Friday, 29 April 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 6.


In a few of my posts you read about me talking about 'Me, myself and I' but don't get me wrong I like it, it's just very isolating. When I had an eating disorder I'd read so many books and I'd get lost in their lives and I'd want to be with someone who reminded me of my two favourite book characters but I've learnt something important these past few days, let me explain...

Book characters are completely fictional, they aren't real.. so the relationships they form in these books aren't real either but it's like social media, you see all these relationships on instagram, facebook, twitter etc etc and you'll see people commenting saying 'GOALS' when you don't know anything about their relationship, and you've just seen a picture of a tiny meme video of this couple doing cute things when boo that isn't real.

Relationships rely on two things, 'Loyalty and Honesty' in my opinion anyway! But anyway, a relationship isn't scripted or created by some romance author, it's raw and real. It gets tough over time but you both learn each other, you learn what they like and don't like. You learn their favourite food, their biggest fears, everything except something that's never really in any of these books are the arguments, the fights, the fallout. And because everyone's so used to seeing these 'goal' couples people don't know what to do when the arguments start to appear outta no where, but one thing I have noticed because fuck I do this too, you go straight to social media to post some shady fucking quotes and that helps absolutely nothing. Everyone seems to have lost the communication in relationships these days, because you're so afraid of saying how you really feel cos you might upset your lover.

I'll be honest, I'm the worst person to be in a relationship with, mainly because I'm so fucking petty. I remember everything literally I'll bring up stuff from the past because well it still hurts. I think everyone just wants to feel like they're good enough to be with someone and you literally try so fucking hard to be someone other than myself because well, who really wants to be with someone who's on the brink of relapsing, someone who's got severe anxiety and had about 0 friends huh? I'm just a catch haha.. One thing you all have to remember is that YOU all are beautiful, you may feel the shittest you've ever felt but overtime with love and guidance you'll start to feel secure within yourself and HEY YOU! YOU READING THIS WHEREVER AND WHOEVER YOU MAY BE, YOU ARE A FUCKING CATCH!! ANYBODY WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE YOU!

I'm learning to love myself and so should you.
Ox

Wednesday, 27 April 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 5.

Hey. I know it's been a long ass time til I posted anything and I do have some little projects going on within this blog so I'll tell you all a little of what may happen who knows.. Basically this blog is here so people can understand they AREN'T alone in this world because I'm here really struggling too and anyone who reads this is or they know someone who is, and this is really what I'm trying to get at I could post every single day but the people who know someone who struggles everyday like this too still won't be able to comprehend how they're feeling so I'm going to do a few posts called 'Other perspectives' and it's basically going to be written by my mum, someone who's loved me and my bad bits, just basically the people who know me better than I know me.
So yeah, that's going to be happening soon so keep a look out for that and enjoy today's post. Sorry for blabbering on!

NORMAL?!?!!
What is it? Is it you? Is it me?
Everybody in this world has different definitions of what it may be, but my definition? My definition of normal is being able to go out and not feel like the world's fucking collapsing around me, to be able to have so much trust in someone that I don't feel like when I'm not with them they won't be off talking to girls or any of that fuckboy shit. I want to be able to be to know that I am good enough even when people have told someone I'm not good enough for them, I want to be able to know that myself I am good enough. I want to be able to love me too.

Everybody has different versions of normality, that's just mine! I feel like I try so hard to create this barrier of myself so it's only me that can see how fucked up I'm feeling, lately though I've kind of been feeling really spaced out to be honest, is that even the word? Ah man. I mean I was out the other day with my little lovebug and my sister, and I kept just spacing out of the conversation like just looking out the window because well I was having an anxiety attack and I didn't want people to know how fucked up I am inside my own head. So I hid it, very well infact.

But what I'm trying to get at is throughout this whole blog I've always said I fucking HATE going out. Period. But I challenged myself to do it, and I made sure I looked extra good too and although at first for a few hours I fucking hated it. I got myself out the house and I couldn't be more prouder of myself.



I love you!
Ox

Wednesday, 13 April 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 4.

Being in love when you've got a mental illness is hard. Scrap that, it's fucking difficult and it tests you at any chance it gets even in long term relationships..

I can accept that I've got many flaws and insecurities which I've tried to work on, damn I've put myself in situations just so my boyfriend could tell people he's actually got a normal girlfriend but in doing that I lost myself. Its hard pretending to be something you aren't just so I don't look a total weirdo.

I hate it when people lie to me, like literally it gives me an anxiety attack. So that's why I don't form bonds or any type of friendship with people because two things I've learnt is you CANNOT trust everyone in this world. At all. Secondly, people lie. People ALWAYS fucking lie, even if its something stupid. They'll always find a reason to lie and I hate it.

It's scary how lost you can get in a person, is lost even the right word? Invested. It's scary how fucking invested in a person you get, you overlook so many things even shit you aren't happy about, you'll sacrifice your beliefs, your happiness.. everything just because you love everything about them even the shitty bits.
One of my favourite memory type things is, I'd seen that documentary on Netflix about Tyke the elephant and anyone that really knows I freaking love elephants and everything to do with them and after me and my bestfriend watched it I grabbed my little elephant sketch {which I obsessed about} and ripped it up to little tiny bits and we both sat on the floor and cried, alot actually but it made me sad because you saw her die and it just.. it hurt my heart but right at that moment he saw me vulnerable and he saw the through me always smiling but it scared me.

Love is supposed to be unconditional and I just get scared because when something fucks up.
It'll be back to me, myself and fucking I.

Just wonderful.
Ox.


Friday, 8 April 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 3.

Hey guys, I know this is a new chapter and everything but I'd just for one post like to revert on everything a little.
When I was ill and getting bullied, just getting worse in general really. I had no sense of hope whatsoever, my only destination in life was to die, literally I wanted to be dead.

I guess me not eating was my way of slowly ending all that bullshit, I wanted people to get used to the idea of me not being here anymore because let's face it, I was a fucking shell. I was hollow inside, I was a mask of myself and it killed people but I didn't care. They didn't understand it, I didn't want them too either. Otherwise they'd know I'm broken, but obviously people could see that anyway especially my mum.

This post is for the people that know or have known someone with a mental health illness because everyone who's gone through this will already understand the concept of what I'm saying now so, here's a little piece of advice from someone who experienced it..

For eating disorders, never tell someone to just eat please. Never tell them to do it for you because I guarantee they'll just go to the bathroom and puke it all up anyway so there's really no point and it's only going to make them feel so much worse for not being able to just fucking eat it. It's not that easy, you think such horrible bullshit about yourself that you aren't able to see that good parts and it's so freaking scary to get yourself out of that mindset. I don't even care, you can't change yourself for other people just to make them happy, you've got to do this for you boo.

For anxiety, depression, whatever.
Don't say you feel anxious about shit too because that's completely fucking different, having anxiety means you get anxiety attacks at just the thought of doing something out of your comfort zone, it means literally being sick at the thought of doing something you're scared of, it means simple things like going to school make you cry at JUST THE THOUGHT. I missed weeks of school just because I'd overthink it, it made me physically sick, I could barely think of school otherwise I'd cry and cry and fucking cry. No one should have to live like that so please never tell someone you understand what they're going through just because you've had a shitty day.

It's been a while since all of that, well it feels a long ass time because a day feels like a fucking decade to me but whatever, please just take care of the people around you because they aren't going to be there forever, especially you don't know what's going through their mind right now. This minute. You could be so freaking oblivious to it because they don't want you to know, just don't let them be on their own in this. Keep them close and give them all the love you can.

Love you,
Ox.

Thursday, 7 April 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 2.

If any of you are still here from my first post, thankyou. Genuinely I'm so grateful for ALL of you, I don't know any of you and you've all helped me realise so much about myself that I didn't even know was possible, YOU made the whole new chapter happen and I can't thank you enough.. I just hope I've helped atleast some of you because it isn't fair to feel so low and shitty as I did.

My emotions scare me, getting better scared me more. But uno what guys, I've met people just because of what happened and I know for a fact I wouldn't of met these people if I was fine. So much bullshit has happened and I hate to sound so cliche but I feel like in a really weird way its made me stronger and alot alot more wary of people.

My emotions aren't normal, I either give you 100% of my time and effort or you'll get nothing from me, at all. I hate letting people in, it's my weakness, it freaking scares the poop outta me. Metaphorically of course haaha..
I get so in my head sometimes I literally scare myself with situations that 9 times out of 10 it'd never happen, I've lost people because I'd rather be alone than be with a bunch of fake dickheads. I'm better than that and so are ALL of you!!
Don't hang around with people just because you're afraid of being alone or you're afraid to have no friends, it's nice to have other positive people around you but the ONE person you truly need is yourself, you need to be happy with YOU!

YOU are fucking brilliant,

Ox

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 1.

Hey guys, girls and everything inbetween!

It took me awhile to find myself, I had people telling me who I was and what I wanted to be.. blah blah blah. I've never really listened to people, not my parents, not my siblings, noone. I've always just followed whatever the fuck I wanted to do, its the same with what I agree with.. I've always felt like if there's something you truly believe in, you can't let anything stop you from believing that right? As you all know by now from reading my posts I got bullied, pretty badly I guess but I had a choice.. do I still be friends with the people that left me or do I stick to myself and start relying on myself more?

I decided to stick to myself. I never went out, still don't. I very rarely talk to anyone obviously except my boo boo. I like it, it's what I've been used to for a pretty fucking long time so why would I want to change that now? Because it's my fucking downfall.
When it was just me, myself and I it was so easy, I trusted me, I had nothing to worry about and that's why I stuck to myself for so long because my worst trait became my favourite habit, in certain situations I have to be in control otherwise my weaknesses start to show. Insecure, jealous, not trusting, they ALL show.

It took me awhile to realise that actually in fact I can't be in control of everything and I'm gonna be honest it scared me, literally it scared me so much that I'd think of situations which would only just cause arguments but that causes me to freak out at people I probably shouldn't. Being 'happy' isn't easy or natural to me, my mum is probably the one person who whilst she annoys the tits off me, she makes me real happy like it sounds mad but every single hospital or doctors appointment I went too or everytime I went to counselling or I'd have meetings at school or I'd even attempt to do a few hours at school, she'd take the day off or make sure I could always be in contact with her.. she'd never let me be alone or unhappy, but what I'm getting at is she makes me laugh when noone can like she just knows what to say haha..

I'm learning to understand myself more and it's real scary. I'm scared of so so many things but I'm free. I'm learning to not let things get to me so much but that scares me too because well call me naive or whatever but I'm a good person so there's no reason for people to not like me but one thing I have learned is people will hate you for any odd reasons, they'll hate you just because you're different.

Never be afraid of being who you really are because fuck, being weird or different is so good!!! Being who you actually want to be without having a care in the world is magical. Try it.

Ox.


Monday, 4 April 2016

#NEW CHAPTER.

Hey guys, I know I haven't posted anything in ages and well that's because I've been scared. Scared that although I've posted my journey throughout the whole experience of having mental health illnesses, what if I've got nothing to write about anymore?

I'm still struggling right now, illnesses like anxiety, depression, bulimia, anorexia.. mental illnesses don't just go. They always stick in your head but you've got to be able to be strong enough to say 'okay thank you for your input but it isn't needed anymore.' because lets face it, it only controls you if you let it. I struggle because I doubt myself. I doubt myself and the people around me alot more than I should. But I struggle to not doubt other people when people still doubt me now.

No one can ever doubt me and should ever doubt me, I got over having an eating disorder whilst living with crippling anxiety and depression, that's basically a fucking miracle. I started eating because I'd had enough, I'd had enough of people looking at me like I'm some fragile porcelain doll., I'd had enough of not being able to do something because I thought I'd get hated or belittled for it. But the truth is, not everyone's going to like you as a person or they aren't going to know how much of a fucking miracle you are because you tend to shut yourself off at the first sign of conversation.
I'm gonna be honest, I still shut myself off when there's conversation being made around me. I hate getting asked questions because I don't want people to belittle what I like. I hate it.

But... last week I reckon I kinda made a breakthrough, I tried to at least have a conversation with some people and although it was fucking scary as shit, I did it. I did something that I hate doing just because that would be one less person to fucking hate me haha, you'll get what I mean if you've red previous posts {the predator or his mum} hahahaha.

The point of this post is to show EVERYONE that although putting yourself in situations you think are scary an shit, aren't always that bad. I made a effort to speak to someones parent and well for me that's a big deal because his other parent I reckon fucking hates me so it was nice, unless he fucking hates me too then, oops.

I missed you all! Regular updates coming soon..

Ox