Wednesday, 6 April 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 1.

Hey guys, girls and everything inbetween!

It took me awhile to find myself, I had people telling me who I was and what I wanted to be.. blah blah blah. I've never really listened to people, not my parents, not my siblings, noone. I've always just followed whatever the fuck I wanted to do, its the same with what I agree with.. I've always felt like if there's something you truly believe in, you can't let anything stop you from believing that right? As you all know by now from reading my posts I got bullied, pretty badly I guess but I had a choice.. do I still be friends with the people that left me or do I stick to myself and start relying on myself more?

I decided to stick to myself. I never went out, still don't. I very rarely talk to anyone obviously except my boo boo. I like it, it's what I've been used to for a pretty fucking long time so why would I want to change that now? Because it's my fucking downfall.
When it was just me, myself and I it was so easy, I trusted me, I had nothing to worry about and that's why I stuck to myself for so long because my worst trait became my favourite habit, in certain situations I have to be in control otherwise my weaknesses start to show. Insecure, jealous, not trusting, they ALL show.

It took me awhile to realise that actually in fact I can't be in control of everything and I'm gonna be honest it scared me, literally it scared me so much that I'd think of situations which would only just cause arguments but that causes me to freak out at people I probably shouldn't. Being 'happy' isn't easy or natural to me, my mum is probably the one person who whilst she annoys the tits off me, she makes me real happy like it sounds mad but every single hospital or doctors appointment I went too or everytime I went to counselling or I'd have meetings at school or I'd even attempt to do a few hours at school, she'd take the day off or make sure I could always be in contact with her.. she'd never let me be alone or unhappy, but what I'm getting at is she makes me laugh when noone can like she just knows what to say haha..

I'm learning to understand myself more and it's real scary. I'm scared of so so many things but I'm free. I'm learning to not let things get to me so much but that scares me too because well call me naive or whatever but I'm a good person so there's no reason for people to not like me but one thing I have learned is people will hate you for any odd reasons, they'll hate you just because you're different.

Never be afraid of being who you really are because fuck, being weird or different is so good!!! Being who you actually want to be without having a care in the world is magical. Try it.

Ox.


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