Sunday, 28 February 2016

#26.

I really need to just get something off my chest here. It's 04:48 in the morning, I've slept for like 3 hours but to be honest I got woken up by a nightmare and I haven't been able to sleep since so I figured I'd write what really is on my mind now.

The truth is, I'm so fucking insecure. I barely trust anyone but I'm always willing to compromise and push my issues aside for someone I love.
I pushed my issues aside for the man I'm in love with and as always I'd like to make a really good first impression, I want his family to like me, his friends, everyone he knows.. so when he tells me that one of his friends momma's think he's better off without me, it hurts. It hurts because not only did she say that in front of him, she did it in front of his momma and no one defended me.
I work my fucking butt off trying to show everyone I'm good enough for him, trying to make his family like me. But like usual, I've got to pretend I don't know or even care.

The thing is, I think his momma is a very strong, amazing woman. She takes no shit and she's sassy as hell! I respect her alot. Even the woman who said she didn't like me, I thought she seemed lovely and that's what hurt more than anything too. I was fucking humiliated.
I'm not a bad person, I write this blog to help people, I spend my life trying to fucking impress any new people I meet but I don't think anyone realises how emotionally draining it is. I kinda feel like I'm back at school with people telling me this person doesn't like me and that person thinks I'm a dickhead.

How can ANYONE have the audacity to judge whether I'm right or wrong for someone? They don't know me, or what the hell I've been through. I've spent my life trying to make everyone else happy and I even was friends with snaky little slags because I wanted friends for gods sake. I made myself absolutely miserable, for what? Absolutely fucking nothing. I was really really happy with myself, I was happy with my achievements and I was just happy still being alive.
My opinion of myself got changed over someones opinion of me, how ridiculous is that?
I'm human, just like you reading this, I've got feelings, also just like you.

So why do you want to spread hate about me when you know nothing about me, you know my name. The persona I portray myself as, you don't know how many nights I've cried myself to sleep especially over what you said. You broke me when I had almost fixed myself.

I hope you're happy.

Ox

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