Tuesday, 19 January 2016

#4.

TRUST. Its a word many people use in every day conversations. Do you trust yourself? Do you trust the people around you? Do you trust your boyfriend/girlfriend?
There's that saying.. ''Trust is earned not given straight away.'' but anxiety, anorexia, bulimia, any mental health illness doesn't always allow you to trust people. Some people trust too hard or trust too little, my problem was that I trusted too hard. Way too hard.

It isn't easy telling someone you're getting bullied but it's even worse when you tell one of your closest friends and they only say its 'banter'. Banter? Really? Making someone feel so horrid about themselves is banter? That's an excuse so many freaking people use to get away with saying bullshit comments about other people, and it isn't fair. I got bullied not very physically but mentally, and to be fair I think sometimes I'd of rather had a physical beating than a mental one. It's so easy to break someone down yet its near to impossible to try and fix all that's broken. Victims of bullying go through months maybe years of counselling to fix what some douche broke because they thought it was just 'banter'.

I went through a period where I was very secretive, I wanted no one to see that deep down I'm hurting. More than anyone could ever understand, How is someone supposed to understand something they've got no experience of? It's the same with eating disorders, you can't just tell someone to start eating again. It's crazy, I've seen more counsellors than someone would deem necessary and they didn't work whatsoever. All I know is the only person who can change things is me. The only person that could make me pick up a fork and eat was me. Not some crummy counsellor that spends an hour with me every fort night.

The thing is, I still don't trust anybody really. My biggest fear is letting people in, I hate being vulnerable because as I see it telling someone else your feelings, your thoughts, everything. To be honest, it's a scary thought to just tell someone how I'm feeling because I never do that. To be in a relationship with someone that never tells you how they're feeling or if something's bothering them, it must be the worst feeling in the world.. that's actually why I started pouring my feelings out. It's hard don't get me wrong, and I don't think it'll ever be easy for me to speak to my boyfriend or anyone about how I'm feeling or how hard it is to wake up every morning with this fake ass smile and no motivation.

What I'm trying to get at is, its okay if you're reading this and you're able to relate to this alot or just a little bit. It's okay to feel like the world's against you and it's okay to want to keep everything to yourself. But never ever feel like you have to answer to anybody or tell anybody how you're feeling.

You are smart,
You are brave,
You are loved.

Ox

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