a particular order all the time or else I'll literally have some type of breakdown, it's scary.
The thing that really scares me about change is that no matter how far you are in life, no matter how good your relationships with people are, things are always ALWAYS going to change some how or other. Whether that means they'd like to get more serious or they don't wanna be with you anymore. It's all change and I hate it.

I know I always tell you guys to always take yourselves outta your comfort zone an shit but I'm gonna be honest, that's the place I feel the safest and I know most of you will agree. It's like my own little safe haven, if I don't have friends they can't hurt or fucking betray you, and if I keep myself isolated to the best of my ability then maybe just maybe I'll start to find some sorta inner peace and what not.

I want to be able to trust people again, but not the trust that's there but you know they're snakey as fuck, I want honesty in every aspect of my life and not many people can give me that, I mean it's not really that much to ask for now, is it?

Before I end this post I'd just like to say a little something to every single one of you who reads this blog on a daily or whatever time period, when I started writing this I really never expected it to get this far to be quite honest. I didn't expect people to actually read it let alone keep reading it!! It's a scary process writing all your feelings an thoughts down for basically strangers to read but I like doing it, I like knowing that somewhere in this world there's someone that's read this blog and I've helped them in some way, it's just a really epic feeling.

Always try your best to help someone because you never know when you'll be needing someone's help..


Friday, 6 May 2016


Sometimes the way you value you isn't the way others value you, if you could see yourself from someone else's eyes you'd value and think much more highly of yourself than you just seeing and being you.

Today's post is going to be slightly different, it isn't going to be a rant or about my past or anything like that, it's going to be about self love, self appreciation and most importantly happiness within yourself, so enjoy and don't forget to share! :)

Obviously if you've read previous posts, you'd know this subject is something I've struggled with for a mega long time and I still do, but what I've come to notice is that what comes with loving yourself is the jealousy of other people, and also I'd just like to point out there's a pretty big difference between loving who you are and what you're about, and being arrogant and overall a dick about it..

It's hard to build or attempt to build yourself back up to the person you were before you started feeling so low about yourself, it's a ever continuing daily struggle and I know many people blame society because there's trends that create perceptions of what we should look like, be like etc, but I personally feel like that's just bullshit.
 Yes of course there's certain things you can blame social media for but the real issue here is building your self confidence up so that if you see people post on instagram or any of that shit, you can't be like 'omg that's so goals' or 'i wish i looked like you' blah blah blah.. I see so many guys and girls comment on well known youtubers shit about that and it's so frustrating because on one person's page you'll comment how you wish you could be them but then on another's page you'll tell them they don't suit that or you think they look ugly.

Learn to love who you are because you can't change who you are inside. You can't change what your soul is, you're born with it and it stays with you til you die, and you gotta learn to love that too. Like for instance, let's have a paragraph of showing love to ourselves and the good bits an all that jazz, so here goes!!!

I love I speak up for what I believe in, it's weird but not many people have strong moral and one thing I've always relied on in EVERYTHING is my gut instinct so I know when something's off and I love that my soul is basically protecting me from bullshit.

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this post so I'll leave it at that..

Have a good evening

Wednesday, 4 May 2016



I'm SO grateful for everyone that has read this blog, this blog has now past 1000 readers!!! I think that's really incredible because I never really thought many people would want to even read it, I know many of you can relate and it genuinely makes me feel so good because this is slowly but surely ending the stigma of mental illness. I am so grateful for every one of you who reads this blog, because YOU help me and you don't even know it, I still suffer with severe anxiety and I'm still fighting the battle between me and eating disorders, I've not quite beat that...yet. 

Writing a post every now and again it still hurts because I'm helping all of you and I love it don't get me wrong, but it hurts to keep thinking of how I fucked up, I practically ruined my health because of people's words. I isolated myself so much because I hated people, but I used to be a people person, if that makes any sense at all? I used to love going out with my mates and just knowing that the people I've surrounded myself with aren't fucking idiots you know, but obviously they did turn out to be fucking douchebags so maybe my gut instinct was right all along..

Right now, I've got one best friend. And yeah, he is the love of my life too, it's fucking strange how life works sometimes. And apart from him, I've got all of YOU, all 1007 of you, I'd literally love to get to know all of you, if anyone ever wanted to message me, you're more than welcome too!!

Anyway enough of that..

I posted a quote on my facebook the other day and I felt it was so freaking relevant..

''What's up with everyone self diagnosing themselves with anxiety. Let me just tell you. there's a difference between being nervous and having an anxiety attack. An anxiety attack is SO much more than just being nauseous. Just because you are anxious every once in a while. Doesn't mean you have anxiety. Not to sound like an asshole but I'm sick of it because nobody understands how hard it is to actually live with anxiety and not be able to do things because of it, and nobody ever takes me serious about it because apparently everyone has anxiety.''

There are far too many people self diagnosing themselves when really they would fucking kill not to have anxiety, let me just tell you this from someone who has had anxiety for years..
It's excruciating, literally. There's been so so many times I've thought how easy would it be to just not be here anymore, I wouldn't have to face my fears nearly every time I go out, I wouldn't have to be scared about just doing something so simple as to walk my freaking dog. I've seen so many people post on facebook all these long status' about having mental illness and that's all well an good but the thing is if you feel so so bad about yourself, why would you post it all over social media? 

Never ever say you've got a mental illness just for attention because it ruined my life for so many years and I've heard about so many people who have ended their lives over it, so just don't do it. There's no need to be an attention seeker. duh. There's been so many young people that have missed out on getting the help they desperately need because the NHS (in the UK!) has waiting lists so there could be some people that just feel abit nervous every now and then whereas there's some people that literally feel sick about the thought of going out so it takes longer and longer for the people that really need the help to get it because of all this..

Love and look after yourselves.

Sunday, 1 May 2016


Hey guys! First of all I'd just like to tell you all a little something so yeah..

A few days ago I'd been asked by someone who a while ago I might of actually classed them as a friend but you guys know my opinion on 'friends' he'd said.. 'Does RJ mind you postin all this?' or some bullshit, and I'd kinda kept it to myself but the thing is, my early posts about 'The predator' or about me just ranting about loyalty and trust, it's my thoughts. I'm sure some of you have or had diaries, well this IS my diary. If I feel I can't talk to anyone posting is my first thought, I've wrote about so much of my life because it's genuinely how I feel so I hope you all can accept that although I'm trying to help every single one of you, I'm trying to help me too. Because I'm still human, dealing with the causes of this blog.

I was originally just going to write about the future and what I want etc but I'm going to go back to what I said about friends so enjoy..

I'll be honest, I always fucking wanted friends, I craved normality, I'd change myself and my morals for whoever I hung around with at the time and that ruined me more than any eating disorder could. I hate how I'd rather hang out with fake lame ass people rather than just be by myself, and I think as I've grown up, I've grown up to realise that people only liked me because I wasn't me.
I've isolated myself ever since.

The reason I feel I needed friends was because in reality, I was missing something. I missed realness, and I needed to be honest with myself, I don't and have no reason to surround myself with people that I feel are just shitty fucking people, I put my mental health on the line for someone that didn't value that as a big deal, and that turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes I'd of ever made. It's my biggest regret actually, I never usually talk about regrets or regretting anything but anyway that's my biggest regret because still I wasn't good enough but HANG ON ONE FINE MINUTE BITCHES! Who in this world determines one's ability to be good enough or not? I found myself not being able to eat, sleep and well cope because some silly bitch said I wasn't good enough. I went through primary school and practically all of fucking high school getting told I'm not good enough, I'm too fat, I'm this and I'm that and I started to feel the exact same way I felt back then. I felt like if nobody likes the real me, the one I don't pretend to be then what the fuck do I do? How am I supposed to be proud of me when noone but me likes me?
I think after that moment that's when I really stopped just trusting everyone, I used to have a very trusting nature like I'd just trust and believe that not everybody was a bad person or not everyone lied, and I'd just grew up to believe that, I wasn't naive I knew how the world worked meaning not everyone will like you an all that shit but I gave people the benefit of the doubt when they didn't deserve it and that was very foolish of me.

And one thing that I'll always hate is that 'She isn't good enough for you' has been stuck in my head since the moment I got told.

I'm so fucking drained right now, go tell your loved ones you love them and go make a cuppa.