Monday, 29 February 2016

#27.

'
This quote resonates with me so, so, so much. It relates to my previous post super well too.

I hope that one day people can respect themselves so much that they don't ever have to humiliate, bully or just in general be a dickhead to another human being. It's shocking how people can laugh their heads off at making another person feel so fucking shitty about themselves, shit like that leads to suicidal thoughts, negative behavior and people kill themselves over your shitty ass comments.

OVERALL: DON'T BE A DICKHEAD

Ox.


Sunday, 28 February 2016

#26.

I really need to just get something off my chest here. It's 04:48 in the morning, I've slept for like 3 hours but to be honest I got woken up by a nightmare and I haven't been able to sleep since so I figured I'd write what really is on my mind now.

The truth is, I'm so fucking insecure. I barely trust anyone but I'm always willing to compromise and push my issues aside for someone I love.
I pushed my issues aside for the man I'm in love with and as always I'd like to make a really good first impression, I want his family to like me, his friends, everyone he knows.. so when he tells me that one of his friends momma's think he's better off without me, it hurts. It hurts because not only did she say that in front of him, she did it in front of his momma and no one defended me.
I work my fucking butt off trying to show everyone I'm good enough for him, trying to make his family like me. But like usual, I've got to pretend I don't know or even care.

The thing is, I think his momma is a very strong, amazing woman. She takes no shit and she's sassy as hell! I respect her alot. Even the woman who said she didn't like me, I thought she seemed lovely and that's what hurt more than anything too. I was fucking humiliated.
I'm not a bad person, I write this blog to help people, I spend my life trying to fucking impress any new people I meet but I don't think anyone realises how emotionally draining it is. I kinda feel like I'm back at school with people telling me this person doesn't like me and that person thinks I'm a dickhead.

How can ANYONE have the audacity to judge whether I'm right or wrong for someone? They don't know me, or what the hell I've been through. I've spent my life trying to make everyone else happy and I even was friends with snaky little slags because I wanted friends for gods sake. I made myself absolutely miserable, for what? Absolutely fucking nothing. I was really really happy with myself, I was happy with my achievements and I was just happy still being alive.
My opinion of myself got changed over someones opinion of me, how ridiculous is that?
I'm human, just like you reading this, I've got feelings, also just like you.

So why do you want to spread hate about me when you know nothing about me, you know my name. The persona I portray myself as, you don't know how many nights I've cried myself to sleep especially over what you said. You broke me when I had almost fixed myself.

I hope you're happy.

Ox

Saturday, 27 February 2016

#25.

Happiness. Something I've been trying to search for for ages.
Its something that gets lost for a little while then when you least expect it, its there. You could be sat in your bed, watching the same Netflix series over and over and over again whilst scrolling through Facebook, and you see this funny meme or video and you physically laugh til your belly hurts.
That's when you realise you may slightly be feeling better within yourself.

Happiness is something that makes you rich, you don't need to have a lot of money or a lot of people around you to be happy. As long as you've got a few or just one person around you that makes you the happiest you've ever been you're the richest person in the world.
I'm happy. I've got an amazing boyfriend and I feel good about stuff but every day isn't like this.


I created this Blog to create awareness and help people whether you personally suffer with any type of mental illness or if you know someone that does, its there to show that you can have one good day and 10 bad days but in the end whilst you still fight every day like its your last, whilst you suffer all the bad days just to have as many good days.. it will happen.
Not right away of course, but slowly things will start to change, even just a little.

I'm not saying I've been magically cured because I haven't, I still have lots and lots of bad days and I literally have to talk myself out of staying in bed hiding under my duvet all day, but it will get better. Trust me.

Ox

Wednesday, 24 February 2016

#24.

Hey lovelies! I'm so sorry for being so slack on posting, it's just been a mega hectic week and FINALLY I can write.
Let's get to it..

Trust.. it's something I don't do. Period. I trust very few people but still then I don't 100% trust them, that's probably why I don't have friends either. Don't get me wrong I've got used to having no friends, but one thing that I'd like to focus on right now is I'm not cold hearted, it does affect me not being able to go out or just talk to someone. I feel like my life and my future would be so much easier if I could be friends with backstabbers, fake ass people and slags. I wouldn't be happy but at least I'd have someone.

I, I don't mean to be difficult and honestly I don't think I ask much from people except they be honest 100% with me. I hate liars. I hate people who break promises, that gets to me more than anything.
I need honesty in my life and who knows maybe I've got to leave shit where it is.

I know this post isn't really gonna make sense because my head's all over the place so I'm sorry.

I used to have a plan of my wedding, it'd be in a barn like this book I read and it'd be fucking tiny. But I'd be happy and in love so why should it matter how many people would be there?

I'm so fucking unhappy yet I'm still smiling. fuck/.




Wednesday, 17 February 2016

#23.

Sometimes you've got to think about what truly makes you happy, if you do a job that makes you feel negative and unhappy then you've got to realise what's best for you and leave it.

I realised that although I have so so so many plans that realistically I'd love to make them happen now. But because I'd rather be happy than be stuck someone that's just a negative influence, ALL my plans are on hold well I only have one but still..

I've lost alot of people in my life, growing up, being a teenager, all that shit but I'm finally happy with having a few selective people. I know some people are gonna read this blog and be like ''well, what about me?'' but the truth is, if you don't accept my decisions, if you don't support me 100% I'm done. I'm not even that bothered about having no one because the only person you should be happy with is yourself because you're the fucking world.
Knowing your self worth's probably the most important thing to learn about yourself because if you really want to do something and you're so passionate about it and someone just basically takes a dump on it and says shit like ''oh no, that's a bad idea'' fuck them people.

Lovelies, if you wanna do anything within reason like I'm not obviously telling you to go have a joint or do a line of coke or any of that shit but do the stuff that makes you happy because at the end of the day it's YOUR life and you're the one that's got to live it and stick with your decisions, mistakes are meant to happen that's life. But you've got to be able to build yourself up and survive that bullshit.

I hope you all have a lovely night wherever you may be.

Love you allllll.

Ox

Sunday, 14 February 2016

#22.

I've been writing this blog and telling you all my story for what seems like months now, I've thanked you all a few times in my last few blogs but I feel like saying it once won't get through the way I want it too. So here goes...

Before I started writing this blog I was unbelievably paranoid, embarrassed, and I practically hated myself but I feel like writing my story that may help one of you or loads of YOU, I just don't want anybody to feel like they've got no one because in fact you've ALL got me. I can't tell you how embarrassed I was of saying I've got severe anxiety and I've got an eating disorder because I thought it showed I was weak and I was letting the people that bullied me win. But the truth is, they NEVER win. No matter whatever happens in life, no matter how much of a loser you feel you're winning!!
You're all winning now, because you can say if you're close to the end of the journey you won!! You survived something you thought you never could, do you realise how amazing that is?!!!!

It's tough, it's challenging as hell.. but you won. You beat the people who put you down for SO long, when you just wanted to end it all when it got so much and you didn't you kept strong. You won baby. I think overcoming something as powerful as mental health issues and bullies in particular should be allowed to be put on a CV because it shows how strong you are.. You're able to face challenges that you and probably everyone else thought you couldn't. That's crazy!!

I genuinely hope you're all as happy and enjoying this blog as I am because it's literally the one thing I enjoy doing when I've been hectic all week!
I'll try and do a post every day or more often than I am now, hope you're all okay!

Keep smiling and as Roman Atwood says 'Smile more'!

Ox.


Thursday, 11 February 2016

#21.

Relationships with family or friends or even with a boyfriend or girlfriend.. they don't last forever.

Nothing is forever, everyone says you should think about your future but I've got a tendency to just think about the now, because no one knows how long you've got in this life. That's why I always just go with it, no one controls my future or now but me so I wanted to just go with it and practically live happily ever after.. yeah that shit doesn't work, so honestly loves I'm done.

I'm done trying to create a bomb ass future with someone I love, I'm done tryna explain myself to everyone because they don't deserve it at all. I'm done having rants at someone for them to still not fucking understand what I'm saying.

Lovelies there's so many negative influences out there that can literally bring you right back to square one but you've really just got to move past that, you're ALL strong, no matter how weak you feel.. like right now I feel like absolute shit but I know that I don't need anyone but myself and if I'm ever in a situation where it feels like I have compete against other people for ONE person's attention, I'm just going to leave.
No matter how hard it is, I'm going to leave because you should never ever feel like you have to compete against other people, you're perfect baby. Inside and out, just because some jackass doesn't see that that doesn't mean you aren't.. it just means their just dickheads. Which you definitely don't need.

Realise your potential boo.

Ox.

#20.

I'm not obligated to wait around til the times right. I'm not obligated to stay around til you make your mind up either..

It's so hard when you want one thing to happen and the other doesn't but does that mean I should stick around til they decide they actually want me in their life forever? Nah, you're waiting around for them to decide and actually make you number 1 someone else you actually doesn't take you for granted is gonna be there. The person you were with or are currently will see that some next man is trying to get your attention, so he makes you his priority, if you aren't happy then neither is he. He actually shows he cares rather than not wanting to show because its 'embarrassing' is it though? Showing your girlfriend you love her and want to make her your number 1 or your only one isn't embarrassing or even humiliating, put it this way.. your girl she tells you she loves you. she tells you to be safe when you go out, she takes an interest in things your passionate about.
 But what does she get for it?!

She gets mixed feelings from a guy, he makes her feel one way then his actions fuck with her head. But most importantly, she realises that she doesn't deserve mixed signals from a guy who doesn't know if he's coming or going.. She deserves love, respect and honesty and what does she get? A broken heart.

One thing I hate so much in relationships is half assin shit. A hug for example, I want a proper squeeze me til I pop kinda thing not some one armed shoulder pop like I'm one of your homies.
In relationships you've got to know your self worth, and who knows.. maybe I've just found mine..

Ox.

Wednesday, 10 February 2016

#19.

Hey lovlies! Sorry I've been so slack on here recently, I just got a new job and I saw my boyfriend..

But anyway, this post is gonna be a little different and you'll all soon see why.

I'm happy. But the thing is, I want to be my own person so bad, like all I'd really like to do now is start my plan I've had for awhile now. There's only one person that knows this plan and he knows I want it so fucking bad!!!
But anyway, I'd like to say a super big thankyou to all my readers here, fuck that. Every single one of you that reads this are my friends, I literally love YOU. You give me the motivation to keep telling my story and to keep writing even when I feel like complete dog poop!! At first, I didn't have the courage to do this because I thought way too much of what people thought of me but I decided after talking with my boyfriend about this that fuck it, there's more chance of this helping people than anything, so I really really hope this has helped at least one of you!

There's two things I'm passionate about, helping others and art. When I was really ill and all I'd do is stay in my bedroom I'd just draw, skulls mostly. I draw how I feel, or what I'm feeling at the moment! I lost so so so much motivation to draw, like I lost all interest in everything. I get mega bored too, I get bored quickly, but right now I'm happy. I'm literally so happy, I've got a boyfriend who gives me the world and more and he's actually so fucking good for me!!!!

I love YOU all!!!!

Ox.

Sunday, 7 February 2016

#18.

Hey loves,
I'm back!! I took a little while off and I noticed that when I'm not writing my blog, I start feeling so down. I've shared my life with you all and I'd like to thank every one of you that still reads this because even though I stopped writing some of you kept reading and I'm so grateful.

I'm emotionally exhausted. In fact.. I've currently got tears down my face as I'm writing this so I hope it makes sense.
This is what I've told you all about, the good days are amazing even perfect. But, the bad days.. they're fucking horrible.

I hate change. Its a fact, literally I fucking HATE it. I hate going from seeing someone every week to barely seeing them once a month. I'd change it back in a heartbeat. But I can't and it breaks my heart every day. I'm insecure and having this shitty change as well as everything else that's going on is bullshit. I hate it.

Anyway, lets change the subject!
When I feel dead poopy like right now, I always think about what I want for my future and literally I want is to get married and have my own little studio and live with the person I love. All I want is commitment, I feel like sometimes I ask for too much but literally I want stability and commitment,  and as you probably can tell I want to get married. Alot. I'd like to get married young and then when I'm old and still with that person, I can be like 'Remember when it was summer and you were at mine, we'd gone to that little park an you were being a right dick on the swing so I videoed ya? Good times' the hard thing about wanting to get married at a young age is suggesting the idea to my boyfriend. Obviously he doesn't wanna be that committed just yet but I do.. like I can't think of anything better than finally be married to the person I'll be with forever, it sounds really naive but I want it, and I want it now..

It seems really stupid but the thought of waking up to my bestfriend every day, and waking up everytime I have a nightmare to see him like I really can't think of anything better in this world of any other. Who knows maybe I'm thinking of way too far into the future.

I don't even know where I'm going with this post right now, I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest because its practically killing me. I'll probably write another post later relating more to the blog.

Ox.

Thursday, 4 February 2016

#17.

It's 04:58am on a Thursday morning. I got woken up by  a nightmare I had, I know my last blog post was very positive and happy.. yet I still have nightmares of all of this. I have nightmares that the people closest to me are gonna leave. I don't think I'd be able to deal with that.

After alot of thinking and overthinking I've decided to stop posting. Obviously I'm going to leave all my other posts up but I'm taking a break from it, I feel like right now I'm abit lost and I don't think it would be right to keep telling all of you to be positive an shit when I'm not, I feel like it also isn't going to help anybody if I just kept posting about how crappy I'm feeling.

I'll keep checking just in case anyone wants to talk.

Good luck with everything and I may be back in a few months. Keep well and keep strong.
Keep fighting boo.


Ox.

Tuesday, 2 February 2016

#16.

'I found my mouth saying to other people the words I should tell to myself'


It's a really great thing to think about other people, but the thing is they aren't near enough as important as YOU. You can say they look amazing, but what about you? You can always look after them when someones broke their heart, but what about when someone breaks your heart? Who's there to comfort you, make you a nice cuppa and tell you everything is going to be okay?

You've got to think, if any of you have little brothers or sisters would you say to them what you say to yourself? Would you tell them they're ugly or fat? Would you make them cry themselves to sleep like you do?

I wouldn't let anyone feel the way I did, but I got myself stuck in a horrible fucking rut and I made myself trapped within my own head, no matter how many counsellors I'd see or no matter how many times my mum begged me to eat or even just come out of my bedroom.. I wouldn't, I wouldn't do them two things for my mum and it broke her heart, she never said that because she just wanted me to get better but I knew it. I'd obviously known that me being ill affected everyone around me too but at the time it only angered me more. I felt like, why the fuck should they feel bad when I feel like this? But the thing is, they didn't understand and people can only understand once you talk.

Talking. Communication.Something I'm fucking shit at. I'm not even bad at talking like I could talk about things I'm interested in for hours but telling someone that I feel so broken that I'd rather be gone than feel this? How are you really expected to tell that to your mum? I know you're probably reading this like she'd rather see her mum break down and shit than get better.. but that isn't the case, although it took months and months which felt like YEARS, DECADES even!! I eventually got better, not for anyone else. Although, I felt like shit that I didn't try and get better for my mum, I did it when I felt like the time was right, I did it when I felt better within myself.

Anorexia and Anxiety. They make each other worse, they never leave you, and even when you do get better they'll stay with you and when you feel low or weak they'll come out of nowhere and make you see your body and yourself in a shitty way. When you feel happy and your just sat around they'll make you over think, over think relationships, over think LIFE, They'll make you want to be ill again but baby we're stronger than that. I haven't been able to trust people, but after all this bullshit I finally feel like I don't answer that negative horrible shit. I am more than fucking anorexia, I am more than anxiety and so are YOU!!!

I'm finally happy. It's still abit of an unnatural feeling to me but I'm finally excited about waking up in a morning or afternoon haha, I'm finally happy with being weak to some people like whenever I just need a little cry, I'm actually happy to cry around my wonderful boyfriend like that sounds fucking stupid but ages ago we watched this documentary about Tyke a beautiful elephant that got killed because she lived a hell of a life, and Elephants are my favourite animal in the whole wide world and literally after I watched it I felt so sad I sat on the floor and just crieeeeeedddddddd!!!!! I'm finally in a place where I'm comfortable with my body and with people knowing the 'real' Liv.

Welcome to my happy place beautifuls.

Ox