Sunday, 31 January 2016

#15.

Hey guys!! First of all I'd just like to give a massive thankyou to every one of you that read's this blog, I literally pour my heart and soul into it and I'm just so grateful for all of you just checking it, etc. Right let's get into this now!

I feel like I've been in a war within myself for years, ever since I could remember to be honest. But, it's nearly the end of January 2016 and I'm done with this war. I feel like I'm trying to build myself up as a person and the only person that makes me overthink bullshit is ME! Literally, I've tried for so many years to fit in and be the person everyone likes and I only came to this sweet realisation when me and my boyfriend argued about something so trivial that I was like fuck it. I'm done not being me when I first meet someone, I'm done trying to please people because lets be honest it literally gets you nowhere at all. Ever.

When I was little and I'm sure this was the same for many of you but I wanted to get married, have kids and be rich and live in a castle (yes I wanted to be a princess, don't judge) but as I've grown older, had loads of friends and I've had none.. You don't need people around you to make you happy, and believe it or not you can be happy by yourself!!! Although I've got my family they're kinda biased, but the ONE person except family that I've got is my boyfriend. I'm not even going to say you need to be in a relationship to make you happy because you don't, me and him were friends for MONTHS before anything happened!!
Once YOU realise your self worth, you'll understand who should and shouldn't be in your life and remember boo not everyone deserves you or your friendship.

I probably still don't fit in, but the thing is I'm genuinely happy inside.. I pretended to be so happy for so long that when I did eventually get better and fix up and actually start being happy it was the most unnatural feeling for me. I think I'd of rather been ill AT THE START, but when you get continually happy you'll get used to the feeling and you'll love it. Don't get me wrong, I still have the worst of downers but I feel like the luckiest woman on Earth, I'm a really strong person and I'm so proud of how I overcame all of this bullshit!! First of all, I'm going to tell you all peoples of the internet, I've said this a few times but I'll keep saying it.. this blog is to show YOU you aren't alone, I came off anti depressants and I mean obviously consult your doctor before doing that but I needed to be free and see myself off them, its probably the best thing I did. Yeah I felt like I was going to relapse and become the shell of myself I used to be but I trust myself and I know what's good for me and what isn't..

No matter how far you are on this journey or if you haven't even started it yet its fine!!!! I'm proud of you all, because for you all to even start reading this its a step.. remember baby steps!!

'Nobody really knows how much anyone else is hurting. We could be standing next to someone who is completely broken and we'd never know. So, be kind always. With yourself, and others.'

Ox

Friday, 29 January 2016

#14.

https://youtu.be/cabK5xzIFes

We're all facing daily battles but right now, I'm ready to fight back now. No longer am I going to let my emotions be controlled on what people's perceptions of me are. I have a tendency to call people 'slags' like obviously I don't go up to people and be like 'you're a slag' I'll just be having a conversation to my boyfriend and be like people are such slags aka dickheads whatever you wanna call them, but the thing is I'm not actually as big of a dickhead as I make out, I just don't want to get close to people for them to leave me again.
I get worried that I'm gonna say the wrong thing or they're just gonna up and leave but I've got to stop being such a dick to people, because although I act like a confident person but I'm so insecure it's unbelievable.

TODAY IS THE DAY SHIT IS CHANGING.

No more am I gonna mope about when someone says someone they know fucking hates me, no more am I going to get mad over pointless shit. All of YOU control your happiness and I promise you that no matter how rocky it gets it gets so much better. Please just trust yourself, you'll feel so much better.

I'm actually really happy right now, and I'm excited about my future and I', really excited about sharing my future with my very handsome boyfriend and most of all I'm showing YOU the reader that even though you're probably in a really crappy place right now, it gets better.. so so much better.

Please never give up, I never gave up so many times when I was ill and if I hadn't of thought 'shit I'll wait and see if it gets atleast a teeny bit better'  I waited, and waited.. and FUCKING WAITED!!!! It took months, years even to get where I am now but to be honest I wouldn't change any of it. I'm stronger than I think, and I know that someone out there can relate to this and YOU boo are so much more stronger than you think!

Ox

Wednesday, 27 January 2016

#13.

You're always told as a child to respect people's feelings and all that bullshit but when you don't get respected by older more mature people then why the fuck should you respect them? You have to earn respect, it isn't something that gets given freely and easily..
Remember everyone that no matter what bullshit people say about you, or no matter how many people dislike you, they don't matter. They practically never will matter, they say stuff about you because you're obviously way happier within yourself than them miserable old bastards.

People are bitter, jealous and insecure but that doesn't mean that no matter what bullshit people say about you, you don't need to lower yourself to that bitches level. YOU are beautiful!!! You reading this, you don't need to listen to that bullshit, we're slowly on a journey and we're going to happiness baby!!
It isn't going to be easy, and hell it's going to take so much patience and it's gonna test you as a person but the most important thing is we find some inner happiness, we gotta we happy within ourselves because next time someone says some bullshit comment about you that you know isn't right you can either act like it's okay for dumb bitches to say that shit or you can actually stand up for what's right.. If you don't react to what some silly slags say then your basically letting them win unless you do better in your life than they could ever do. In my case I'd react badly, I'd do what I should of done a long time ago and actually stuck up for myself because..

YOU ARE STRONG
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
YOU DO NOT TAKE NO SHIT FROM SILLY DICKHEADS

Ox

Monday, 25 January 2016

#12.

The only person you have to love and be happy with is YOU. No matter how many endeavours you go on, no matter how many people you date, the only person you'll truly be stuck with is YOU, because come on you can be with someone for years yet you don't know if you'll grow old with them and you don't know if one day they'll wake up one day and decide you aren't enough for them..
That's the scary thing about relationships but the best relationship you can have is with yourself, so next time you look at yourself in the mirror remember these few sentences....

''I AM BEAUTIFUL''
''I AM STRONG''
''AND I AM POWERFUL''

Because YOU reading this are them things, you're beautiful.. inside and out, you're strong no matter how weak you feel and you are always powerful. No matter how powerless you feel.
I can relate with every single one of you, you aren't alone at all. I know it feels that way boo but you gotta have a little rain to get some sunshine, remember that.
This blog isn't here for me to just tell you how I coped with having severe anorexia and anxiety, it's to show you all you aren't alone but most of all it's to help you love yourself, and be happy with who you are.

It's hard, it takes time and patience but most of all you've got to put effort into this. Eating right, sleeping well and having a proper routine will help you too!
I'm always here :)

Ox

Sunday, 24 January 2016

#11.

I don't trust people, it'd be hypocritical for me to say ''trust everyone, blah blah blah'' because I hate the feeling of vulnerability. It scares me, it literally makes me physically sick to even think about trying to trust someone. ''Don't trust people 100% ever, never give someone 100% of your heart'' but thing is, when I love someone or trust or whatever I do it wholeheartedly.

I'm one of them people that can literally count on my hands how many people I trust or even like in this world, and surprisingly it isn't as many as people think.. I trust my boyfriend literally you'd be surprised at how much stuff he REALLY knows about me, I don't give a fuck what people think of me any more and honestly, it's the best thing in the world.

I don't care if some old predator says she doesn't like me or if someone related says they don't like me. Fuck em all.

I'm finally really really happy within myself and it's honestly the greatest thing I could of ever done.
This shows that even if you've faced so many difficulties in your life or you're still facing them, bin all the negative bullshit away and I literally PROMISE you you'll feel so so so much better!!

Ox

Friday, 22 January 2016

#10.

One thing I didn't bring up in my last blog is something that I only found out like last night okay so here goes..

I wasn't put on this earth to make people happy. I wasn't put here to impress other people. I'm not someone that personally gives a shit about what people think of me, I past caring when I got bullied but one thing in this whole entire world which I'll always continue to hate is two faced people.
Always in life you're going to encounter them but when people actually tell my boyfriend he deserves better, I think.. ''What the actual fuck? You're a middle aged woman that by the looks of it is a fucking predator. You practically flirt with your sons friends and that isn't weird?

But anyway enough of that negative hoe.

You don't need to feel bad for getting upset or hurt by someone dickheads opinion because they obviously aren't happy with their life whilst they're talking about a teenage boys relationship or whatever. You don't have to answer to anyone, who gives a fuck what people think about your relationship, your choices, your decisions!! It's non of their business to be honest boo.

I know people are gonna read this and be like what is this bish on, but this blog isn't only to help you guys, it's to help me too and this is my practically my online diary about mental illness, living with it and to talk about how it affects daily life. People's opinions effect me alot more than I care to admit, and this is why I'm actually kinda hurt when I get told when someone's first met me they fucking practically hate me. Like, you haven't given yourself a chance to know me so how can you place a judgement on me so quickly?

Also one last thing, if people are talking about you boo, it means you're doing something right. If they have to waste oxygen saying your name and other hateful things then they're hateful, pieces of insecure dog shit.

Have a good night.
Ox

#9.

Hey loves! So this blog is really personal to me and I really hope it's helping you, because to be honest it's to show you ALL that no matter how hard a day a day, a month, even a year.. it's always going to get better. just have patience and believe in YOURSELF.

Also, I'd just like to say thank you, to all of you reading this.. whoever you are, wherever you are, no matter what if you ever need a friend or just someone to speak too, always remember you're ALL welcome to leave a comment and I'll message you straight away..
Because lets be honest communication is one of the most important things in life, if someone makes you unhappy, tell them and talk about it!! Of course as always telling someone something that is really just bothering you is hard don't get me wrong but it's even harder to pretend everything's fine when you speak to that person.

As in alot of my blog's I've spoke of my relationship quite abit so far and I'm going to be pretty honest here.. We went through a blip, because when you've been dealing with an issue for so long by yourself it's so fucking hard to share your problems with other people especially the person you're in a relationship. How is someone supposed to know your worries, your concerns, or your insecurities and why you're so insecure when you haven't told them about it in depth? The only person that really knows is YOU and if you're wanting to move forward in your relationship you've got to feel secure and at least try to give them a chance to learn about you.

I have a rule with people, only one chance. People only get one chance with me and if they fuck up then I gotta bin them off, but there's certain times I can't stick by that because I can't forget how goddamn happy they've made me for months continuously.. Sometimes you've got to stop being stubborn and I'm not saying forgive people when they fuck up because trust me I don't and I definitely do not forget but when you love someone that's forever not until you both get bored.

Ox

Thursday, 21 January 2016

#8.

This post is gonna be a little bit different to usual, I absolutely despise the people that think just because you've got mental health issues, I try my fucking hardest to keep growing as a person and to keep being strong when everything else goes to shit. But to be quite honest when people make you start to question your own self worth that's how the fuck you know you don't need people like that in your life.

I went through traumatic years of questioning my own self worth and finally when I look in a mirror I can be like 'damn thats a bomb ass selfie' but lately shit has been so different. One minute you can have people being so happy and loving every minute your with them the next you're practically like a big pile of dog shit. And I'm sure no one wants to be a BIG pile of dog poop.

If you're insecure that's absolutely fine, you're still a human being and you don't want to be vulnerable thats absolutely fine!! But you know what isn't fine, people saying how insecure yu are when really it isn't any of there business. When you finally realise why people shouldn't be trusted it's the most heart breaking thing in the world.

It's not fucking fair.

#7.

I know one of you reading this can relate to at least one thing I've wrote so far and I hope its helping you some way, somehow whatever..

I saw a post on Facebook earlier which said 'depression/anxiety has become a fashion trend now' I'm sorry but really? In 2013 there were 8.2 million cases of just anxiety alone so imagine how big the number is with depression. Illnesses aren't a trend or a fashion statement, everyone is going through something so be mindful and respect people, even strangers.. You don't know what is in someones mind, you don't know how they're feeling. Before you decide to post a shitty comment about mental illness, learn about it!! Learn how much of a life ruiner it can be, It can literally make people kill themselves, people are dying because of some douche who said something shitty to them, is that really what you want on your conscience? You'll be the person to blame for someone killing themselves, remember that.

Its hard pretending for so long you're okay, I still go through it now. There's so many days that all I want to do is curl up in a ball and wrap myself under my duvet and pretend this day never existed, but lets say your at someones house so how can you do that without letting them know you're feeling absolutely shit? You plaster this smile all over your face, make jokes, fake you're okay until you go to the bathroom and see your face and realise there's so much pain in your eyes, you try to smile at yourself in the mirror to see if your eyes will change and they don't they just get more hurt.

Then you decide.. ''okay maybe I am better off alone'' even though your hearts breaking and there's tears going down your face. You can't let this illness break you boo. Its broken me for far too long literally ever since I got bullied I try to be the person people will like and to be honest a few weeks ago I realised that my boyfriend's mum didn't like me and he can keep saying he does until he's blue in the face but what I'm trying to get at is even if you try and be a person YOU think people like there's still always going to be a chance they don't like you and you know that's okay actually.. You don't need people to like you, or like who you're pretending to be just to impress people. 

Fuck that. Fuck people. Fuck shitty friends. Fuck shit that doesn't make you happy. The most important person here is YOU, in recovery if you're recovering from some mental health issue you've always got to have positive vibes, positive people around you and no matter what, you've always got to think positively or you're just going to go back in time baby. 

YOU are important no matter how low you feel and definitely no matter what anyone tells you.

Ox

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

#6.

This blog isn't here to show you all that recovery is easy or quick because it isn't. Its to show you that no matter how hard it gets just know that you aren't alone. I'm still struggling with my anxiety and sometimes I struggle with my eating too but I'm telling YOU all of this because this is life. Life is full of daily struggles we all need to overcome and if I can help anyone just writing this then I'll be happy.
Happy to help someone that's felt this alone too. But anyway back too it..

Have you ever felt so alone when you're in a room full of people or at a party? To be fair, I've never been one of them people to enjoy parties an what not but the one I did go too was just ugh haha. That kinda helped me realise that I've shut the world out for so long that when I do get introduced to other people I shut off, I already make my mind up about people. I always told family members I'm a 'lone ranger' but the thing is I don't want to be alone but I can't think of anything better than chilling watching Netflix, with pizza and my guy. Literally that's my idea of a perfect night.

I don't think I've mentioned this in any of my posts but I have nightmares, pretty bad ones but I never really tell people about it because they get so vivid and scary that it actually seems so freaking real. After I got bullied and lost way too much weight I had to go to a counsellor type thing but there were a few times that they had group sessions and seeing other people in the exact same position it got me real scared. I think I was kinda oblivious to how I really looked to be honest, but I guess so were a few other people.. I always wore trackies so no one could see how bad I really was. I feel so vulnerable telling people how I feel and even writing this but trust me boo once you actually write down in like a journal or a blog or anything you feel SO much better!!!

No matter how bad you feel or think you look after all this bullshit is over and you realise or discover that YOU (aka the person reading this) have so much going for you, you're more than your anxiety, you're more than your depression, you're more than your mental health problems. Remember you can't get no sunshine without a little rain.
Ox

#5.

For me the worst experience of this wasn't when it all happened, it was afterwards. You get so used to feeling low and bad about yourself so when you start feeling better it's the weirdest feeling EVER. Period.
When I started going back to school after the long ass period of being off school in bed waiting for Jeremy Kyle to come on with a cuppa, it scared me. Literally I'd create these scenarios in my head of me getting bullied again and it'd scare me to the point where I didn't sleep at all in the night time but when everyone else was awake I'd eventually manage to sleep til the night time. But lets be honest staying up all night on Netflix isn't exactly healthy now is it? Oh god I wish it was but it isn't and when you're sleeping all day you aren't eating healthily either, you're eating whatever is easiest out of the cupboards because you're only going to go back to bed..

I'm not going to say I miss being ill because it's quite the opposite actually but I miss the person I was before any of this happened, I miss trusting everyone and anyone, I miss being so confident that anything people said about me wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but most of all I miss being so happy that I didn't need to fake a smile at all.

I'm not unhappy don't get me wrong, but one thing these illnesses made me was paranoid. I barely trust people and when I eventually do I push them away so much by arguments I create. I get jealous too easily, I'm insecure and I'm so freaking scared.
I don't want another person to leave me because I'm like this.
 I get it, its hard for the people being with you when you feel so bad like this but always remember it's harder being the person going through this. Coming from a personal level though I feel no matter how far you think you are from getting better, you're one step closer to it no matter what you think or believe about yourself.

I'm slowly overcoming this but I don't trust people and I'm paranoid as fuck. It's crazy to think that you could be in a relationship with someone for 8 months (so far) and still think that one day they're gonna up and leave just because you find it hard, harder than most people have it.. but just remember if you got this far, you're going to feel better and so what if people leave you, yeah it'll be sad at first but if they leave when you need them the most are they really the type of people you need in your life?

Ox

Tuesday, 19 January 2016

#4.

TRUST. Its a word many people use in every day conversations. Do you trust yourself? Do you trust the people around you? Do you trust your boyfriend/girlfriend?
There's that saying.. ''Trust is earned not given straight away.'' but anxiety, anorexia, bulimia, any mental health illness doesn't always allow you to trust people. Some people trust too hard or trust too little, my problem was that I trusted too hard. Way too hard.

It isn't easy telling someone you're getting bullied but it's even worse when you tell one of your closest friends and they only say its 'banter'. Banter? Really? Making someone feel so horrid about themselves is banter? That's an excuse so many freaking people use to get away with saying bullshit comments about other people, and it isn't fair. I got bullied not very physically but mentally, and to be fair I think sometimes I'd of rather had a physical beating than a mental one. It's so easy to break someone down yet its near to impossible to try and fix all that's broken. Victims of bullying go through months maybe years of counselling to fix what some douche broke because they thought it was just 'banter'.

I went through a period where I was very secretive, I wanted no one to see that deep down I'm hurting. More than anyone could ever understand, How is someone supposed to understand something they've got no experience of? It's the same with eating disorders, you can't just tell someone to start eating again. It's crazy, I've seen more counsellors than someone would deem necessary and they didn't work whatsoever. All I know is the only person who can change things is me. The only person that could make me pick up a fork and eat was me. Not some crummy counsellor that spends an hour with me every fort night.

The thing is, I still don't trust anybody really. My biggest fear is letting people in, I hate being vulnerable because as I see it telling someone else your feelings, your thoughts, everything. To be honest, it's a scary thought to just tell someone how I'm feeling because I never do that. To be in a relationship with someone that never tells you how they're feeling or if something's bothering them, it must be the worst feeling in the world.. that's actually why I started pouring my feelings out. It's hard don't get me wrong, and I don't think it'll ever be easy for me to speak to my boyfriend or anyone about how I'm feeling or how hard it is to wake up every morning with this fake ass smile and no motivation.

What I'm trying to get at is, its okay if you're reading this and you're able to relate to this alot or just a little bit. It's okay to feel like the world's against you and it's okay to want to keep everything to yourself. But never ever feel like you have to answer to anybody or tell anybody how you're feeling.

You are smart,
You are brave,
You are loved.

Ox

#3.

The worst feeling is feeling trapped. Like you can't escape but you want too, sometimes you can escape certain situations, doing certain things but one thing you can't escape no matter how hard you try is your own self. You can't escape from the horrible things your minds saying to you, you can't escape yourself having certain thoughts about either wanting to hurt yourself, wishing you could end certain scenarios but sometimes you can't at all.

One thing that's stuck with me since high school, one of my teachers in this separate building said to me when I explained how I felt she said this.. ''You need to have more resilience,'' are you freaking kidding me?! I'm sure someone who can relate to this can understand where I'm coming from now. No, you don't need resilience, people just need to stop being dickheads.
You can be the strongest person in the world but after a while when someone keeps saying your fat, your ugly, your this, your that.. you're eventually going to start falling apart and it's going to get harder to pretend you're okay with this.

 Darling, you don't have to pretend at all. Ignore those bullshit words boo, you can be the strongest person in the world but that doesn't mean you deserve people feeding you lies. You are strong, you are brave and you are fucking wonderful.


Monday, 18 January 2016

#2.

The one thing I thought I needed going through all of this.. I thought I needed friends, it wasn't really a want like I didn't want friends but I needed them otherwise I'd have absolutely no motivation to do anything.
It all began in high school, it's so easy to go from being liked to disliked in literally a matter of seconds. I went from being the popular kid in school to no one liked me, at all, whatsoever. That's all I wanted really, acceptance from people my age and I never got that..

I got bullied from year 6 in primary school to year 9 in high school. I always got called 'fat' probably the thing that contributed to all of this really. When people keep saying you're fat, you're ugly, you're disgusting.. it's one of them words that sticks with you as a child, a teenager, whatever. I went from loving myself more than anything in the world to hating myself more than anyone ever could.

I'm writing my story so this never ever happens to any young children, I don't want someone to feel that low that they feel the only way out is to hurt themselves.


You're all beautiful.

Ox

Friday, 15 January 2016

#1.

On social media you always see people saying things like this.. ''Oh I'm so depressed right now, my make ups not going the way I want it too or my football team's not winning'' blah blah blah.
One thing that always annoys me, people that self diagnose themselves with mental illnesses such as: bipolar, depression, anxiety, anorexia, etc.
This is coming from someone who's lived with both anxiety and anorexia, and it sucks. Literally it freaking sucks.

To start off I'm going to tell you a little about myself, so whether this can help no one or someone, I just want people to know you aren't alone. Ever.
Hello guys and girls and all that's in between..
I'm Olivia, I'm still human and I'm still going strong, I hope you have fun on this journey with me.