Wednesday, 28 December 2016

my relationship with anxiety..

I haven't really been writing alot lately because I've had some stuff going on but I feel like this is a post I've wanted to write for so long and I've not entirely felt free from this but I feel like today is a good time to finally write about it..

My relationship with anxiety has been an extremely long one, there was a time when I'd cry at just the thought of leaving my house and then I pushed and pushed myself of course I had the help of my parents and my siblings but nobody could really force me to go out because I'd panic and I'd literally be so so scared of any place that wasn't my home.
After a while it got easier to go out and Id actually enjoy it, however if I'd go out all the time I'd be so overwhelmed because I'd need time to just be by myself..

In my last relationship we'd literally argue over going out because of course I could go to his house but actually going out to places with him was tough, he could never really understand why though and it's hard to explain something to somebody when they just don't get it. Some of the time I'd go on buses to see him and that's fine but then still people couldn't understand how I could still be anxious but really, if I had to go on two buses to see the man I loved I'd do it. I'd push my anxiety to the side and focus on seeing him in the end after it. You know, my anxiety was ridiculous when I was with him. I was so focused on him doing something bad that I could never truly enjoy the moment for what it was and I guess that's why I wanted to just stop all of this.
I didn't want to constantly be driven by this anxiety, I used to have nightmares every single night, I'd wake up crying and he couldn't understand why and neither could I to be quite honest.
I realised after it ended though that how could it have ever worked out for a long time if I didn't help myself?

I needed to help myself before I let anybody in and that's why anxiety is such a dickhead. You can be in a room full of people and still feel like the loneliest person. You feel like everybody's talking about you and you're constantly on guard, and honestly to live a life like that it's so fucking exhausting. Constantly being on edge and thinking everybody's out to get you turns you into a paranoid nervous wreck and eventually that's what I became.
I always wanted more for myself in terms of my anxiety but I thought ''Well, he's never going to leave me and he's always going to be there so I can just rely on him instead..''
Probably the worst thing I could have done, you should never ever rely on somebody unless it's your parents or family or whatever.

You get so sure that nobody's ever going to leave you and then when they actually do, you feel broken. Like you'll never be you.. you'll never be happy and you literally put yourself into such a state of panic that you scare yourself by overthinking all of this. You constantly hurt yourself by overthinking stuff you can't change and that's where I kept getting lost. I over thought about everything, I was so sure it'd never be over and essentially that relationship being over helped me.
It put me in my place and at first I just thought fuck it I'll start meeting other guys I'll be fine, and that wasn't the case at all because I felt shit when I'd come back home. I still spoke to my ex up until my birthday when he let me down again but I'm happy he did because I was so besotted with him but I knew he'd never change and him standing me up on my birthday proved that as well.

I wanted to start going out, to not be controlled by anxiety and I did start going out, well I have started going out. On one of the nights I was out I had a really bad panic attack and I had to put more effort into focusing on feeling better. Someone made me realise that I'm more than anxiety. It's a nerve wracking thought to be over anxiety because it's been with me for so long now and everytime I start to feel better, it lets me know it's still here and I don't want that constant reminder of it.

Anxiety can be numbing, making you not care about yourself and the people around you, it can make you extremely distant. I've made some shitty decisions and I take 100% responsibility for it, I was full of fear how people would react to certain things so I kept it quiet when I really shouldn't have. I've realised that good communication is needed for absolutely everything, every relationship you have whether it's a boyfriend/girlfriend or family and friends, you need to open up and talk about the things that make you happy because then you and them will have a better understanding of how you're all feeling. Recently I've lacked communication and understanding and honestly I wish I was more open with my mama. The fear of disappointing the people you love the most is what eventually makes you disappoint them more by hiding stuff.

If you all want more posts like this lemme know, I love writing about these kinda topics haha.

L x

Wednesday, 21 December 2016

this blog.

This is a personal post to all my readers out there.. so here goes..

Throughout writing this blog I've wrote about a complete mixture of things. Being in a relationship, getting absolutely heartbroken, conquering my fears etc. So once again I'm going to tell you all about a little something/someone.

The other night I had a panic attack whilst I was out, but because I'm so fucking lucky I had someone calm me down and although I was basically on the verge of crying they saved the day. I hadn't had someone that isn't family say and be genuine about wanting to help me conquer anxiety again.
I kept saying he didn't understand and that's because I was so fucking scared of him understanding, it wasn't because I think he's going to leave or anything but because I don't want pity. Literally that is the last thing I want, ever.

I haven't had many people enter my life and me feel secure and sure that they aren't a dickhead, I'm starting to feel alot less anxious and I think I was addicted to the feeling of anxiety because I was so scared of feeling anything other than anxious and overwhelmed.
I know I'm slowly going back to that outgoing person I was way before any of this and it's such a daunting feeling because I'm not used to feeling this content with how shit is.

The feeling of disappointment from my parents and my sister is something that hurts more than they realise, the look on their faces when I've fucked up like recently I know my decisions could have been alot better but it's hard. It's hard when I'll wanna go out everyday and because they aren't used to that they get really worried
about me and I wish shit was different. I know I don't make shit easier but idk.

We hit 18 thousand + views on this blog earlier and I'd just like to say how grateful I am for every single one of you that takes the time out to read this, I wanted to create this because I'm probably the most closed off person but I love writing and I enjoy writing about things I'm extremely passionate about. Writing about things like this which mean so fucking much to me has helped my anxiety too, it's like this big weight is slowly getting lifted off my chest and getting up in a morning is starting to get easier..
I'm writing this because it's almost Christmas, and it'll soon be ONE year since I started writing and thinking about this entire year is crazy to me, there's so many people who were in my life this time last year and now there's new people that I never thought I'd have in my life. (WHICH I'M EXTREMELY GRATEFUL FOR.)

I'm gonna add pictures from this year that have made me so fucking happy now, so enjoy.

Have a wonderful Christmas and stay positive.

If you ever wanna talk -
INSTA - livnizzzle_
TWITTER - LiVNiZZZLE

L x 



MY sister..

This is my sister..

You're one of a kind. 
You have the kindest heart, you're literally the most selfless person I know. 
This is my sister Jade. She's my older sister which means she's over protective as fuck and it does get crazy annoying. 

However, she's one of the loveliest people.. shit hasn't been easy for her at all but she's not let anything get her down. She's dealt with a ridiculous amount of stuff, stuff which I know I couldn't deal with as well as she has.

She's stayed up with me when I've been crying over some lame ass boy and she's been there when I've been so happy I could cry. I'm writing this now with a huge smile on my face.
She doesn't always understand but she tries her absolute hardest to try, I haven't always been the best little sister and I know her dealing with my shit as well as her own has been ridiculously tough on her too, more than I realise.


Of course we don't agree on everything and we do have a fuck tonne of arguments but this girl is truly a fucking gem. She is a one of a kind, and I couldn't be any happier she's my sister. 
I told her I'd write a post about her ages ago so I'm sticking to my promise now. 

Now Jade,
I love you more than words can ever explain. I'm proud as punch to have you as my sister, you're the best thing and I love ya.

Don't you ever go changing for anybody because you're beautiful, you have the kindest soul and I know you're going to make someone so fucking proud to have you because I'm proud to be related to you.

L x





relationships..

Being in a relationship with your bestfriend sounds amazing. I want to be with someone I just click with, who accepts all my weird little quirks and the random outbursts of whatever bullshit I come out with.

I've allowed myself to be unhappy, constantly anxious about how someone feels about me or if they're going to leave. But the truth is eventually everybody leaves you, you've just got to find someone that makes you feel less worried they're going to leave.
 I used to plan everything like in my last relationship I planned that at a certain I'd get married, have babies, etc. I realise how pressurizing that is now but I planned everything because I thought he'd leave so if we'd have all these plans he couldn't and that's so fucked up, I know.

I've allowed myself to be in a state of panic, paranoia and fear. I was so scared everybody around me would leave me that I never truly enjoyed every last second I spent with these people and I regret that massively. However, I'm extremely secure with the people I'm currently spending my time with and I cannot stress anymore that you really just have to let go of the people that make you second guess yourself constantly.
I'm genuinely happy, like I'm so content with how things have turned out. There's people that have really just made me happy. There's some people that have made effort and tried to understand me, some of them even read this so you'll know who you are.

I thought I'd never be able to get over Rhys and honestly I have. I thought I'd still be pining over him, we were good together but so so much better apart. That heartbreak taught me alot and it changed my perception and outlook on things. I have to allow myself happiness and that's what I'm finally doing, I'd have nightmares EVERY single night it'd usually be something fucked up but now.. I'm going to sleep with a smile on my face every single night and I couldn't be anymore prouder with myself for finally letting myself be happy.

.... to be continued.

Monday, 19 December 2016

Change your outlook..

Hey guys, I hope you've all had an awesome week.. as it's practically the start of the week I thought I'd do a real positive feel good post since my last couple were pretty deep..

So, last week my feelings completely changed about everything. If I've had one day that'll completely change my mood for the whole week and I literally let ONE bad day ruin an entire week when I could have been so productive. I let these negative thoughts run round and round in my head and essentially I drive myself crazy by overthinking shit I can't change and I really have to change that about myself.

I know this is something other people can relate too as well and I want to change how people feel about themselves in that sense too, you can NEVER ever let anxiety, depression, bad days, whatever else control your life because you'll get constantly stuck in a rut and essentially the only person you're hurting is yourself. I always used to think people would leave me and I'd be left on my own and it'd literally give me nightmares every single night until I left what scared me.
You cannot stay in situations or relationships, friendships whatever if it scares you. If you get so scared to the point you don't allow yourself to feel 100% happiness. And it's not essentially the other persons fault, it's just how you feel about them.

Don't let shady characters in your life make you feel less than you are because you're all worth the absolute world, however we as humans always settle for less than we deserve because we're scared of being alone. LOVE who you are, because YOU're beautiful, YOU're important, YOU're worth it.

Tell yourself every single day that and soon enough you'll start to believe it. Trust me on this one.

More positive posts coming soon..

L x


Sunday, 18 December 2016

I have to get this off my chest..

Pain changes people more than you can ever realise, you can go through life this happy go lucky person and it can take one thing that happens in your life to change all of that.

I'll be honest, I have major trust issues and I barely trust anybody. That doesn't mean they're shitty people or anything because some people emphasis on the SOME are really awesome people but because shitty people have fucked me over, stampled all over my heart and act like their shit don't stink then that's the main reason for my trust issues.
This post was gonna be about changes and how people can change you but shit, it's ending up to be a rant so enjoy..

People can be really fucking shitty and I hate that. This relates to one of my last posts massively, you can't control how someone treats you, as much as you wish you could you honestly don't know 100% how someone feels about you and that's whats kinda scary about being in relationships to be quite honest, for me it is anyway.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think badly of relationships I just feel like truly what's the point in them if at the end of the day you're just going to get fucked over and be upset about it. I used to be constantly anxious that shit would fuck up and in the end it did, I learnt how to be completely secure and something I realised whilst learning that was that I wasn't secure in my last relationship.

I'd have such a bad feeling he was going to fuck up and when shit was too good to be true he did fuck up, and there's probably more he hasn't told me but I don't care anymore, like honestly what's the point in caring about shit you can't change? I'm not with him and with how everything's turned out I'm glad I'm not with him. It's kinda funny really, I've changed my outlook on everything, yet he's constantly getting fucked up because he'd rather be completely high on some of the worst drugs than face his actual feelings and that's quite sad.

Before my birthday he'd convinced me he would be there, and everything would change. The day before my birthday he said he'd be there too. On my birthday, I had no messages telling me he wasn't coming, I waited for hours for him to come and he didn't. I was literally sat on the floor gaming looking out the window like a little kid waiting for Santa. It was when he stood me up on my birthday that I realised I had to truly let go of him, he'd let me down again and quite frankly I couldn't keep crying over him. He'd act like shit was gonna be fine after he sorted himself out, he was off drugs for a week or two and then he got bored of trying to better himself. If it wasn't hard drugs I'd have to accept it but it was hard drugs and I knew he was way too good for that shit.

It's close to being Christmas now and I'm honestly happy. It took so fucking long for me to be in a place where I can genuinely say I'm proud of the way things are going right now, it hasn't been easy not having my bestfriend around but it was such a one sided relationship. I'd give my all and in return I wouldn't get much back well that's what happened up until now.

I'm not sure if he'll read this or his family will but if he or they do -

 Good luck with everything, and I hope you're happy. You letting me go was probably the best thing you did for me and although I miss you and your dog, it's time to stop talking about you now.

L x






Saturday, 17 December 2016

HELP!!!

When I was ill and struggling I refused to talk to anyone because I feared being vulnerable and I didn't know if people would understand me. So because of that I went without telling people I was hurt and struggling until obviously my mama put 2+2 together and shit started to make sense.

There's this really awesome website ...  www.yourhope.io  and I'm super excited to share this with you all. If you're struggling and you just need to talk to somebody, anybody but people you know then this is probably going to help and save you massively.
You can talk anonymously and there's people who want to help and listen to your feelings and the stuff that's bothering you, there'll be absolutely no negativity and it's all about helping people that need it.

It gets released in 2017 and I think it's going to help so MANY people especially the younger generation, suffering through this.

Honestly if there was something like this when I was younger maybe I wouldn't still be struggling now but I'm here to raise awareness of mental health and stop people from suffering alone. I know how lonely and daunting it can get to fight a constant battle by yourself and you want to talk but you just can't because there's this fear of people knowing your struggling, it's okay to not be okay sweetheart.

There's still this HUGE stigma around mental health, like people physically need to talk about it however there isn't a huge number of people willing to listen and that's why I think this website is such a great idea, people commit suicide every single day because they're suffering and sometimes the pain just gets far too much for them to deal with and I find that to be so freaking heartbreaking, people just want someone to listen and understand and sometimes people just aren't willing to understand.
This website will help educate people on issues such as bullying, anxiety, suicide, just mental health in general and I think that's why I'm so excited for this site to be released. We need more people to truly educate themselves on a topic like this because there's so many suicides that happen because people can be ignorant about it.


I'm so privileged to be able to tell you all about this, it makes me so happy that this is becoming available for people in need.

www.yourhope.io 

- - - - - -  - - - - - - - - -  - - - 


I'll let you all know more when it comes out and when it's closer to the time of release, I just wnated you all to know a little abit about this site etc.

ThankYOU for reading!


pain changes people.

Pain has a way of changing people tremendously, you could be the chillest person until ONE thing  fucks you over or you get heartbroken and you literally change as a person.

The way my last relationship ended it had absolutely broken me, I was so hurt and so angry over losing my bestfriend for such a shit reason I took my pain out on other people. I know that's such a shitty thing to do but the saying hurt people, hurt people made sense then. I was constantly thinking maybe I coulda changed how I acted towards him, maybe I coulda been better but honestly none of what he did was my fault. I've realised that now too, you give someone your absolutely EVERYTHING and they can just drop you like it means nothing, peoples actions can be pretty fucked up.

However, after blocking him on everything and deleting all the pictures and everything else of us.. it became easier. I do miss my bestfriend don't get me wrong but things happen for a reason and I'm glad it happened then rather than after we got more serious. But anyway, it took me so long to finally actually realise that I don't need to rely on him or anybody else to be my main form of happiness because I can make myself happy.

People take themselves for granted far too much, and it's such a shame because there's nobody in this world that can love you as a person and more but yourself and if you don't show yourself the same amount of love you show other people, other people will show you the same amount of love that you show for yourself and you'll be treated badly because of it.
How you present yourself to the world allows others to know how they should treat you, and I know it's a really shitty thing to do but it's true.

Now, I'm happy and I'm more focused on keeping my head straight like I no longer want to get wrapped up into someone else's bullshit.. I no longer want to be surrounded by negative sources because honestly I'm really better than that, so is everybody else really. You can't strive for a positive lifestyle when you're always constantly consumed by so much negativity.

I'm going to be honest now, when my relationship ended I decided "fuck it." And I literally wanted to change, I wanted to become a better version of myself however the person I was in a relationship with went and did a complete 360* and although it really fucking sucks to see someone you adored put themselves through hell and back because they'd rather get fucked up than face their feelings but I had to let go and I'm currently leaving that behind.
That relationship was with my bestest friend in the whole entire world, we had some really amazing memories which of course I'm not going to forget but I've changed, so has he and he's absolutely nothing like the man I fell in love with and I've dealt with that.

Everybody who reads this blog has their own little story and I want to inspire and encourage people to want more. More for yourselves, more in life, NEVER settle for less than you deserve because you're only stopping yourself from your own happiness basically.

Friday, 16 December 2016

i don't know..

I'm not entirely sure where this post is gonna go but yeah..

The other day I met someone and I don't mean I'm in love with him or anything because I'm not but for the past few days I've really been working on myself and just really focusing on what makes me happy and I haven't need to rely on anybody to make me happy because I make me happy and that feels so fucking good.

But anyway, he sounds like me and because I'm northern as fuck and living where I do it's a completely different so to hear an accent that's so similar to mine was great, he's going back home today and well it's been great and I kinda already know it's not going to be the last time I see him but it kinda sucks haha..


I always used to hate going out literally I'd get so anxious about doing it and I just would majorly freak out but for the past couple of days I've been going out constantly and I'm so at ease with myself and it feels so good to finally be able to say I'm genuinely happy. I'm meeting new people and feeling confident in who I am as a person. It's kind of a miracle to be honest because I always thought I'd just be me on my own all the time and although my own company doesn't scare me or anything, I like going out with people and then spending my own time gaming. It makes me far too happy haha.

Anyway, there's currently a little something in the works for this blog so keep a watch out, thanks for reading and i love you!

have a fabulous day x

Thursday, 15 December 2016

RELATIONSHIPS!

Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in a couple days, I've been ridiculously busy but I have a crazy amount of posts coming up in the next few days so please keep an eye out for that!

As you can tell by the title I'm writing about relationships, it's something I'm highly opinionated on so yeah, lets get to it..

 I'm not someone that can have short term relationships, I always go into a relationship thinking ''Yeah, he's gonna be the man I marry, blah blah blah.'' However it doesn't end that way. Since writing this entire blog for alot of it I have only wrote about being with one person. I wrote way too much about him and then because of that I had to write about when we ended too, you all know how fucking hard that was for me because I was literally heartbroken.
BUT, I've come to realise that I have to focus on myself more than I did.. I have to really look after myself because I can get really stuck in a negative mindset, it affects my anxiety so so badly if I do.

I'm not really interested in someone just being occasionally in my life, I've got to the point where I'm if I'm not interested in you as anything more than friends I'd just be upfront about it really.
I'm not into no childish shit like I don't play games in relationships, quite frankly there isn't any point in it because at the end of the day somebody is always going to get to hurt.

To be honest, I'm just at the point where right now whatever happens relationship wise or not I'm just happy. I'm truly allowing myself to be happy and I'm so so grateful for the people around me that have helped me with that too..
In one of my last posts I wrote how alot of things would change on my birthday and so so so many things did!! I didn't see who I thought I would but that was probably the best thing really for me, I've had the pleasure of being able to speak to so many awesome people and the things that once broke me I'm kinda glad they did because otherwise I'd never have met the people I have and I'm pretty lucky for that.

The next few posts are going to up very shortly so watch out for that,

thanks for reading!!

Monday, 12 December 2016

untitled.

The problem with society these days is that everybody falls in love with the words people tell you, promises people make to you that eventually turn out to be bullshit but everybody's gotta realise it's the actions that matter. You can't sit at your computer posting how you're this big campaigner for mental health yet do nothing about it.

If you want to make a change in this world you gotta be the change, you gotta envision that the change is gonna happen and then it shall. There's only one person stopping you from doing anything in this world and that's YOU. Instead of always using the words 'I am' negatively about yourself, how bout you all say this?

''I am powerful.''
''I am strong.''
''I am healthy.''
"I am worth it."
"I am IMPORTANT."

Just because you've got negative influences around you that doesn't mean you have to be stuck in their mindset, if you keep telling yourself ' I am overweight, I am ugly, I am broke' then you'll get in this bad habit of being like fuck it, I'm ugly and fat and broke anyway. When I was ill I didn't give a fuck about anything, especially myself. I didn't care how I looked or what people thought of me because I knew it was obvious that I was ill anyway so eventually after me hiding it for a while I stopped caring, and that's the lowest you can go.

I was always bothered about my appearance before I got ill, I'd always do my hair and my make up an all that jazz. But I just stopped, and at that point of my life I literally hated myself and I'd given up on myself.

BUT one day I had this fire inside my heart and I'd decided I don't wanna give up on me anymore, I want more than just this for myself so I fought back. I conquered alot of my demons, I slowly recovered from anorexia.. although alot of the time I did have setbacks but I still continued to fight because I knew I was alot stronger than this and I wasn't ever going to let anorexia or anxiety beat me.

Never give up on yourself because the only person that can and will ever fight for you is yourself, and I know it's so so fucking hard to get out of that negative mindset about yourself. When I was ill my family would ask me if I'd start to try and eat more for them and I just didn't have it in me. Never be afraid of the struggle because the struggle has to happen before the sunshine appears.

And now, I'd just like to thank each and every one of you that has read this blog because this has helped me overcome so so many things and I hope it's helped you all too. When I first started reading I thought nobody would be interested or would read it but we're at almost 15 thousand views and I'm so fucking proud of how far we've all come with this. Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, mental illness in general isn't an easy thing to deal with especially if you're dealing with it on your own as well.
This blog is my safe place, I write when I'm sad, when I'm happy and I hold absolutely nothing back. So I hope that whoever's reading this now feels like they're not alone because no matter where you are in the world, no matter who you are.. you ALWAYS can get in touch with me because you have me.

ThankYOU all for reading this again, and I appreciate every single one of you.

contact meeee! -

email - livnizzzle@gmail.com
twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
instagram - livnizzzle_

xxx








/.

Do you ever meet someone that literally makes you just not feel anything but happy?

Well, I met someone in super weird circumstances but they're actually a really great person. On the evening of my birthday that's when we started talking and straight off the bat he made me laugh, like I felt ridiculously comfortable and that shit is new to me because I never do that. I never feel that at ease with somebody and it really surprised me.

I'm starting to allow myself to meet new people and you know it's never going to be something that just comes naturally for me but I literally felt so in my element and that's just kinda overwhelming for me because I've never met someone that makes me feel like that, ever.
After I saw him like I couldn't stop smiling because for the first time in months I was truly content,
With the way shits gone recently I just needed to allow myself to be free of the shit that bothers me and I did that yesterday, which feels like an absolute weight off my chest too.

I really enjoyed myself yesterday and I'm glad I gave myself that opportunity to meet someone new because we laughed alot, we got to know each other and really it was great, plus he's got extremely cute dogs so that's always a bonus.

I'll admit, I was extremely fucking anxious about meeting him but as soon we spoke I was just at ease, like I'd known him for longer than like what 3 days? I didn't really have any anxieties going round my head and I haven't felt like that for a very long time with somebody and although it was a dead odd feeling cos I haven't actually felt like that, it made me really just want to stop letting my anxiety get in the way of absolutely everything (which I do)..

I'm actually genuinely happy I met him, although he's a douchebag, he's a funny douchebag so it works.

YAY for conquering anxiety!!

Sunday, 11 December 2016

recently..

Recently I've had to deal with alot more shit than I thought was possible, so ima cut it down for you guys..

It was my birthday a couple days ago, I literally had the best birthday EVER. I allowed myself to be happy, like truly happy and I'll be honest I haven't felt true pure happiness like that in a while so it felt real fucking good. I gamed for a while then went out with my family and for one whole night I felt so anxiety and it felt so fucking freeing.
Having your every being consumed by anxiety and depression on the daily is fucking exhausting but I didn't want that for my birthday so I somehow pushed it to the back of my mind.

Having to let go of people that are so far from wanting help is the hardest thing to do and I had to do that as well. I know I said I'd never give up on the people I love the most but.. what about me? I'm giving my absolute everything to a person that doesn't care, and I had to let go. You can't save people that don't want to be saved but I did tell absolutely everything I knew about what that person was doing to his dad. It honestly breaks my heart the way it all turned out because when you see so much potential in somebody and they just take themselves for granted, it sucks.
On the night I let go of him, I lost my bestfriend again and it hurts more and more everytime that happens.

And then there's just a little something I want to say directly the Li, I think you're truly the best thing in the world and I know I've pushed you away tonight but just please know it isn't something I wanted to do because I'm hurting beyond belief. You are the light in the dark for me and you don't realise how much I value and appreciate you. You've been there for me when I've cried so much I look like a lil baby seal and you've been there when I've been crazily happy. You're the bets thing in the world and some girl is going to be so fucking lucky to have you.

And now.. honestly I don't know. I was really happy today and my emotions have hit me like a tonne of bricks basically. I just wish I would allow myself to be happy for once.

Sunday, 4 December 2016

....

I want the whole world to know how I feel about you, I want everybody to be able to see how much of a power couple we are, I want people to see how fucking in love with you I am.

Its never going to be easy, but its ALWAYS going to be absolutely worth it, you're always going to be worth it.. no matter how fucked up shit gets, you'll always be the man I see myself growing old with. I'm not going to mention any names or anything but ima be real with you guys...

For a while shit hasn't been easy, I've been trying and trying to keep on top of things when everything has just seemed to fall to shit. There's people that are very reliant on me so although there's days where I just wanna cry my eyes out and watch RuPaul's drag race, I'm not essentially allowed too.

I've rewrote this post twice now because there's so much I really want to say but there's alot of stuff that is incredibly personal, and I'll be honest there's alot of stuff that I haven't wrote about purely for the fact I'll have to really think about the issue in the first place and right now it's best to just avoid it..

When my relationship broke up, I wrote 4/5 posts literally a week or two later talking about moving on and all that bullshit and that wasn't fair. I was so bothered about putting posts up and everything that I didn't give myself a real chance to look after myself properly, I'd go out and spend the day with someone and that'd be fine til I got in my room and I just felt like crying.

It's 4 days til my birthday and I'm happy.

Happy in the sense that I have real amazing people around me and literally last night I just vented to a really genuine person and he made me realise that I allow people to effect me in such a negative way and that's kinda where I have to change my mindset.. and this is something I've let affect me for so long now that I'd kinda become oblivious to it til he said something and I woke up this morning with a completely different mindset.
I feel like throughout this whole blog I've been telling you guys how truly important you are but on the bad days I have I forget to remind myself just how important and needed I am, and that's definitely something that has to change, definitely.

I feel really happy with the choices I've made so far, it's been fucking exhausting but it's definitely been worth it and I wouldn't change any of it. I'm rather looking forward to my birthday, kinda nervous but so so excited for it too. Shit is definitely going to be changing on that day, if shit goes to plan.


i love you :) xx


Friday, 2 December 2016

anxiety prt 2

Hey guys! A while ago I did a post entirely just about my anxiety and how bad it can get and I figured I'd just do a lil update on that since alot of shit has changed so yeah!

PS - this little bit is dedicated to the one person/two people that commented on two of my most popular posts, I literally only saw them Friday and it was the sweetest thing EVER! I'll check more frequently now if anybody comments but I really appreciate every single one of you that takes the time out to read my blog, I've wrote about such personal things and I'm very appreciative of you all.

To be quite honest, I very rarely speak to people or even message them first so if I ever messaged you first then you have to be real special haha! I feel like I've become more closed off now than I was when I wrote my last post. I became very reliant on this one person so when they weren't there I was stuck. I didn't ever wanna get outta bed or just do things that were fucking hard anyway.
But I didn't want to be crying over that and be crying about my anxiety as well so I decided to change my attitude to absolutely everything.

I was scared of saying what was really on my mind because if I barely understand myself then who else is going to actually be able to understand me and why I am the way I am? I spent some time working on myself and I've met some shitty people in this time but I've met some really awesome people too and I've realised that I don't need anybody else to understand me, I just need to work on myself and realise I'm better than I give myself credit for. I've let so many people just walk all over me because I've been scared they'd just leave me and that's stupid.

A ridiculous amount of people have left me, and I'm not gonna say yeah I'm used too it but I get that things happen and people change so if people just wake up and decide they don't want you in their life anymore you can't fight for them to stay. Because one day your bestfriend might genuinely need you there and you have two choices, be there or don't talk to them.

Anyway I went slightly off topic there but I hope it kinda made sense..

I'm an extremely closed off and shut off person, there's some days where I want to just crawl under my duvets and just die and there's others were I want to do my hair and my make up and just convince myself ima be okay.
Anxiety is my worst enemy but there's so much more to me than it, it's been a very big part of my life and it's played a very big role in my life too but this shit doesn't define me.

I don't want this to be how people see me, I don't want people to pity or give me sympathy because I fucking hate that. My anxiety is shit, it can just come out of nowhere and I'll suddenly just feel like crying but all I want is for someone to understand me.



Tuesday, 29 November 2016

thoughts..

For months which soon turned into years I was so consumed with my anxiety, I let it consume every inch of my being. Instead of being this fun loving person, I became this introverted person that could barely look at mirrors because I hated myself and everything around me.
I wouldn't reply to anyone if they'd messaged me, I didn't care about myself so why the f would I care about anyone else?

As I slowly pushed myself out of my comfort zone I felt more at ease within myself, I built myself up to the point where I'd wanna talk to other people, I'd want to look at myself because I knew I was the bomb.com...
I loved the idea of always going out with friends and meeting new people but it wasn't exactly my favourite thing to do, I was in a relationship with someone who in that sense was the complete opposite of me, he wanted to go out alot and do all that shit yet he never told me and it just bothered him.

It's been a while since it ended and ALOT has happened, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it or anything but I was literally broken, my absolute everything got taken away from me and I didn't know how I'd cope or be able to continue this blog. Yeah I was going to stop writing on my blog and just write in my journals instead, somehow I found my inner bad ass bitch and decided I'm better than that.
I didn't want to stop writing on here or anything but I had noone to ask if this was a good post or if I should add more to it like it was just me and I'm my biggest critic and that sucked.

I rushed into alot of things after it ended and it was extremely obvious, I had 101 emotions constantly going around and around in my head, I was hurt and angry and I was trying to feel how I did with him but just without him. For the first day, holy fuck I came back home so happy with literally the biggest smile on my face until it came to like 3am and I couldn't sleep, he was constantly in my head like whenever I thought about him and us I literally got choked by my own tears.

It took alot for me to be in the mindset I'm now in, it took every little bit of strength I have. Don't get me wrong I'm still hurting but it's manageable.

But what I realised going through all of that is that what we had was real, that's why it hurt. The problem with people is though that life is far too short, and to be quite honest I'd go through that pain all over again if I had real 100% love because it'd be completely worth it. People become too scared of the risk of it not working so they don't try it, whether it's someone in your life or something you're really fucking passionate about. Do it, because when you're alone and thinking you'll be left with what ifs and regrets.

Don't give up on the people or things you love.

Monday, 28 November 2016

WHAT DOES SUCCESSFUL MEAN TO YOU?

SUCCESSFUL

What does success mean to you?

You have a great career which you love? You're earning alota money doing something you love? 

Successful to me means being able to get up outta bed every day when all I wanna do is hide under my duvet and never come out. When the world keeps knocking you down and you get up and keep fighting for yourself. 
I've had so many opportunities to give up on myself and everything I love, and I'll be honest I was going to just give up on everything until I had this one voice in my head telling me 'Just keep going, you're better than this.' and I thought fuck this, I don't give up. 

Successful to me means being able to continue to smile when you feel like crying, to continue to help people even when you're struggling. There was a point in my life that I refused to go into high school, I wouldn't go out unless it was to the doctors or the hospital, I'd barely even leave my room so the progress I've made from that to now is incredible. 

For everyone that feels like they just wanna be successful, I genuinely wholeheartedly believe YOU ARE. To still be continuing to progress after life has thrown absolutely everything at you, that just shows you're so so much stronger than you believe. 

If you'd have asked me a month after I started writing this blog if I'd still be here writing almost a year later, I'd be like fuck no. Absolutely not. But just writing this blog helps me just as much a I hope it helps you, it feels so good to be able to write about the things that continually go round and round in my head. 

I always believed that I'd always be this person that was always analyzing everything about food, yet here I am a couple years later and I'm slowly becoming less bothered about what I eat. When I do have bad days I'll scrutinize myself and wish I looked completely different but one thing YOU always no matter have to remember is that YOU are special, no matter how shitty your day is or no matter how bad you're feeling you're fucking beautiful and if you look in the mirror and tell yourself this..

'I AM BEAUTIFUL/HANDSOME AF'
'I AM FUCKING EPIC'
'I AM GREAT, AND I'M MOST DEFINITELY WORTH IT'

Then slowly you'll start to believe it, like if you could speak to yourself when you were little would you say to that little girl or boy that they're fat, ugly, whatever? No...?
Then don't say it to yourself because you're hurting yourself more than you realise, once you get it into your head that you ARE the bomb then you'll feel it and I can promise you that everybody around you will notice a change on the outside too. 

--
talk to meeee!
my personal snapchat - livnizzzle
twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
email - livnizzzle@gmail.com


L xxx 

 

Friday, 25 November 2016

WHAT i'M THANKFUL FOR!

This is gonna be dedicated to whoever's mentioned so let's get started...

I'm thankful for MYSELF, I'm thankful that I didn't give up on me. I had so so many chances to just give up on myself and end it all but I kept fighting and I'm a warrior for doing so. There



were so many moments that I'd just barricade my door and genuinely just think, think

of the future, thinking how I'd end it all but there was this little voice of me and it felt like it was an older version of myself telling me it'll be okay in the end and I trusted myself.


I'm thankful for my MAMA, I'm thankful that when I couldn't fight or speak up for myself she was my voice. She's never ever given up on me and for that I'm grateful. I'm thankful that she never forced me back into school and she let me take everyday at a time. She continued to fight for me even when school tried making me go in, she took me to every single doctors appointment, counselling session and even when I had to go to hospital.. she was always there holding my hand.

I'm thankful for my brother's girlfriend, when it comes to my brother I'm protective obviously not to his face but he's my bestfriend. He always tells me how it is especially if I've made a crappy decision (which is alot of the time). But seriously, she puts up with him singing at the top of his lungs. It's bad because he thinks he sounds great.. he doesn't fyi. But if she puts up with him doing that then she must be great.

I'm thankful for my BESTFRIEND,  he cared and loved me when I didn't love myself. He taught me how it felt to be loved and love, for so long I'd felt like I was this broken fragile person and he made me realise I'm stronger than I give myself credit. He taught me how it felt to be truly loved, and he also taught me how it felt to be truly heartbroken. I didn't realise that sort of pain existed until it happened and it literally felt like my heart was broken, I couldn't function properly and it's a pain you can't even describe, you literally have to go through it to know what I'm talking about.
But he is my bestfriend and you don't give up on the people you love and I never gave up. Never will either. He was patient with me and made me open up, I was so shut off yet he made me open up to him with such ease and I doubt I'll feel that comfortable with another person but him.

There's two people that I'd just quickly like to mention too that I'm extremely thankful for my sister Jade aka buttface and Liam aka Mr J.

If you weren't mentioned it's because there's a ridiculous amount of people I'm thankful for. But know you're appreciated.

OH AND BEFORE I FORGET, I'M THANKFUL FOR THIS BLOG - I've met so many amazing people from writing about mental health, all the people I've spoken too on twitter, I appreciate you!

L x

Tuesday, 22 November 2016

untitled part 2.

I'm overwhelmed. It's almost my birthday and I've been thinking about the last couple of months. It's felt like for a while now I've just been numb to any emotions like I'm living but I'm not actually enjoying the moment.

I've felt like I'm in a daze state constantly, like I'll smile if everybody else is happy around me but it's a forced unhappy smile that leaves me in a state of whatever. How can I tell people I feel like this when I just don't understand, I can't seem to convince myself I'm happy or the shit I'm doing makes me happy.
Everything feels like one big mess and I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to be happy and it really sucks.

These past couple of months have just seemed like a complete blur, it's almost my birthday and I was so fucking excited for it, I really was. I'm not saying I need love or friends or any of that bullshit because I don't, but I expected to have my bestfriend with me and I doubt that'll happen.

It sucks because I always find myself contemplating the worst shit imaginable, I don't fear alot of the shit I feared, I mean I'm still shit scared of the dark but I doubt that's gonna change anytime soon, but the things I should be afraid of, I'm not. I'm scared of the affects after.
How can I ever expect someone to understand me when I don't understand myself? My mind is a complete mess full of emotions, happy, sad, hurt, angry.

Someone told me that I'm really disengaged an all that bullshit, and they're probably right actually. I don't make the effort with people, why the fuck should I? All people have done is fuck me over, the one person I just wanted to love me, broke my heart, so why the fuck should I bother? I know that mentality is stupid and pathetic but really, my bestfriend left me, all my other friends fucked off an people don't even bother to get to know me before assuming why I'm like this.

All I want is for someone to understand me, like is that honestly too much to ask for?

I'll try and put more effort into posting and being more active on my blog.

L.

Sunday, 20 November 2016

21st November 2016

It's currently half 3 in the morning, I've been tossing and turning for hours til I've just given up on the idea of sleeping for now anyway, I feel like I just have to get stuff off my chest so I'm sorry if half of this makes no sense whatsoever.

I have absolutely no motivation to do anything, for the past couple of days I literally haven't given a fuck - I hadn't been wearing make up so I went from doing my hair and make up every single day to just choosing to be in oversized tee's.

Last night I had possibly the worst nightmare I've had so far, and I'm gonna share it with you all..

So, I'm not sure who's house this was at or anything but I'd kept getting messages and calls from an unknown number, I wake up one day and I'm surrounded by needles.. kinda like that scene outta saw but there were so fucking many needles and for some reason I was barefoot and I was so scared of them touching me or actually getting into my blood.. I saw a man with this mask on but it looked so realistic and I was trying to fight my way outta this but at one point before I woke up I just gave up.
My phone eventually woke me up but I was so petrified.

I know I have so many people around me that love and care for me and I speak to alot of people that genuinely care for me but I'm so fucking lost, I'm so privileged to be able to blog and do what I love but I'm so fucking lonely man.
I've been thinking about my future and what I actually want to come from it, I spoke to someone about what I wanted for my future, I told someone my biggest regret, it's funny because in the long haul it probably woulda been really bad but in the moment it'd have been really fucking awesome.

I feel like such a fucking wetwipe right now, I keep so so much bullshit in so nobody else has to worry or think about my problems and then on nights like this it'll all just come out and hit me like a ton of bricks. I hate feeling this vulnerable yet I hate feeling this constant numbness that has become a daily feeling now.

I feel like I'm genuinely broken, I put on such a facade that the people I do talk too won't even notice and I'm grateful to myself because when someones asks 'how're you feeling? had a good day?' them type of questions, how am I supposed to respond? Do I say that I feel like absolute fucking shit and the days are just getting worse and it's becoming more of a struggle now? WHAT THE F DO I SAY?

I have this guy on snapchat and he said he'd like to see more of my smile because he liked it but I can't constantly fake these smiles like honestly, if any picture looked anything remotely to how I feel it's gotta be this one. I feel this constant sadness that I doubt anyone could ever understand.

I miss my bestfriend, that's getting notably worse too. It's like everyday it just gets worse and more and more of myself is missing. I'm like a jigsaw but none of the pieces fit together and it's all jumbled together but you still try an make it work. That's an accurate description of me.

Things suck

Wednesday, 9 November 2016

How I developed my eating disorder.. part 2

I isolated myself from the outside world, I'd spend most of my time drawing or watching Ru Paul's Drag Race {something I still do!} I'd try and stay off social media because I knew that was just going to make me feel worse so what really woulda been the point?

After staying in the comfort of my own house which felt like an eternity I'd felt like I was strong enough to try going to school again and me being the over confident tit that I am wanted to go straight into a lesson with actual people from my year group because I'd occasionally go to this building called the 3D centre which for the most part was okay but I was desperate to just get back into normalcy again so I decided to go into a lesson, and I hated it.

I wanted to just get straight back into being a normal teenager when I needed to build myself, build my confidence and sort of slowly beat my anxiety instead of it ruining me. I remember going into ONE lesson and I fucking hated it, I felt out of place and so uncomfortable that after the lesson was done I walked home. You're probably wondering why I didn't just leave it BUT I have severe anxiety so standing up and walking out in front of everybody wasn't exactly something I wanted to do, I woulda probably cried if I had.

Trying to look after anorexia made my anxiety worse and trying to look after my anxiety made my eating disorder so so much worse. So for my anxiety, I got put onto anti depressants and I felt like it made me put on weight so I became overly conscious about my weight which made that worse so I stopped taking my pills altogether. I figured I can look after myself without medication because come on, if I took the pills I'd probably develop anorexia again and be so so much worse off and at that moment I had everything I ever wanted so I wanted to exist and I wanted to have an amazing future..

Things have happened in these past few months and it did make my eating go down, you know when you get so upset that your throat just closes up and your heart literally feels like it's breaking? Yeah well that's what I felt constantly.. I wrote about this in a couple of my last posts too. But anyway, being so so fucking content with the way things are going then for it to suddenly be ripped away from you with no good reason fucking sucked. It broke me, and I'm slowly.. very slowly trying to figure shit out on my own now, and it's scary. It's been a couple months now yet I'm still trying to pick up the pieces that broke and I know eventually one day I'll be complete but for now I'm a working progress.

I wanted to write a post about this because it's something that I KNOW a lot of people suffer with, whether they have support from it or not. It's a tough thing to go through on your own but you ARE better than this, you may feel so fucking weak compared to it whether it's anxiety, depression, anorexia, bullying or anything else.. you ARE worth it, you DO have a reason to continue fighting and that reason is YOU baby. Keep doing you and whether people like it or not, fuck them. You're worth SO SO SO much more than you give yourself credit for..

Twitter - @LiVNiZZZLE
Instagram - livnizzzle_

Have a blessed day x

How I developed my eating disorder. part 1

For me.. it wasn't about losing weight or wanting to be thinner, I wanted to have control over something that nobody else could. When everything else was out of my control and I couldn't stop it from happening, I couldn't eat. It wasn't a choice to not eat though, I just physically couldn't force myself to take a bite out of something. Food really overwhelmed me to the point that even just the thought of eating made me want to cry, literally.

My relationship with food had never been like that before, I grew up with a ton of favourite foods and cakes. I never had any issues with food before late primary school and the beginning of high school so year 6 to year 7 and onwards. In primary school I always stuck up for myself so if someone said you look fat or you're ugly, I'd be like bitttcccchhhh shut up. Okay maybe I wouldn't say bitch but you get what I'm trying to say!!

This girl here > is me in year 7 I think, and I loved the way I looked, I was so confident in being me that I'd always just let it slide if someone said something dickish to me.
I had friends, I was eating like a normal young person should, life was fucking epic.
It was the same year alot of that changed for me, my friends started to slowly stop hanging round with me or wanting too anyway, there was this one girl that just took an instant dislike to me, don't ask me why. I still don't know. But anyway, she really didn't like it that some of the guys in her year were my mates so she'd pick on me for that. this lasted a long ass time and eventually them friends left me too.

Getting constantly ridiculed by this bitch just because she didn't like me was the most frustrating thing, I was in such a constant battle within myself though because part of me wanted to change just so she'd stop and part of me wanted to be sassy as hell and not let her bother me and the part of me that won was the other part of me that didn't want ANYBODY to know this was going on and I figured if I didn't retaliate and say something eventually she'd get bored and stop. Eventually she did but the damage was already done and that's really when my eating spiraled out of control.

I'd stop having dinner at school yet I'd still tell my mum I ate and then when it came to tea time I'd just say I wasn't hungry or I was just too tired to eat. I'd try, I'd try so goddamn hard that I'd just cry if I couldn't manage something. I'd prefer to eat in the bathroom or in my bedroom. Sitting on the bathroom floor has always felt like a safe place, I'd sit in there til someone knocked on the door needing to pee then I'd go straight back in afterwards, I always felt one with my thoughts and although my thoughts scare me, it's sometimes nice for them to be neatly going around in my head rather than a jumbled confused mess. And sometimes when I'd try to force myself to eat I'd be sick in like 0.4 seconds afterwards so it felt unnecessary to even try again after that.

I used to really care about how I looked yet after all of this happened I didn't care anymore, I wouldn't wanna get out of bed, I wouldn't wanna do my hair.. just the basic things people do I found the trickiest to do.

I'd go to meetings for my attendance at school and I would literally cry and be sick at just the thought of going there, I'd try and put it off so much but eventually I had to go there.. I hate seeming weak to people especially the people at school because half the time the meetings would be scheduled at a certain time and then after it'd be done it'd either be breaktime or lunchtime which meant leaving I saw some people that were in my year. I didn't want them to see me or know I was there, I wanted to be invisible to everybody like I just wanted people to forget I existed because ultimately that's all I wanted then. To not exist.


My parents were getting increasingly worried about my weight and so were the doctors, I'd see counselor after counselor and because I hated talking what was I supposed to do? Talk about the weather??? If I didn't talk about how I'm feeling to anybody close to me then why would I do it for a stranger?
I became a really shut off person, I still am kinda like that but I just wanted to be in my own company and never see people again.


This is only part 1 of this post otherwise it'd have been super long..

please share!!

L
xx


Friday, 28 October 2016

Late night thoughts..

When my relationship ended a close friend of mine said 'I wish I could be like you, you're so strong.' I just wanted to tell them that I'm not, I wasn't over this relationship that had ended. I lost my bestfriend because I believed I made him unhappy, was that the full truth? Fuck no but it's what I'd been made to believe at the time.
I had this thought of, what if it all just ended here? What would happen, would people finally change or would nothing change?
I had this feeling of what if, what if I just ran away and left all my problems here? I wanted to be free of this heartbreak, I didn't want it to be apart of me now..

I wanted to talk to loads of people and always go out, to fill the emptiness for just a few hours. I knew it wouldn't get him off my mind but I just wanted to feel something, anything but this constant pain. I wanted everybody to believe I was fine and over it, I wanted to act as if I didn't care at all and I'd just forgotten about it, but I hadn't. I met this guy someone who I used to speak too infact, at a coffee shop and it's quite funny because whilst I was just sat in this coffee shop waiting to meet someone else, he popped up and it was cool, he wanted to catch up again so I agreed too.
I'd seen him again after that and I couldn't pin point what it was but something just didn't feel right, he'd made it clear he wanted to be alot more than friends but I couldn't commit to that and he just didn't understand why...
The emptiness just got bigger. and bigger aaaaaaand bigger. I'd go out and even get to know people that I knew I wouldn't have a future with, the saying 'hurt people, hurt people' if that even makes sense.

I'd wear make up everyday to mask everything because I knew I wouldn't cry, this shit is too expensive to ruin. I'd keep it on til I was just about to sleep. I'd stay locked in my bedroom after I'd be out all of the day, mainly for the fact I knew I'd just be sat there with my thoughts going around my brain, over and over and over again. I'd be woken up by nightmares constantly, I used to love sleeping but it became a fear. I feared sleeping because I'd get woken up by the same nightmare, again and again and again.

I used to be one of them people that believed everybody had a good heart, whether they'd done bad things or everybody just thought they were trouble, I'd still believe they had a good heart but I realised that not everybody is gonna have a heart like mine, but I so desperately still wanted to believe there was so much more than I made him unhappy and I eventually found out it wasn't me.
I've been told I should hate him and I shouldn't give him no attention but I know he has a good heart, I was with him almost 2 years. I know he isn't a bad person, it just ended very badly.


But now, now I feel the calm. I no longer feel choked by my own thoughts. I still think about it all the time but I think of being happy. I think about being so happy I happy danced, I think of being so genuinely truly in love that nothing else in the world mattered. I think about meeting my bestfriend for the first time and realising this was what love was.
There's times where I literally had to be strong, for everything, for him, for me because I knew otherwise he'd be gone in an instance. I had to be strong because feeling numb and sorry for myself wasn't getting me anywhere.
I had to be strong because if it was worth it it'd come back to me one day and I had so much hope, I'm still full of hope. Never give up on the people you love because they may just need you and are scared to let you know.

Saturday, 22 October 2016

suicidal thoughts..

As you can tell by the title of this post, it's going to be about suicidal thoughts and my experiences in feeling that low. Before I start the whole post I just wanna say that, you're all worth it, every single one of you that read my posts whether it's on a daily basis or not, YOU deserve everything the world has to offer and you need to remember that..

To be honest there's so much I could write about, so I'll start off by writing about recent shit and then go back..

As you all know my relationship ended and I was scared, I was scared of not having him to rely on or if I had a bad nightmare who was gonna be there to calm me down? I feared my future, I feared not being with the man I loved. I couldn't stand to be in my own room because he was supposed to live there too. The day it ended, I felt as if everything around me had suddenly gone to shit and honestly I didn't want to exist anymore. It wasn't the fact that my relationship ended but I'd lost my future, I'd lost my bestfriend, the person I could call whenever I needed too, I'd lost someone I relied on and him not being in my life scared me because I was again, alone.
SO many people in my life have left me, whether it's been friends or bestfriends, they've left me and I've been on my own and I never once thought I'd go back to feeling all of that again, and I did.

I couldn't stand to be in my own company there's so many things I just wanted to say yet I couldn't speak without my voice going and I'd break down all over again. I started going out because I figured that would take my mind off him for atleast a couple hours, I started talking to other guys thinking I'd feel so over him afterwards and I didn't. I felt like my heart was so broken that I was living. Days went quicker when I'd go out or if I'd have a couple beers, things got easier on the outside but it never left my fucking head.
I find that I still wear this mask, this full face of make up and this big cheesy smile just so noone can see what's really going on..

Now this is going back to when I was still at school..

I did the same thing I did in the last paragraph, I'd do my full makeup, plaster a big smile on my face and convince myself i'ma be okay today and I did that every day before school because I hated it. I hated that nobody could see what I was going through, I hated that my friends didn't even believe me when I'd said I was getting bullied. I'd stopped eating anything at school too so this was where my journey with an eating disorder began to happen.


It was the six week holidays and I'd barely gone to school anyway but seriously I remember this like it happened yesterday. I'd just made some dinner and I'd gone back to sit on my bed and watch some youtube videos and I had a bbm {blackberry messenger} and I was talking to this one boy and in the end it eventually turned out that he was best friends with the girls that bullied me so he'd started to say some bullshit too, so going to school I'd get bullied, in the comfort of my own home I'd get bullied on social media - so I wasn't safe anywhere. I felt like I wasn't meant to be here because this shit wasn't fair.
Of course nobody deserves to be bullied but when you're at your own home whilst you're in your comfort zone, someone makes you feel uncomfortable you feel out of place in the one place you should feel safe and happy. It fucking sucked.

But what I'm trying to get at with this post is that you can't give up, I went from being this young girl that didn't understand why people could be such fucking dickheads to a smart, brave young woman that realised that although people can be complete dickbags, there's some good people out there that are willing to understand and help you so you won't ever feel alone again.

Never ever give anybody the power to break your heart or destroy you mentally and physically because you have the power to change the world, you can do anything with your life and how you want it to turn out.

YOU are brave,
YOU are smart,
YOU are worth it.

x x x

Thursday, 20 October 2016

the future..

A couple of months ago I thought I'd be sharing my future with someone that I believed were my future and when that ended I had no idea what I was going to do. I was lost, I felt like everything I believed was bullshit and I needed to figure what I truly wanted out. I know exactly what I want..

My future isn't in somebody else and I don't have to rely on somebody else to make me feel the same feeling of content or happiness.

Thinking of the future seemed so daunting to me a couple months ago, I was so insecure about everybody leaving me that I didn't appreciate fully having them people around but they're gone and now I need to appreciate fully everything I do whether it's spending time with my siblings or meeting new people. ALWAYS appreciate the time you have with people because you never know when it's gonna end, you never know what's gonna happen tomorrow or even a week from now.. but never take people for granted.

I've thought so much about my future and I've even spoke about my plans with people and the more I talk about what I want in life, the more I want it. Anxiety and anorexia are things that have controlled my life for far too long now and to be honest I want so much more for myself. I want to stop allowing myself to be controlled by these things because I want to do the things that are outta my comfort zone, I want to do the shit that makes me anxious. I didn't always get anxious over 'insignificant' things, it hasn't always been this way and I'm not gonna give up on myself again. I'm better than that.

I give so many chances and I barely get one, and that's a trait I want to work on. I don't believe in giving up on the people that need you, no matter how badly they've treated you. Some people would say that's being a mug and you're letting people walk all over you but honestly? When you can tell somebody is pushing you away when they've been your number 1 fan for so long, there's gotta be an underlying reason for what they're doing. - I don't give up on the people that need me, no matter how much they try to push me away because they don't want me to be in any 'trouble' shit is worth it man.

The future is still scary as fuck to me because shit could change in a click whether you like it or not, and there's certain people that I genuinely wish I could change their actions or change how shit happened but I can't, all I do know is that actions speak louder than words baby.


Have a fucking awesome day.

LiVNiZZZLE

x x x x

Monday, 17 October 2016

fear.

My two biggest fears; I fucking hate the dark, it's not the fear of the dark I have, it's the fear of the unknown and my other biggest fear is being left. That's already happened but whatever.

"I came to realise it's that fear, that's the worst of it. That's the real enemy,

 Get up! Get up in the real world and you kick that bastard as hard as you can right in the teeth."

That's my favourite quote about fear, fear is the one thing that stops us from doing the things we want too, because we're so scared of the little voice in your head being right but it never is.
Fear is the one thing that can either make you or break you, it's all good having fear that then motivates you to overcome all the obstacles that stop you but then there's that fear that holds you back from doing the things you want too.

Everybody gets this little voice in their head that says 'you're just gonna fuck it up' or 'you're just going to ruin it, this won't work' relationships, career choices, life in general - ignore that voice that says you cant do this and prove it wrong because the only person that will suffer if you don't risk it is you.
Risks are scary I get that, you never know what's going to happen, will it work or will it all fuck up? Tomorrow isn't promised, you never know what's gonna happen tomorrow or next week or next month, you could get stuck in a rut and not know how to get out of it. You know what you want yet you're too scared to get it, if you don't know how to get it yourself, ask others for help.

I told somebody the other day to get help and they were so scared of the idea of it because they didn't know what was going to happen and they wanted it but they were so scared of the idea. It's a scary idea to take a risk or take a chance even if there's a bigger chance it'll work and things will fix up, there's always that tiny chance it'll fuck up ans you'll be even more lost and then what do you do?

Never ever let fear overcome you, always take a chance in life because YOU deserve everything that this world has to offer, but you need to want it for yourself. You need to want change for change to happen, always fight for your future because it's only you who can do that for yourself.
When the voice in your head says you don't deserve this, push yourself harder and realise you DO deserve this. You ARE great and you CAn be powerful as fuck, you just have to feel it in your heart and soul.


Sunday, 16 October 2016

taking medication..

Hey  guys, I hope you've all had an epic day wherever you may be.. I've spent my day watching documentaries and just relaxing tbh and I realised I've not really wrote a post about going on medication with mental illness so this one is going to be specifically all about that.. enjoy!

Okay so first of all I'll give you a little insight into me - I got severely bullied for years, I then developed an anorexia nervosa which then led to me developing severe anxiety which meant I couldn't stand to be anywhere but my own home and lastly I have depression so trying to look after one problem first is a super big issue..

So, I was in recovery for my eating disorder but I hadn't just got magically better, the thoughts of not eating were constantly in my head and my anxiety was at its peak so as that kept getting worse and my eating was getting slightly better sometimes, I wanted my anxiety to get better too. I'd gone to the doctors and they'd put me on fluoxetine and I hated it.

I hated it because the problems with my eating were coming back and they came back 10x stronger. Instead of it making my anxiety alot more manageable, it made me constantly paranoid about if I put weight on or if I looked different and I'd constantly scrutinize myself until I couldn't bare to look at myself in a mirror again. But I kept taking these pills because all I wanted was to just feel normal, even if it was for a day or a week. I wanted to feel like I had no cares and I wanted to like myself for once.
I'd go round my boyfriends house at the time and I'd literally watch what I ate, I'd eat so slowly too that eventually I'd just be like yeah I'm done, and I knew it was unhealthy but I just couldn't eat properly and take these pills, it was one or the other..

I don't exactly know what was going through my head at the time except I JUST WANTED TO BE NORMAL!! I didn't want people to think of me differently and people's opinions of me then mattered to me more than my own opinion of myself which sucks massively. But anyway, I just decided to throw all my pills away and from that day on I hadn't looked back.. I was more focused on my eating so I could get that sorted by myself, I wanted to sort of fix myself if that makes sense? I didn't want to have to rely on anything but myself and for the most part that worked.

And now.. I'm eating better well not healthier but it's baby steps right?! I'm able to help myself without needing to rely on others and you don't understand how great that feels. I feel like although I have mega bad days and on the rare occasion very super amazingly good days, I have my shit together and I'm more focused on staying true to who I am and I am a badass bitch that takes no shit from anybody.




the truth.

The other day I got told I should work harder on my blog if it's something I'm passionate about, someone who barely knows me tried to have an opinion on the one thing I care about the most and it really fucking irritated me.

I started writing this blog because I'm not much of a talker yet I can easily write my feelings and how I'm feeling down. I wanted to have a safe place for me to vent too and just in general talk too because I was insanely scared of losing my boyfriend {I don't know why but yeah}. With this blog I have wrote about everything, the happiness I've felt, the sadness, the heartbreak - every fucking thing.

For a VERY long time this blog was the one thing that made me look forward to waking up, there were so many times that I'd have much rather not existed than feel the way I did. There were times very recently too that I had so much stuff going round and round in my head yet I didn't wanna talk about it so I wrote posts about it, not every post is going to positive or cheerful because that isn't how I feel. Alot of the time I feel constantly on edge, I put this facade up so noone can really see if I'm full of panic and anxiety or if I just don't want to be here or anything really -  this blog is the one thing that genuinely keeps me going.

I've been in abit of a rough patch recently, my mind is a constant mess and living with mental illness on a 24/7 day to day basis is fucking tough man. How are you really meant to find motivation out of wanting to just hide under your duvet and never come up again???? It's so challenging to motivate yourself to do something when you don't even have the energy too. I'm not this confident happy person that people think I am, I struggle hard but I never ever let people see this struggle because I'm a very proud person so no way is anybody gonna see me down and if they do then that's when shit has got real.

I'm human, I suffer with anxiety and my eating on a day to day basis so nobody can ever tell me I don't try. It's hard to get out of bed every morning so for me to sit down and write exactly how I'm feeling? That's harder.

xxx

Saturday, 8 October 2016

"DAMAGED GOODS"...

I've been in such a funk today like I haven't found the motivation to get up outta bed or do my make up and go out. I FINALLY figured out why I'm feeling this way..

A few days ago I found out WHY my relationship actually ended, after him being so persistent in telling me he was so unhappy to be with me, which I knew wasn't true. Yet, I've been going round and round in my head over the real reason and I said after so many phone calls and texts that I'd still be here and that I'd wait for him to get better.
YET, my problem is that I'd be waiting for someone that convinced me I wasn't enough and made me physically question my own worth, I'd be waiting for someone that would probably be doing god knows what with god knows who whilst I'm sat at home waiting for him to fix up.

I know for a fact too that he's rather happy moving on too yet he'd like me to be around and that's cool, I'd be there for someone that's struggling BUT I'm not going to be there for someone that's just going to mug me off again.

I felt like damaged goods, that nobody would or could ever make me feel that insanely happy again, and I compare every single guy that talks to me or just wants to know me better, to him. I shouldn't compare guys to him because everybody's different but it feels wrong and weird to even think of me being with someone else and that fucking sucks. I hate feeling so vulnerable like this, there's so much going on in my head that I can barely focus on anything.
I begged and pleaded for that relationship, for him to just be mine again, I'd cry myself to sleep every night and I'd feel so fucking broken inside yet I'd keep it all in because I wanted to pretend everything was fine even when it wasn't.

There's still SO much hurt and anger there and it truly fucking broke me, I'm trying to stop wanting to call or text him yet I always find a reason too.

I wish things were different, I wish I could allow myself to be truly happy.

Sunday, 2 October 2016

LiFE AFTER AN EATiNG DiSORDER.

After living with this for so long its hard to change your complete routine, your eating habits especially the bad ones, you have to change almost everything you got so used to doing and it's so scary.

The biggest scare for me was when I had to start buying clothes after I put weight on, I hated it. Although I wanted to get better, I was still massively scared of putting even a tiny bit of weight on, like I'll admit I still check what my weight is now especially on bad days and I'll feel bad but I won't go to the extent of what I used too. If I do have bad days of course I'll eat less but that isn't even by choice, I just get this HUGE fucking lump in my throat and it gets harder and harder to eat, especially when I get this little voice in my head again ..

"You're too fat..."
"You look ugly today.."
"You aren't good enough, you really think someone like him would like you? Silly girl"

Listen to ALL you girls, guys, young or old - every single one of you are so much more than this, it's extremely hard to get out of bad habits that you set yourself but once you truly believe in yourself and believe you WILL overcome this, you have to be strong, so fucking strong.

Honestly though, changing your lifestyle after you've been so used to living one way then suddenly changing to another way - its fucking hard, what I realised is that I wouldn't just be 'fixed'. I never understood how I could live my life without all my demons following me or controlling my emotions.
When I was starving myself I thought it was a good thing, I couldn't control anything else around me but I could control what I eat and what I don't. I still have days where I honestly feel so lost and afraid of myself - mainly for the fact I know that with just one seriously bad day, it could all go back to the way it was and that scares me more than anything else.

Having an eating disorder is like being in a relationship, a really unhealthy one. It follows you around, it controls how you're feeling and it breaks you down to your bare minimum. I always wanted for it to just be over and I no longer wanted to fight for myself and I wanted to give up.
There are times that I'm so fucking glad I got ill because I was on such a downward spiral that if me getting ill hadn't of happened then who knows where I'd be right now? I think I'd probably be so so much worse than I was.

I never believed I was good enough or worthy of feeling 'normal'.. that's all I ever longed for, I wanted to have friends and I wanted to be in love and everything else but I just couldn't do it.
I remember going to the doctors after I got better and because I have severe anxiety I got put on anti depressants but I HATED them with a passion, they made me watch my weight and I always felt like I was putting weight on and that's the last thing I wanted and needed whilst I was still in recovery.

It's harder than others some days but I'm so glad I kept fighting. There's so many things I've experienced and I couldn't have done that if I gave up - I've felt real love, I've felt pure fucking happiness and I've felt the worse one of all.. heartbreak.

If there's one thing I could tell people that have or are suffering with this too is this..
Never feel like you aren't good enough. You're the fucking BOMB. You're so goddamn strong and I wish I could just hug every single one of you because you don't deserve this, having an eating disorder is scary, challenging and it'll break you down and that's a fact. BUT everytime it breaks you down, it gives you all a chance to build yourself back up ten times stronger and I believe in you all.

It's hard each and every day but YOU are enough of a reason to wake up every day, YOU are important and most of all YOU are worthy and you do deserve everything good this world has to offer.. You can conquer absolutely anything because we're all fucking warriors.

I love YOU all..

Livnizzzle

xxxx


contact meeee!!

twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
email - livnizzzle@gmail.com



Friday, 30 September 2016

happiness.

Happiness always starts with YOU. You have to physically want it, to want to be and to want to feel it.
The reason we as humans get stuck in ruts is that once you get stuck in a constant bad mood, it'll feel freaky to actually feel great and because you're so scared of feeling good you'll automatically wanna resort to feeling bad again. It's human, I do it more than I care to admit.

Let's take love for example - if you've been with someone for so long that you'll get stuck in the same pattern of speaking to them every day, seeing them consistently, feeling the same love on a constant basis - so when it does eventually end you'll be scared because who do you have to lean back on? That's why people move on so so quickly, you crave to feel the same love and happiness as you did before but with a different person. But in the end, someone ALWAYS gets hurt because it isn't as real as you first thought.

As soon as I'd come out of my relationship I couldn't stand to be in my room, I couldn't stand to be in a house where me and Rhys had so many memories, I couldn't stand walking past somewhere we'd been or anything like that but then I realised something... That although I was constantly laid in bed crying, things move on and it's upto you to decide when like my last post says. I stayed at my brother's and his girlfriends place and I felt 'normal', I felt fucking broken inside but I wasn't getting stuck or lost in my thoughts, my mind was off him and I thought "Fuck it, I think I can do this now."

I physically WANTED to be happy, I wanted to be able to figure things out for myself, and more to the point I no longer wanted to give a fuck. About everything, I wanted to be able to prove to myself that I CAN do things without him. I no longer wanted to rely so much on someone that left me like it was easy, I understand why he did it now but it's excuses that are so unnecessary, it makes no sense.

I've proved to myself that although it's inevitable to feel the way my anxiety makes me feel, I'm so so slowly getting on top of it aka I'm fucking winning. I can go out of my house and meet someone and not feel guilty or that I just wanna hide because I don't anymore, I'm a fucking warrior and I want everybody and anybody to see it.
I have a battle within myself that I have to try and overcome every single day, and at one point in my life I honestly wanted this to be done, I wanted to stop existing and just let it become the best of me and for some reason I fought the battles, I still fight today.

I fight for all the people out there that once fought the same battles I do and it unfortunately got the better of them, I do it because EVERYBODY deserves so fucking more of what they allow themselves to have. Being in a war with yourself is one of the hardest and most brutal things you'll have to deal with but once you decide you're so much better than it then it loses.

Find your inner warrior and fight this bitch with me,

Love YOURSELF because you'll never be able to love someone else properly.

I love YOU ALLLLL!!!

contact meeeee!
twitter - @LiVNiZZZLE
email - livnizzzle@gmail.com
insta - livnizzzle_

xxxxxx