Wednesday, 20 January 2016

#5.

For me the worst experience of this wasn't when it all happened, it was afterwards. You get so used to feeling low and bad about yourself so when you start feeling better it's the weirdest feeling EVER. Period.
When I started going back to school after the long ass period of being off school in bed waiting for Jeremy Kyle to come on with a cuppa, it scared me. Literally I'd create these scenarios in my head of me getting bullied again and it'd scare me to the point where I didn't sleep at all in the night time but when everyone else was awake I'd eventually manage to sleep til the night time. But lets be honest staying up all night on Netflix isn't exactly healthy now is it? Oh god I wish it was but it isn't and when you're sleeping all day you aren't eating healthily either, you're eating whatever is easiest out of the cupboards because you're only going to go back to bed..

I'm not going to say I miss being ill because it's quite the opposite actually but I miss the person I was before any of this happened, I miss trusting everyone and anyone, I miss being so confident that anything people said about me wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but most of all I miss being so happy that I didn't need to fake a smile at all.

I'm not unhappy don't get me wrong, but one thing these illnesses made me was paranoid. I barely trust people and when I eventually do I push them away so much by arguments I create. I get jealous too easily, I'm insecure and I'm so freaking scared.
I don't want another person to leave me because I'm like this.
 I get it, its hard for the people being with you when you feel so bad like this but always remember it's harder being the person going through this. Coming from a personal level though I feel no matter how far you think you are from getting better, you're one step closer to it no matter what you think or believe about yourself.

I'm slowly overcoming this but I don't trust people and I'm paranoid as fuck. It's crazy to think that you could be in a relationship with someone for 8 months (so far) and still think that one day they're gonna up and leave just because you find it hard, harder than most people have it.. but just remember if you got this far, you're going to feel better and so what if people leave you, yeah it'll be sad at first but if they leave when you need them the most are they really the type of people you need in your life?

Ox

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